Title: "European Voyage: Rising Tensions"
Written by: Cassie & Kristi
Date: First Draft: June 3, 2003; June 10, 2003; June 25-30, 2003. Final Draft: July 2, 2003
Air Date: July 21, 2003
Rating: PG-13 (immature adult conversations)
Series: FRVS - Episode #100c
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: We love it. Please e-mail us at frvs.feedback@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: Believing Marita may have run off to Krycek's cabin in the Swiss Alps, the gang take a road trip that is anything but normal, to find her.

---

FADE IN:

EXT - SWISS ALPS - 2 P.M.

Having been on the road pretty much from the moment their train arrived in Geneva earlier that day, the gang has decided to pull off and rest. Krycek had rented a small car for them to drive up to his cabin. Six people in a car designed to hold 4 had become too much so Mulder had pulled off on the side of the road to allow everyone some fresh air and space to move.

At the moment, Mulder is standing away from everyone else. He is admiring the beautiful scenery. His hands are on his hips and he's looking all around him with a grin on his face - a grin that stretches from ear to ear.

MONICA
Are we sure Krycek knows
where he's going?

SCULLY
Yeah, he and I came here one
other time. I recognize some of
the places we've passed.

DOGGETT
You two came up here, alone? Together?

SCULLY
Yeah, Alex and I do have loads
of history behind us.

BRAD
I'm sure some of it we never want to
know considering he got you to perform
in Vegas at a place called "The Gutter".

Mulder turns around with a camera in his hand. He shouts "SMILE!" at them and snaps a picture. He quickly turns around again after doing so.

SCULLY
I'm not proud of that. (beat) So
what do you guys think of Switzerland?

MONICA
It's beauticul. It'd be the perfect
backdrop for a wedding.

BRAD
Or a nice place to go for a honeymoon.

Brad and Monica look adoringly at each other. This makes Scully and Doggett uncomfortable. Scully turns to face Doggett, her back to Monica and Brad.

SCULLY
So uh... John, you were married before, right?

Doggett rubs the back of his neck.

DOGGETT
Yeah... for seven years.

SCULLY
What was her name?

DOGGETT
Barbara. (beat) Do you really
want to talk about this?

SCULLY
Where did you two get married?

She smiles at him. He doesn't answer.

DOGGETT
Where'd Krycek go? We should
get back on the road...

Doggett starts to walk away from her, he approaches Mulder.

DOGGETT
Mulder...? Do you know where -

Suddenly Mulder BELTS OUT a loud yodel. It echos in the mountain valley. It's so loud that Doggett covers his ears with his hands. A flock of birds rise to the sky and fly away.

CUT TO:

Monica, Brad and Scully covering their ears by the small rental car.

CUT TO:

Krycek stepping out from behind a bush, he's covering his ears too.

Krycek has an angry expression on his face.

KRYCEK
(his version of a yodel)
I LAID THE OLD LADY TOO!

Mulder whips around to face Krycek, a huge grin on his face.

MULDER
(yodeling)
I'M SO GLAD ALEX YODELS TOO!

He skips over to Krycek.

MULDER
I'm so happy those yodeling
tapes have grown on you, Alex!

Mulder hugs him, then heads back to their car with him, his arm over Krycek's shoulder.

MULDER
(whisper)
Do you remember when Diana left?

KRYCEK
Best day of my life.

MULDER
Well... I was thinking... what if...
what if we ran into her here in Europe.
I have a feeling she may be here somewhere.

KRYCEK
No. I think she's in uh... Algeria.
Yeah... that's right, Algeria.

MULDER
(disappointed)
Oh...

Mulder opens the door to the driver side of the rental car, he gets in and honks the horn. Krycek goes and gets in shotgun.

Scully, Doggett, Monica and Brad get in, squishing themselves into the back of the car made for four, not six.

Doggett and Monica are squeezed in between Brad and Scully. Doggett leans over to whisper to Monica.

DOGGETT
Why do we trust Mulder
to drive on the mountain roads?

MONICA
Why? Are you scared...?

Doggett gets uncomfortable and goes to run the back of his neck, but Monica stops him from doing so.

MONICA
Johnny... you need to stop these
nervous habits of your's.

DOGGETT
I do not have nervous habits, Mon'.

Doggett rubs his finger under his nose, sniffs and then scratches the back of his neck. Stops that and lets out a nervous cough before placing his hands in his lap.

MONICA
Yeah. You do.

DOGGETT
I'm tired. Leave me alone.

Scully places her hand on the top of Doggett's.

SCULLY
John. If you're tired, you can
rest your head on my shoulder.

He rubs the back of his head.

DOGGETT
That's all right. I don't want to
catch any shut-eye with Jumbo driving.

Mulder turns around to look at him, taking his eyes off the road.

MULDER
I'm driving. Does that make my
nickname "Jumbo"?

KRYCEK
(jealous)
Pfft! Right, like size matters.

MULDER
Size matters not. (beat) You're
just jealous... Pee-Wee.

KRYCEK
Shut up!

MULDER
Have I ever told you my George Lucas
theory on the Yoda IMAX poster that
reads "Size Matters Not"?

KRYCEK
No.

SCULLY
I wanna hear it.

BRAD
(under his breath)
I don't.

MULDER
Well, the theory is that George Lucas
must not have a large man tool, if
you know what I mean. He gives itty bitty
teeny tiny Yoda this great power of controlling
the Force. Then he has Yoda state "size
matters not". I just think Lucas is trying to
convince the general public that though he may
have a small penis, that he can still perform well.
(beat) Much like my pal Alex here.

Mulder reaches out and pats Krycek on the head.

KRYCEK
I hate you.

MULDER
Nuh-uh-uh. No using the "H" word.

SCULLY
Oh come on Alex... you of all people
should know that size doesn't matter.
It's how you use it.

Krycek feels better now.

KRYCEK
That's right! I'm da man!

DOGGETT
Are we discussing Robin Hood: Men
In Tights in code disguised as discussion
about... penis size of someone in this car?

KRYCEK
(embarrassed)
Can we change the subject matter please.

Krycek crosses his arms across his chest, and glares at the road ahead of them.

SCULLY
Alex, sweetie. I'm sorry. If it means
anyting you're not as small as this
conversation makes you out to be.

She places her hand on his shoulder. He touches it to show his appreciation for her kind comment.

TIME CUT TO:

INT - RENTAL CAR - 3:13 P.M.

Yodeling music is blaring and Mulder is bouncing happily in his seat while driving. Krycek turns off the music.

MULDER
Hey! Why'd you do that?

KRYCEK
It's annoying.

MULDER
But earlier today you yodeled with me.

KRYCEK
Shut up and drive.

In the back, Scully is passing out Tylenol. Mulder, still driving, turns all the way around to face them.

MULDER
So, Skinman, what do you think
of the Swiss Alps... hold on a
second... where's Skinner?

Scully, Doggett, Monica and Brad look around. Skinner isn't there.

SCULLY
I don't know.

DOGGETT
Did we leave him somewhere?

MULDER
Maybe he was abducted by aliens...

BRAD
Aliens are science-fiction.

MULDER
THEY'RE REAL!

Monica looks over at Doggett.

MONICA
And you say you and Brad aren't
friends. You have so much in common.

Doggett snears at her.

MULDER
(upset)
My sister, Samantha, was
abducted by aliens!

SCULLY
(to Brad)
Way to go...

MULDER
I watched her taken out of her bedroom!
Floating out the window.

Mulder is still turned all the way around, he's facing Brad with tears in his eyes.

MULDER
You can't say that aliens don't
exist after what I've seen. I
don't care how much you -

KRYCEK
(terrified)
- WATCH OUT!

Mulder quickly turns around to face the road and quickly has to swerve on the small mountain road to avoid being run down by a large semi-truck. Everyone screams!

The semi-truck passes them very fast. The mini rental car swerves to a stop, halfway hanging over the edge of the mountain road. (NOTE: the last time we were in Switzerland, the mountain roads didn't have guard rails).

Mulder lets out a sigh, looks over at Krycek and smiles.

MULDER
Whew... that was a close one.

Krycek starts laughing.

MULDER
Is everyone ok?

He turns around and looks at the terrified faces of Brad, Monica, Doggett and Scully.

Brad turns his head to look out the window.

BRAD
We're hanging over the edge... no one move...

Scully, Doggett, and Monica slowly look over at Brad.

MULDER
(grinning)
Uh-oh, that's not good.

Doggett starts breathing faster... he's up high and with Mulder and Krycek... in a tiny little car that is hanging over the edge of a mountain.

DOGGETT
(quietly)
Oh God...

Monica looks over at him, concerned.

MONICA
Johnny?

She touches his shoulder and suddenly Doggett begins to spazz. He's trying to get past Scully in order to get the heck outta there.

SCULLY
John!

DOGGETT
I'm gonna die! Let me out!

MONICA
Don't move John!

Everyone in the back moves to try to stop John's movement.

Mulder and Krycek are extremely still up in front. For once they are doing the right thing and not panicking.

DOGGETT
Let me out!

MONICA
Get a hold of yourself, soldier!

She slaps him hard across the face. He looks at her in shock.

MONICA
(calmly)
If you move, we will all die.
Control yourself.

Doggett says nothing and continues to look at her with fear in his eyes.

MULDER
Do you think if I put it into reverse
we would get back on the road?

KRYCEK
Knowing you, you'll put it in drive.

MULDER
No, I wouldn't.

KRYCEK
Yes, you would.

MULDER
No. I wouldn't.

KRYCEK
Yes, you would.

MULDER
No.

KRYCEK
Yes.

MULDER
No!

KRYCEK
Yes!

Mulder lets out an irritated sigh.

MULDER
Alexander, no, I wouldn't.

KRYCEK
I know you would.

MULDER
No.

KRYCEK
Yes.

MULDER
No!

KRYCEK
Yes!

SCULLY
Shut up!

Mulder and Krycek go silent.

Five minutes later...

MULDER
I'm doin' it!

Before anyone can react, Mulder throws the car into reverse and floors it. Everyone screams in fear.

MONICA
Brad!

DOGGETT
Dana!

Doggett grabs Monica and Monica grabs Doggett. They kiss each other passionately.

Mulder makes it safely on the road and drives along as if nothing has happened.

Several moments later, Krycek is turned all the way around in his seat. He's watching Doggett and Monica kiss. He's got a goofy grin on his face.

Scully and Brad watch Doggett and Monica kiss too. There is some definate spit swapping going on between them. Scully looks at Brad confused. Brad taps Doggett on his shoulder.

BRAD
Mr. Doggett, why are you kissing my Monica?

Doggett opens his eyes as does Monica. Upon seeing each other, they both pull away quicker than a bullet and scream.

Monica crawls over Brad, pushing him toward the middle seat where she once was. Doggett does the same to Scully.

MONICA
(pissed)
What the hell, John?!

DOGGETT
(defensive)
I didn't know it was you!

MONICA
That's sick! What is it with you
and always kissing me?!

Brad and Scully watch them fight with a bit of amusement.

DOGGETT
What are you talking about?!

MONICA
You! (beat) Why do you always
end up kissing me?

BRAD
(amused)
Always?

MONICA
Yes. He kissed me on Valentine's
Day too! Then married me and
Skinner in Las Vegas!

Everyone turns their attention to Doggett.

DOGGETT
She's lying!

SCULLY
No... you did marry her and
Walter in Vegas...

DOGGETT
Vegas never happened. (beat) Besides
she was kissing me this time too!

MONICA
Because I thought you were Brad!

DOGGETT
Yeah well... I thought you were... were...

MONICA
(knowing/amused)
You thought I was who?

Monica can't help but smile, knowing she's going to embarrass him by pestering him to tell everyone that he thought she was Scully.

DOGGETT
(obviously lying)
No one.

MONICA
You thought I was Dana.

She smiles. Scully and Brad look at Doggett. He quickly looks away.

BRAD
I did hear him call out
Dana's name... (to Scully)
Didn't you?

SCULLY
I don't know... I think so now
that you mention it...

KRYCEK
Can you all just have one big
orgy so I can watch?

Scully hits Krycek on the forehead.

SCULLY
Alex, no.

Krycek lets out a disappointed sigh and turns around.

CUT TO:

INT - AIR FRANCE FLIGHT 122

All is quiet on this airplane. We make our way down the aisle and find Skinner with his assistant, Kim Cook.

They are relaxing as much as they possibly can on an airplane.

KIM
Isn't it nice to get away from
the loud chaos of Agents Mulder and Krycek?

SKINNER
You don't even know...

He looks down at her and smiles. She smiles back. They both turn their attention to the in-flight entertainment... "Mr. Bean".

SMASH CUT TO:

CLOSE - MULDER'S FACE

His eyes are wide open and he's screaming his head off.

We pan back to reveal that everyone is screaming with him.

CUT TO:

EXT - RENTAL CAR

We cut in continuous time to see the mini rental car fly over the edge of the mountain at full speed with a SWOOSH!

It calmly flies through the air.

Golly jeepers! We can only hope that this is a dream! But it is not! They come crashing down on another mountain road!!

INT - RENTAL CAR

Doggett, Scully, Monica and Brad are frozen in fear in the back seat of the car.

Mulder and Krycek have stopped their screaming.

MULDER
See, I knew we would make it.

KRYCEK
No you didn't!

MULDER
I did too!

KRYCEK
No you didn't. You didn't even
know you were heading toward
the cliff.

MULDER
Yes I did.

KRYCEK
No you didn't.

MULDER
Yes I did.

KRYCEK
No you didn't.

MULDER
I did too!

KRYCEK
Did not!

MULDER
Did too!

KRYCEK
Did not!

SCULLY
(mother-like)
Boys... this is how Mulder drove off -

MULDER
It was my stunt!

KRYCEK
You messed up!

MULDER
I did not!

KRYCEK
Did too!

MULDER
Did not!

KRYCEK
Too!

MULDER
Not!! Not! Not!

DOGGETT
(going insane)
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Mulder and Krycek look back at him. His eyes are crazy wild and all muscles in his body are tense.

KRYCEK
Geez, what a baby.

MULDER
Yeah, he didn't even say it nicely.

KRYCEK
I know.

Monica leans over to Brad.

MONICA
My head hurts.

BRAD
Mine too.

SCULLY
This is what we get for
traveling in a small car
with Mulder and Krycek.

DOGGETT
Did anyone bring Tylenol?

SCULLY
I did, and you've already had some.

DOGGETT
Damn.

MULDER
(excited)
Hey look! A glacier!

KRYCEK
Ooh! Let's go walk on it!

MULDER
Ok!

Mulder pulls off the mountain side road and heads toward the glacier... aka: another tourist trap. Monica grabs all her money and puts it in her pocket. Doggett gives her a look.

MONICA
What? (beat) I'm not gonna
leave money in the car. What
if someone broke in and stole it all?

Doggett shrugs his shoulders, ok then. Mulder puts the car in park and gets out.

MULDER
Ok everyone. Let's buddy up!

He looks thoughtful as the others get out of the car.

MULDER
Ok. Brad and me. John
and Alex. Scully and Monica.

BRAD
Why do we have to "buddy up"?

MULDER
So I can talk you into joining
Super Buddies. (beat) Oops!
I mean... so we can get to know
one another better.

Mulder puts his arm around Brad's shoulder and leads him to the Rhone Glacier.

Alex looks perversly at Monica. His eyes shimmering with his sexual attraction to her.

KRYCEK
Ok Mon', it's you and me baby.

SCULLY
Actually, Mulder said my buddy
is Monica so looks like you're
stuck with John.

Scully and Monica leave John behind with Krycek. Krycek is grandly disappointed.

KRYCEK
(to Doggett)
You're no fun...

Krycek mopes off, Doggett follows.

DOGGETT
I'm fun. YOu just haven't taken time
to get to know me well.

KRYCEK
I don't like your... your... face.

DOGGETT
My face?

KRYCEK
Yeah. Your face.

DOGGETT
What about it?

KRYCEK
Marita finds it attractive.

Doggett smiles.

DOGGETT
You're jealous 'bout that?

KRYCEK
No. I don't get jealous.

DOGGETT
Everyone gets jealous.

KRYCEK
(gonna make John jealous)
Did you know that Dana and I wrote a
sex instructional book while we were in college?

DOGGETT
I did not know that.

KRYCEK
So far it's published in English, French,
German, Italian, Spanish, Russian, Swahili,
Korean, Japanese, Greek, Chinese, Portuguese,
Czech and Arabic.

DOGGETT
So?

KRYCEK
So... don't you wanna know how
we came about the... positions?

Krycek raises his eyebrows up and down suggestively.

KRYCEK
We had sex together... a lot, and we
created new positions. More sexually
enhanced pleasure moves, more advanced
than your general Kama Sutra.

DOGGETT
And here I thought Mr. Follmer was a prick.

KRYCEK
That's right, I'm da man! Your Dana
got it on with me... that's right I'm
Mr. Pleasure. And you know, she can't
get enough of me and my Russian Love
Gun. She comes to me now and then
with... needs. In fact, a few months ago
she came by my apartment and we shagged
till we couldn't shag no more. And even then...
she wanted me to do it one more time, bringing
our grand total to five. So HA!

DOGGETT
Five times...? Impressive. Is that the
most you've been able to do?

KRYCEK
Yep! It's probably a world record.

DOGGETT
I've topped it before -

KRYCEK
- No way! You did not! With who?!

DOGGETT
Oh a friend of mine... Shannon.

KRYCEK
Damn! Can I be her friend?

DOGGETT
Not sure on that one.

KRYCEK
I promise I'll stop rubbing it in that
Scully and I have sex a lot if you
introduce me to this Shannon.

DOGGETT
I won't because I know
what she'd do with you.

KRYCEK
What's that?

DOGGETT
It.

Krycek giggles evilly. They head to the glacier. Scully and Monica are having their picture taken by the entrance to a tunnel that was dug out of the side of this glacier - to allow tourists to go inside.

The lighting on the interior makes the ice glow electric blue. The picture is taken.

Scully looks down at her feet, she's wearing sandals.

SCULLY
(whiny)
Oh shoot... I wish Mulder would
have informed us we'd be coming
to a glacier. I would have worn
better shoes. I'm gonna freeze.

MONICA
No you won't, it's summer.
You can't freeze.

Scully points inside the glacier.

SCULLY
It's ice, Monica!

Monica grabs her hand and they enter, they are waking on wooden planks that were put in to keep people from falling on the slippery ice interior of the glacier.

Doggett and Krycek follow them in. Krycek points at Scully.

KRYCEK
See how she sways her hips?
She does that to get my male attention.

DOGGETT
I doubt that.

Doggett watches Scully. She's not swaying her hips.

At the end of this glacier tunnel, there is a person dressed up as a polar bear. It's following Monica around.

DOGGETT
Hey Mon'! Looks like you found
yourself a new friend!

MONICA
Huh?

Monica turns around and the polar bear guy is inches away. Monica pushes pass him.

MONICA
Who's a new friend?

Monica didn't realize the bear guy was following her.

DOGGETT
(glum)
Nevermind.

Scully stands next to him, she wraps her arms around his waist.

SCULLY
(shivering)
Why so glum, Johnny?

He doesn't answer. She continues shivering. Scully playfully pokes him in the stomach, she does this unintentionally hard.

DOGGETT
(angry)
Ow! Geez Dana! What the
hell was that for?!

Doggett storms off, leaving her shocked and jaw dropped. Did she just do something to make him mad at her? She wraps her arms around herself to keep warm, it's freezing in here.

Krycek taps her on the shoulder.

KRYCEK
Hey. Did Mulder and Brad come in
here ahead of you guys?

SCULLY
No...

CUT TO:

EXT - TOP OF THE GLACIER

Mulder and Brad have made their way on top of the glacier.

MULDER
So Brad... about Super Buddies -

BRAD
- No.

Mulder looks at him and pouts.

MULDER
But it's so -

BRAD
- No.

MULDER
But -

BRAD
- No.

MULDER
You're no fun.

Mulder turns away from him and looks around.

BRAD
What are we doing up here?

MULDER
We're climbing a glacier.

BRAD
(unsure)
The idea of you climbing ice -

Before Brad can finish his sentence, Mulder slips on the ice and dangerously dangles off the side of this giant ice glacier.

MULDER
AH! HELP!

BRAD
And this is why you shouldn't
be on top of a large structure of ice.

Brad looks down at Mulder who has panic and fear in his eyes. One of his hands slips on the ice.

MULDER
Help!

BRAD
Give me your hand.

Brad kneels down and puts out his hand. Mulder then reaches up with the one hand that was hanging onto the glacier. He immediately falls down... he forgot about the hand that wasn't hanging onto the glacier, he should have reached up with that hand.

Brad looks down at Mulder and lets out a sigh.

MULDER
Ow...

CUT TO:

A crowd has made its way around Mulder.

MULDER
I'm ok... it was my big stunt.

Everyone looks at him as if he's crazy (which he is), but Mulder reassures them.

Brad is waiting by the opening of the glacier.

Scully is the first one to come out, she runs up to Brad and hugs him. She's shivering and seems a little upset.

SCULLY
I hate cold glaciers.

Monica and Doggett exit.

MONICA
No. I swear I kept all my money on me.

DOGGETT
Maybe you did listen to me and left
it in the car.

MONICA
You better be right, Johnny. Or else.

They head back to the rental car where Mulder and Krycek are fighting about who is going to drive next.

DOGGETT
I'm driving.

MULDER
No, you can't John. You'll
paralyze because of our
altitude and we'll all die.

Behind him, Scully laughs at what Mulder said. She quickly covers her mouth with her hand and stops laughing once she sees Doggett glaring at her.

MULDER
See. Even a scientist knows
it's true. I'm driving.

Mulder opens the door and gets in the driver seat.

DOGGETT
Then I'm riding shotgun.
Someone needs to make
sure you drive correctly.

He gets in as does everyone else.

CUT TO:

EXT - CABIN KRYCEK - 5:47 P.M.

Krycek and Mulder are lying on beach towels catching some sun rays. They are wearing swimming trunks and sunglasses. They are sipping on straws, drinking lemonade. There is a bowl of lemons in between them. Mulder is rubbing lemon juice on his chest. Krycek gives him a look.

KRYCEK
What the hell are you doing?

MULDER
Lemon juice mixed with sun rays
lightens your hair color. I don't want
to wax my chest so I'm using lemon
juice to lighten my chest hair.

KRYCEK
Take your razor and take it off.

MULDER
I might cut myself.

KRYCEK
Then take an electric shaver and shave it off.

MULDER
I don't believe in electronics.

Krycek sits up.

KRYCEK
What?! How do you not believe in electronics?

MULDER
I don't know. I've decided not to.

KRYCEK
That is so stupid. (beat) Just
pluck the hair out.

MULDER
That would hurt.

KRYCEK
So lemons is the least painful?

MULDER
Yes.

KRYCEK
What if you had a cut?

MULDER
Doesn't matter cuz I don't have one.

Krycek lays back down on his beach towel.

KRYCEK
You're gonna be all sticky.

MULDER
Then I'll take a shower.

KRYCEK
You can't.

MULDER
Yes, I can. I'll use Swiss soap.
Switzerland seems so clean.

KRYCEK
What do you mean "clean"?

MULDER
Fresh air, pretty blue sky...
it reminds me of Diana. Pure,
innocent, beautiful and worshipable.

KRYCEK
That's not a word.

MULDER
Yes it is.

KRYCEK
Saying that "worshipable" is a word is
like saying "ain't" is a word.

MULDER
"Ain't" is a word. Actually it's slang for
"is not", more of a negation of a verb.

KRYCEK
It isn't in a dictinary.

MULDER
(clears throat)
Ain't. Am not, are not, is not. Two. Have not,
has not. Three. Do not, does not, did not.
Used in some varieties of Black English.

KRYCEK
You're sick, you know that?

MULDER
Usage. Although widely disapproved as
nonstandard and more common in the
habitual speech of the less educated, "ain't"
in senses 'one' and 'two' is flourishing in
American English. It is used in both speech
and writing to catch attention and gain emphasis.

KRYCEK
What did you do? Memorize the
entire dictionary entry for "ain't"?

MULDER
Yes. Page twenty-five, first column of
the Merriam Webster's Collegiate
Dictionary, tenth edition.

KRYCEK
Have I ever told you you need to get a life?

Mulder smiles at Krycek and returns to rubbing lemon juice on his chest hair.

CUT TO:

INT - CABIN KRYCEK

It's a cozy little thing. There's one room with one bed, one table, one fireplace, one storage trunk and one outlet that has a mini-refridgerator plugged into it.

Monica, Brad, Scully and Doggett are sitting on a rug in the room.

DOGGETT
So we're all going to sleep
in this tiny little cabin?

MONICA
I guess so...

BRAD
Home is sounding nice right about now.

SCULLY
It isn't too bad. Yeah, it's small
and all but it's nice and cozy.

They give her a look.

DOGGETT
(near angry)
Dana... sometimes you're too
goddamned optimistic. Do you
not realize our lives have been
in danger from the moment we
got into that car with Mulder
behind the wheel?

SCULLY
You don't have to be so negative
all the time. I don't think I've seen
you smile once in the past couple
days. That, my dear, can
rub off on people.

DOGGETT
You mean how it's rubbed off on you?

SCULLY
What do you mean by that?

DOGGETT
Well you haven't exactly been
pleasant to be around lately.

Scully's mouth is wide open in shock. What the heck has she done to make him so bitter towards her? Nothing.

SCULLY
Is this about you kissing Monica earlier?

DOGGETT
What? No! Why would your behavior
be related to that unfortunate incident?!

SCULLY
I have no idea what behavior you're
referring to!

DOGGETT
You're jealous I didn't grab you
and kiss you like I did to Monica!

Scully and Doggett continue to fight with each other.

Monica grabs Brad's hand and they quietly step outside the cabin to allow John and Dana privacy.

They look down at Mulder and Krycek, they both have cucumbers over their eyes.

MONICA
Aww... if it ain't Bert and Ernie.

MULDER
(sits up excited)
Snuffleupagus! (beat) You know,
Big Bird had it good. One might
say he is the founder of the idea of
Super Buddies. He was always happy
and friendly and wanted to be friends
with everyone.

KRYCEK
So basically, Mulder, you're saying that
you're a big dumb yellow bird...
a dodo perhaps.

MULDER
Sure! (beat) Wait... are you trying to
tell me you're proud of my Super Buddies group?

KRYCEK
No! You're a big dumb bird.

MULDER
You're more like Oscar the Grouch.

KRYCEK
No... I think I'd be the Cookie Monster.

Brad and Monica are witness to this dumb conversation. Brad and Monica walk away from them.

They walk until they are out of earshot from Mulder and Krycek. They sit down on the grass and look out at the Swiss Alps.

BRAD
So... we haven't really had the
opportunity to discuss our engagement.
When do you want to tell everyone?

MONICA
I want to tell family first. (beat) That way
Johnny can't try to use it against me. You
know, he gets mad at me, calls my brother
Carlos, and tells him about you and how
you're British, not Latino.

BRAD
OK. (beat) I don't know if I should even
bother telling my family, since they
disowned me when I didn't marry Marita.

MONICA
I'm sure they didn't mean it, Brad.

She puts her arm around his shoulders.

BRAD
I'm sure they did.

Suddenly Mulder comes running up to them. He is extremely worried.

MULDER
(shakey voice)
Oh gawd...

He bites at his fingernails.

BRAD
What is it now, Mulder?

MULDER
John and Scully are yelling at
each other in the cabin. I'm scared.

MONICA
Where's Krycek?

MULDER
He's watching them through the
window in case their anger towards
each other turns into sex.

MONICA
Typical Alex Krycek move.

In the background, Scully exits Krycek's cabin. Doggett following close behind her. Both are obviously still angry.

Scully goes up to Mulder and taps him on the shoulder. Mulder turns around. Scully takes hold of his head and pulls him to her and kisses him. Doggett stands, watching, obviously jealous. With each passing moment, the kiss between Scully and Mulder increases with "passion". Scully is definately giving Mulder some tongue.

Krycek approaches this scene, a huge grin on his face. He stops by Doggett and watches them too.

Finally when Scully pulls away from Mulder and lets go of his head, Mulder falls to the ground.

MULDER
(in awe)
Wow... Scully...

DOGGETT
(angry)
Dana? Why the hell did ya do that?!

SCULLY
Now you know how I felt!

DOGGETT
No! That makes no sense to me!

SCULLY
(angry)
When you kissed Monica. That
envious sick feeling in your gut
is exactly the way I felt!

DOGGETT
Me kissing Monica meant nothing!

SCULLY
Why? Because she's your best friend?!

DOGGETT
Yeah!

SCULLY
Well Mulder is my best friend
and kissing him means nothing.

DOGGETT
(nervous)
Well... so!

Everyone looks on in shock. Mulder gets up from the ground and stands like he's "da man".

MULDER
Ok. Super Buddies of mine...Let's
not fight anymore. (beat) I think there's
been enough kissing between all of
us for one day.

KRYCEK
No! I haven't gotten any!

MULDER
So...

KRYCEK
So, I want some!

DOGGETT
(having enough of this B.S.)
Oh shut up!

Krycek ignores him and walks towards Monica.

KRYCEK
Hey baby, how 'bout you
give me some lovin'...

MONICA
Go to hell.

BRAD
Is it impossible for you to respect people?

SCULLY
Of course it is for him.

KRYCEK
I want some!

Krycek is angry. He starts jumping up and down in frustration.

KRYCEK
Someone kiss me! KISS ME!

Mulder runs up and kisses him. Krycek freezes. Everyone watches them. After a beat, Mulder pulls away.

MULDER
There. Now you've been kissed.

Krycek doesn't know what to say and quickly walks away from the group to go inside his cabin.

MULDER
There, now everyone has
been kissed today... wait...

Mulder looks over at Brad.

MULDER
Brad hasn't been kissed today.

Mulder gives Brad a smile and walks over to him.

BRAD
No.

MULDER
Come on.

Mulder's arms are out-stretched.

MONICA
It's ok, Mulder. I've got him.

She smiles at Mulder, then kisses Brad. Mulder smiles at them and then walks away... a bit disappointed that he didn't get to kiss Brad.

Scully goes up to Monica and Brad.

SCULLY
Ok you two... break it up.

Scully smiles at them.

MONICA
What is it?

SCULLY
Why does John have an attitude
with me? Is it because of the
whole Paris-Eiffel Tower thing?

MONICA
When John gets mad at himself,
he'll project his problems and
his attitude onto others.

BRAD
Most commonly Monica.

MONICA
Yeah, so don't take it so personally.

SCULLY
Well he's acting like he's got
PMS or something.

MONICA
It's unusual that he'll blame
someone else besides me...

Monica has a thoughtful look on her face.

SCULLY
(amused)
He's got B.M.S. (beat) Blame
Monica Syndrome.

Scully smiles at her joke. Monica doesn't find it all that amusing.

MONICA
That's not funny. What if he
heard that and then he'll start using it.

SCULLY
He won't. He's not even here to
hear me say it.

MONICA
I'm just sayin'. It's not that uncommon
for him to hear things like that and
start using it.

SCULLY
When has he done that?

MONICA
Well... I don't know. But he would.

Scully rolls her eyes, not believing for an instant that John would do that.

TIME CUT TO:

INT - CABIN KRYCEK

Scully, Doggett, Mulder, Monica and Brad are all sitting on the rug on the floor. Krycek comes in with plates of food.

KRYCEK
Dig in guys.

MULDER
It's so nice of you to be such
a good host.

KRYCEK
Shut up.

They all take some food and start eating.

BRAD
Why are we here again?

KRYCEK
To eat dinner.

DOGGETT
Not that.

MULDER
We're seeing if Marita
came here to his cabin.

SCULLY
Well, she's not here.

Krycek gets a sad look on his face.

KRYCEK
(about to cry)
Guys... I'm worried -

MULDER
- We'll find her.

MONICA
(under breath)
Why do we care where she is...

KRYCEK
(upset/to Monica)
What?

Scully nudges Monica to let her know not to say anything to upset Krycek.

MULDER
If I were Marita, where would I go...

He's deep in thought...

SCULLY
I don't know... a beach?
Ya know, to have a real summer vacation.

MULDER
On the Mediterranean...

KRYCEK
With nude beaches...

SCULLY
With ancient ruins...

MULDER
Mythological Gods...

KRYCEK
Goddess of Love... I love Marita...

MULDER
She went to Cyprus!

Mulder stands up and grabs his head.

MULDER
Golly jeepers Batman! We get to go
to an island in the Mediterranean! I can
finally investigate my theory that aliens
placed a huge stone, called Aphrodite's
Birthplace, in the sea to spy on us!

Mulder grabs his suitcase and drags it out to the rental car. He comes back in and grabs Scully's suitcase, he struggles more with this one, it's heavier.

MULDER
Geez, Scully! What the heck
are you packin' in this thing?

He drags it out to the rental car. Everyone looks at each other.

DOGGETT
Does this mean we're leavin' now?
We don't even get to see Switzerland
for a full twenty-four hours.

KRYCEK
This isn't about you, John! This
is about me! And me finding Marita!

Krycek stands up and helps Mulder.

DOGGETT
Does this mean we have to fly again...?

SCULLY
Well unless you want to take a boat.

Doggett nervously shakes his head "no".

MONICA
Well they're gonna have to wait.
I'm hungry and I'm gonna eat.

BRAD
Look at the bright-side, at least
we all don't have to sleep in the
same room as Mumbo and Jumbo.

SCULLY
Brad. Don't even talk. You have
no idea what that's like.

Outside, Mulder and Krycek are in the car, honking the horn. Scully wipes her mouth with a napkin and stands up.

SCULLY
We better go before Alex decides
to leave without us.

She exits. Monica, Brad and John share a look. Gosh darn it, they didn't really get to see much of Switzerland. Just the interior of their rental car, some scenery and a glacier. They grab some food and leave.

INT - RENTAL CAR

Brad, Monica and John get in. Krycek pulls out a remote control and presses a button.

MULDER
What's that for?

KRYCEK
A remote control to the lock
on my cabin.

BRAD
Lock on your cabin? Yet you
don't have running water.

KRYCEK
Yep.

Mulder takes off, speeding back toward Geneva.

EXT - RENTAL CAR SPEEDING AWAY

MULDER
(voice over)
Hey Alex.

KRYCEK
(voice over)
What?

MULDER
(voice over)
Do you think you would have
enjoyed my kiss better if I
would have touched your bum?

KRYCEK
(voice over)
Shut up.

MULDER
(voice over)
Is that a "yes"?

KRYCEK
(voice over)
No.

MULDER
(voice over)
I think it is. You want me
to touch your bum?

KRYCEK
(voice over)
Do not.

MULDER
(voice over)
Do too.

KRYCEK
(voice over)
Do not.

MULDER
(voice over)
Do too.

KRYCEK
(voice over)
Do not.

MULDER
(voice over)
Do too.

KRYCEK
(voice over)
Do not.

MULDER
(voice over)
Do too.

DOGGETT
(voice over)
SHUT UP!

The boys go quiet. They don't want to piss off John.

MONICA
(voice over)
Johnny? Ya think if I would have
grabbed your bum when you kissed
me that Dana would have kissed you
and not Mulder?

DOGGETT
(voice over)
Shut up, Mon'.

They are quiet as the car continues on it's way to the Geneva Airport.

FADE OUT:

Will the gang ever find Marita Lynn Covarrubias, or is she lost forever somewhere in Europe?

TO BE CONCLUDED...

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