Title: "Doggett & Scully Interview"
Written by: Cassie & Kristi
Date: November 23, 2008
Air Date: November 24, 2008
Rating: PG-13
Series: FRVS - Episode #H03
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
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Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: Doggett and Scully are interviewed during the 2008 FRVS Hiatus.
REPORTER: Welcome to our third installment of FRVS’s 2008 Hiatus. I’m joined today with John Doggett and Dana Scully, in what I hope will be a better interview than my last one.
Scully nods her head in agreement.
REPORTER: John, Dana, welcome to our studio.
DOGGETT/SCULLY: Thanks Reporter.
REPORTER: How have you two been spending this past year since the “Fox & Rat” season nine finale?
DOGGETT: It’s been a year?
SCULLY: Babysitting.
REPORTER: Babysitting? Is it safe to assume that you and John have had a baby in the past year and that’s why “Fox & Rat” has been delayed?
Doggett laughs as does Scully.
SCULLY: Heck no! We’re not ready for kids yet, I’m talking about watching over my big boys, Fox and Alex.
REPORTER: Oh. I see. Let’s talk about last season for a bit. You two were separated, John you were almost killed by an alien and Dana you are dying from cancer. John how trying was it on your skepticism to be attacked by an alien and to see your world taken over by alien forces?
DOGGETT: That’s some major fucked up shit, isn’t it?
SCULLY: John, sweetie, watch your potty mouth.
DOGGETT: Sorry. (beat) It’s crazy weird to see the world so desolate and having the danger of being attacked at any given moment. I’ll tell you getting an alien claw gashed into your back is not fun.
SCULLY: That’s kind of a given.
DOGGETT: I know, but I’m just sayin’.
SCULLY: Just sayin’ what?
She leans in towards John and gives him a flirtatious smile. The Reporter looks at you and gives you a look that says that he’s afraid this interview is going to turn into a John and Dana Flirt Fest.
DOGGETT: Just sayin’.
John winks at her.
REPORTER: Ahem!
John and Dana redirect their attention to the Reporter.
DOGGETT/SCULLY: Sorry.
REPORTER: Dana, you’re a skeptic too, but a believer at the same time since you worked for the Syndicate and The Project. How has your experience with that helped you through this?
SCULLY: I can say for certain that my experience with the Syndicate and my experience having been a part of The Project has helped me to prioritize everything in terms of what is most important as a whole and what is important to me as an individual. I’ve had to make decisions that personally I did not feel was in the best interest for myself, but did so anyway for the greater good.
DOGGETT: She’s self-sacrificing. Something that I’m hoping will cut down now that she and I are together again.
REPORTER: You’re referring to the self-sacrificing moment of removing the chip in the base of your neck, which has led to you getting cancer. How do you think this cancer arc will affect you two in the upcoming season.
DOGGETT: Well I’m already at odds with my buddy Knowle. Decisions are being made about Dana’s well-being that I haven’t been a part of. So there’s this tension between Knowle and I. There might even be a tension between Dana and I.
SCULLY: Hopefully in our loins. (laughs) I’m just kidding! (laughs)
Doggett rolls his eyes. He points at her.
DOGGETT: She had caffeinated coffee before walking into this interview.
SCULLY: Ok, seriously though... death is on the horizon I’m sad to say so the fact that John is facing life without me could bring unwelcome tension to our relationship in season ten. I hope not, but sometimes things like that happen between people who love each other very much. Lovers fight, and it’s good to-
DOGGETT: - Dana, if you keep talking you’re going to spoil the entire season for the readers.
SCULLY: Alex would love that.
REPORTER: John, when Dana passes...
DOGGETT: Can we not talk about that please?
REPORTER: Can I reword my question?
DOGGETT: Sure.
REPORTER: If... Dana passes do you think that you’ll be able to find love again?
DOGGETT: That’s not an appropriate question.
REPORTER: So your answer is “no”?
DOGGETT: I’m not going to discuss that right now. It’s not appropriate, her cancer could go into remission.
SCULLY: It did once before.
REPORTER: Because Charles Spender put that chip in your neck? From my understanding the only thing that made your cancer go into remission was that chip.
John and Dana give each other a look. Dana nods her head at John, something unsaid has passed between them.
DOGGETT: How’s your married life?
REPORTER: That’s not pertinent to this interview?
SCULLY: I heard that your wife slept with Alex after his interview with you a couple weeks ago. How does that make you feel?
DOGGETT: Dana, don’t forget to mention that he can’t deny this knowledge, he walked in on it.
REPORTER: This interview is not about me, it’s about you.
DOGGETT: Then can you please respect us when we don’t wish to discuss certain topics. I was under the understanding this was not an interview for a tabloid rag.
REPORTER: I’m sorry.
Awkward seconds roll by as the Reporter twittles his thumbs and contemplates how to “get” Alex in another interview.
REPORTER: How will you two be spending Thanksgiving this year?
John’s eyes light up, sparkling from excitement.
DOGGETT: Turkey and football!
SCULLY: Monica is going to try to teach me how to properly prepare Thanksgiving dinner. The fire department will be on standby.
DOGGETT: I’m so going to beat Knowle and Monica this year in the Backyard Bowl.
REPORTER: The “Backyard Bowl”? What’s that?
SCULLY: It’s when John, Knowle, Monica and Shannon get together and regress back to childhood.
DOGGETT: Shan’ and I are Team Up Your Ass and Mon’ and Knowle are Team Whoop Your Ass and each year since we were...
SCULLY: Since Johnny was ten.
DOGGETT: Shan’ and I have been trying to win the Backyard Bowl. It’s our own little Super Bowl if you will. This past year on “Fox & Rat” Shan’ and I have spent more time on set with our Nerf football, practicing and I think we’re ready to take home the Corn Stalk Trophy.
Dana rolls her eyes.
SCULLY: Sometimes I can’t believe that I share the same bed with this man.
DOGGETT: OOH RAH! Team Up Your Ass! Backyard Bowl Champions 2008! YEAH BABY! YEAH! AHHHHHH!
John stands up and pumps his fist in the air and flexes his bicep. Dana grins and places her hand on his bicep.
SCULLY: John, sit down.
She grins at the Reporter and caresses John’s bicep.
SCULLY: He works out.
REPORTER: Anyway, before John demonstrates his victory dance-
SCULLY: I can watch that now if you don’t mind. John doesn’t know this but my brother Charles and I have this bet going, five-hundred dollars. If John’s team wins I lose five-hundred and if they lose Charles owes me five-hundred. Since I think Team (rolls her eyes) Up Your Ass is going to lose I wouldn’t mind watching the practice victory dance right now.
John steps out of Dana’s grasp on his arm and does an Irish jig.
SCULLY: I taught him that. But he added the disco arms.
REPORTER: Dana, last year after “Fox & Rat” ended you went on to film a new X-Files movie, without John, what was that like?
SCULLY: Mulder’s a doll, simply a cute and huggable doll.
REPORTER: So it was hugs all over?
SCULLY: It always is with Mulder.
REPORTER: I was told that you are currently looking for new film or TV projects, is this a hint about the destiny of your time on “Fox & Rat”?
SCULLY: I’m what? Who told you that?
REPORTER: Alex said that you’ve been getting offers.
SCULLY: I’ve only gotten one offer in the past year-
REPORTER: The second X-Files movie?
SCULLY: Oh no, that’s not what I’m talking about.
DOGGETT: I’ve offered to get down on one knee and propose but she said to hold that thought until “Fox & Rat” is over and we don’t have the pressure of showing up to work everyday and Alex or Walter pestering us about it.
REPORTER: Am I getting breaking news here? Are you two going to be married soon?
DOGGETT/SCULLY: We’d like to be.
REPORTER: Do you know it’s creepy when you say the same thing at the same time? It’s very Mulder and Krycek-like.
DOGGETT: Don’t ever compare Dana and I to Mumbo and Jumbo again.
REPORTER: Why Mumbo and Jumbo? Who’s who?
SCULLY: Jumbo, Mulder. Mumbo, Alex.
DOGGETT: Don’t tell him why.
SCULLY: I think that’s common knowledge, John.
DOGGETT: Minors may be tuning into our interview.
SCULLY: So? They probably tuned in during Alex and Mulder’s interview and you know how that went.
DOGGETT: This is a family show.
SCULLY: No it isn’t. Remember the cameras in my bedroom and yours at certain intimate times?
John’s ears go red.
SCULLY: Mulder’s big down there and Alex talks out his ass.
REPORTER: Alex left me some questions to ask you two a couple weeks ago, would you mind humoring him and our viewers and answering a couple of them?
SCULLY: Absolutely!
DOGGETT: Do I have to?
SCULLY: Yes.
REPORTER: Ok first off Alex wants to know what physical feature of his you find most attractive. He wants both of you to answer this.
SCULLY: His little butt.
DOGGETT: Nothing. Nothing about him is attractive at all.
REPORTER: How many times per week do you two – and I’ll quote – “the horizontal shimmy”?
DOGGETT/SCULLY: Five or six.
REPORTER: He left me a comment to say to your response (clears throat) and I’ll quote... “oh yeah. Who da man”.
SCULLY: I bet he’s talking about himself.
DOGGETT: He always does.
REPORTER: If you could skinny dip with one celebrity who would it be? Paris Hilton or Britney Spears?
SCULLY: Britney Spears.
DOGGETT: (disgusted) I’d rather skinny dip with Monica and she’s like my sister.
SCULLY: That can be arranged if you don’t answer the question.
DOGGETT: Neither!
Dana takes out her cell phone and dials. A few seconds pass.
SCULLY: (on phone) Mon, it’s Dana. Hi... do you want to meet John and I at the Y at six tonight? (beat) Sure, you can bring Alex. (beat) No! Don’t, not if he’s going to do that!
Dana quickly hangs up her phone.
DOGGETT: Paris Hilton. She’s of age, right?
SCULLY: I think they’re both of age now.
DOGGETT: Gross.
REPORTER: Ok, his last question... What do you think the chances are that the writers of “Fox & Rat” will continue the stories of the characters in a spin-off series called “The Chronicles of Alex Krycek”?
DOGGETT: He came up with that idea didn’t he?
SCULLY: I think someone would have to pay the writers actual money, not just feedback, to find the inspiration and motivation to do that. I think Alex may be disappointed.
DOGGETT: What about the rumor of a Special Edition of “Fox & Rat”?
SCULLY: Lost episodes, missing scenes and more slash moments between America’s favorite will-they-or-won’t-they couple?
DOGGETT: Complete with an updated soundtrack listing, episode commentaries and more.
REPORTER: Did Cassie and Kristi tell you to say that or is this just one of those weird couple things to make me feel uncomfortable?
DOGGETT/SCULLY: Couple things.
REPORTER: This concludes this week’s interview with John and Dana Doggett. Make sure to tune in December first for my interview with Knowle Rohrer, Monica Reyes, and Robert Comer to find out who won the Backyard Bowl.
SCULLY: We’re not married yet, Mr. Reporter.
REPORTER: Whatever.
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