Title: "Happy New Year!"
Written by: Cassie & Kristi
Date: April 1, 2001
Air Date: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Series: FRVS - Episode #048
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
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Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: Mulder and Krycek invite their buddies over to ring in the new year, things don't quite go as planned.
FADE IN:
INT. MULDER/KRYCEK'S APARTMENT - DAY
LIVING ROOM
NEW YEAR'S EVEMulder, Skinner and Doggett are seated on the couch, watching a figure skating New Year special. As WE PAN BACK, we see Marita and Krycek standing, holding bowls and stirring the contents with wooden spoons, Krycek is wearing a red apron.
On the TV screen a young skater (15/16) takes center ice. She's got on lots of makeup and is wearing a very skimpy skating costume. Mulder suddenly gets very interested in the skating program and tilts his head to "check out" the skater.
KRYCEK
(disgusted)
Mulder! Stop it!
MARITA
(calm)
You do know she's 15, right?
Mulder un-tilts his head and frowns with complete disappointment.
MULDER
(very disappointed)
Oh... it's hard to tell
with all the make-up!
DOGGETT
(leaning back on couch)
Actually, her name and
age came up on screen.
Mulder hangs his head, in shame of his ignorance of the television. Marita and Krycek continue to stir in their bowls.
KRYCEK
(to Mulder)
You need a woman, Mulder.
Marita flirtatiously glances at Krycek with a twinkle in her eye and smiles a sly smile.
MARITA
(cute voice)
So do you, honey.
Marita turns on her heel, after having embarrassed Krycek (since he keeps thinking that they are a couple, when they are not), and walks into the kitchen. Upon entering the kitchen, Marita stops stirring and freezes in place, reacting to what she sees. POV - MARITA
Scully hasn't noticed that Marita has come back. She is frantically spraying PAM into the air and waving her hands around, loudly muttering to herself "Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!".
Marita looks on with her jaw dropped... what the heck is going on?!
MARITA
(dead pan)
What the hell are you doing?
Scully quickly turns around, scared out of her wits, a small scared squeak slips out of her mouth. She begins to deeply breathe in the air, quickly... a desperate attempt to keep the horrid smell of burnt food from entering the living room where:
KRYCEK
(off screen/sniffs the air)
STOP RUINING MY HOLIDAY!
Scully keeps breathing in the air, her breath gets shorter and shorter, she starts squeaking as she breathes. SUDDENLY... KERPLUNK! Scully passes out on the floor, a pathetic result of not wanting to get yelled at by Krycek. The can of PAM falls to the floor next to her, and rolls next to Marita's feet. CUT TO:
LIVING ROOMESPN Sport Center is on, our guys are still seated as we last saw them, Doggett is sipping a glass of water. Inspired, Mulder gets a wicked grin on his face.
MULDER
(laughing under his breath)
You know... Marita has a boyfriend.
Krycek immediately looks dumbfounded and depressed, even heartbroken. Meanwhile, Doggett's calm sipping of his water has turned into a long big gulp, finishing the drink. Doggett stands up and excuses himself from the room to go check on things in the kitchen, there's only so much of Mulder and Krycek a person can take in one day. INT. KITCHEN
Doggett walks into the room and sees Scully passed out on the floor, her arms and legs are sperad out and Marita is frantically lifting her arm and dropping it to the floor... it falls limp each time.
MARITA
(shaking Scully)
Wake up honey... honey...
Doggett sets his empty glass down on the kitchen counter and kneels down next to Marita and Scully, concerned.
DOGGETT
For cryin' out loud,
what'd ya do?
As Marita continues to shake Scully, Doggett gently pats the back of his hand on Scully's face. CUT TO:
ANGLE - FRONT DOORThere are 3 knocks on the door. After a beat, Mulder appears to open it, and when he does, there is a beautiful woman standing before him... a woman we haven't seen before. The woman removes sunglasses from her face, revealing that she has emerald green eyes. Her hair is dark brown with a slight red tint, it rests beautifully on her shoulders. She smiles at Mulder, who is standing there gawking over her, as she removes her long faux fur coat and hangs it on the coat hanger by the door. Mulder eyes her up and down... she's slim and of medium height, he nods his head to himself as he watches her walk away from him and into the living room with a sexy sway of her hips (of course in a form-fitting black dress and high heels). Mulder nervously runs his hand on the back of his neck... whooboy!
Sadly though, Mulder belives his chances with this mysterious woman are ruined as she sits herself down next to Krycek (who has taken Mulder's place on the couch). Krycek, watching the TV, doesn't notice her at first. After a few odd beats, and the woman glaring at Krycek, he begins to sense her next to him... and as he turns his head slowly around to see her... we believe that he is going to be just as turned on as Mulder is, but:
KRYCEK
(jumping out of couch/screaming)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The woman says something to him in Russian, but this doesn't stop him from being "scared to death". Wondering what is going on, Marita and Doggett's heads pop out of the kitchen and they watch as Krycek points at the woman accusingly with a look of fear in his eyes and then runs, screaming out of the apartment. The door slams, all is quiet. Mulder, believing that perhaps he does have a chance with this woman, sits down next to her and offers his hand as he introduces himself. The woman gives him a sexy, sly smile, that can't actually be a good thing.
CUT TO:
KITCHENDoggett and Marita are still looking our into the living room. SUDDENLY, Scully taps Doggett on the shoulder, he jumps a bit, startled by this.
SCULLY
(woozy)
What happened?
She almost falls over backward, Doggett places his hand on her back to steady her. He and Marita carefully lead her over to the kitchen table, holding her up as she walks. They sit her in a chair... she looks at them... just a little cross-eyed... who knows what she really was inhaling in that PAM can.
DOGGETT
(caring/concerned for his friend)
What's the last thing
you remember, Agent Scully?
SCULLY
(woozy/flirty)
You can call me Dana.
He gives her a sweet smile, Marita notices... how cute was that?! From the living room we hear Skinner, yelp... he quickly enters the kitchen, scared.
SKINNER
Do not go in there!
Skinner notices Scully's wooziness and rushes up to her.
SKINNER
Dana? Honey?
Are you alright?
Skinner, wraps his arms around Scully and hugs her... Scully's lips begin to quiver as she fights to hold back tears. Doggett stands up to go investigate the goings on in the living room, he peeks in to investigate. Suddenly, Scully starts crying... we don't know why, all are confused.
SCULLY
(crying/confused)
Why am I crying?
DOGGETT
(off screen)
OH MY GOD!
Doggett quickly returns to the kitchen table, he looks scarred for life. He grabs a wine bottle that is on the table and takes a long swig. There's a knock at the front door, no one makes a move to answer. They glance toward the kitchen exit, Scully sniffs, she's stopped crying.
POV - SCULLY, MARITA, DOGGETT, SKINNER
After a few more knocks on the door, Mulder walks by, zipping up his pants. They hear him open the door.
MULDER
(off screen)
Oh hey! Jeff!
We continue to hear mumbles of simple conversation, Jeffrey Spender wasn't exactly expected to show up at their little New Year get together. Scully, Marita, Doggett and Skinner's heads turn as they watch Mulder and Spender walk by the kitchen, heading into the living room.
MULDER
(off screen)
Jeffrey, I'd like you to
meet... Svetlana.
In the kitchen, reacting to what she just heard, Marita's eyes go wide.
MARITA
(under her breath)
No...
For a moment, we all think that Marita is jealous, as if Svetlana (woman) were an ex-girlfriend of Krycek, but:
MARITA
(frightened)
Alex's sister... she's here?
SKINNER
Sister? (gets confused)
Is that bad?
She nods her head, in a kind of spacy-frightened way. We continue to hear mumbles of conversation coming from Mulder, Spender and Svetlana. CUT TO:
LIVING ROOMMulder and Svetlana are on the couch, Mulder has draped his arm around Svetlana's shoulders. Spender is seated on the ground, going through the videos Mulder and Krycek have stacked by the side of their TV.
SPENDER
(picking up videos and reading them)
Bambi, Aliens, Willy Wonka And The
Chocolate Factory, Point Break,
Homebase? (beat/shakes head)
Slap Shot, Swingers... (gets confused)
Getting Laid: For Dummies?
Spender looks up from the video and glares at his brother, with a disgusted look on his face.
SPENDER
That's sick, Mulder.
MULDER
(arm around Svetlana)
Hey, it's not mine.
Ya see I've got a woman, but
Alex... he's a needy man...
Mulder slowly turns his head toward Svetlana and kisses her, she doesn't exactly look all that excited. Spender gives Mulder one more nasty glare before popping in the video. As the tape runs, the FBI Warning pops up on the screen, then SUDDENLY the picture fades and gets blurry and then gets really clear again, over and over again.
SPENDER
Geez! You guys!
Doggett comes out of the kitchen, and takes notice of the pirated copy of "Getting Laid: For Dummies" and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
DOGGETT
(serious)
You do know that federal law
provides severe civil and criminal
penalties for unauthorized reproduction
of copyrighted video tapes -
Mulder remains sitting on the couch mimiking Doggett as he lectures him.
SKINNER
- Criminal copyright infringement
is investigated by the FBI and may
constitute a felony.
DOGGETT
You could get the maximum
penalty of five years in prison -
SCULLY
(still a bit woozy)
- Either that or a $250,000
fine, which you guys can't afford.
Mulder sits there for a moment, contemplating all of this information that he already knew.
MULDER
(dead pan)
Shut up.
Spender's face is right up close to the screen, he's trying to figure out what is going on with the video.
SPENDER
How can you even tell
what that - (tv clears)
(shocked) Well then!
Spender backs away from the TV, not wanting to know why 2 male roommates have this how-to-do-it sex educational video... Marita comes out of the kitchen, pouting a bit.
MARITA
(pissed, kinda)
Guys, we need a dinner
before Alex gets back and
finds out what happened.
DOGGETT
(revealing)
I've been known to cook
up some good meals in my time.
SCULLY
(sad)
Not me... but I've tried.
Doggett, and Scully go back to the kitchen to help Marita with dinner, we see that Scully picks up a wooden spoon and Marita quickly lightly smacks her hand and takes the spoon away from her... no more Scully cooking disasters for today. Doggett laughs at this and Marita places Mulder's chef hat on top of Doggett's head. TIME CUT:
11:48pmMulder, Scully, Marita, Skinner, Doggett, Spender and Svetlana are sitting at Mulder and Krycek's pool table, their dirty plates from their dinner are before them. Obviously they have been done eating for a long time, must be waiting for Krycek to return.
DOGGETT
Dollars to donuts, I never
thought I'd ever eat on a
pool table...
MARITA
That's Alex and Fox for ya.
SCULLY
(oops this slips out)
You can do more on a pool table
than eat. Right, Walt?
MARITA
Uh... please assure me that
that's never happened on
this pool table.
MULDER
You never know with this apartment.
Spender gets this seasick look on his face with that... if Mulder can make a comment like that... what does it mean?! We don't want to know. Everyone else looks at him, not believing that what they are talking about has actually happened there. But, Scully and Marita know what's happened in the apartment in the past.
MARITA
(curious)
So what is everyone
thankful for?
Doggett gives her an odd look as does Spender. The others give out a sigh indicating that this always seems to happen on New Years and not on Thanksgiving.
MARITA
(not understanding)
What?
MULDER
Wrong holiday. You did the
same thing last year, but
we shrugged it off as one
of your blond moments.
MARITA
(pathetic)
What if I care?
What's wrong with that?
SCULLY
(flirty/still affected by PAM)
I'm thankful John knows how
to cook really well.
SKINNER
(serious sarcasm)
I'm thankful Dana hasn't
died because of the actual
contents of the PAM can.
SPENDER
(shy)
I'm thankful I get to spend
this holiday with my brother,
no matter how much a pain in the
ass he can be, he's still family.
They all ooh and ahh over that one and Mulder hugs Spender with a silly grin on his face.
MULDER
Awwww, Jeff
Spender starts to wave Mulder off of him, and quickly runs his hand through his hair to fix it from the mess Mulder caused... on purpose... maybe...
DOGGETT
I'm thankful I left
the living room when I did.
SKINNER
I hear ya!
SVETLANA
(heavy Russian accent)
I am thankful Alex isn't here.
MARITA
(giddy)
I'm thankful you are all
telling me what you are
thankful for.
SUDDENLY, the front door flies open. It's Krycek, and he's drunk. In his right hand is a brown paper back, he lifts it to his mouth and drinks... we hear him gulping as he does. He then approaches the pool table and glares at Svetlana.
KRYCEK
Svetlana. Ti o-chen
gloopaya sooka!
Svetlana stands up, pissed as hell, she stomps over to him and slaps him hard across the face, Krycek laughs, even though it did hurt.
MULDER
(whisper/wondering)
He called me that once,
does anyone know what that
means?
Now Krycek and Svetlana are yelling at eachother in Russian, everyone else watches on.. wondering what exactly their "loving" brother/sister relationship is.
SVETLANA
Alex! Ti vsegda sooka-sin!
Mulder stands up, defensive of Svetlana.
MULDER
Krycek! No! (beat)
I love her!
Svetlana turns to face Mulder and glares at him.
SVETLANA
(heavy Russian accent)
You asshole, I used you
to make Alex angry.
Mulder whimpers... he's heartbroken and as he gasps he falls down back into his chair. 11:59pm
Svetlana yells something at Krycek and then slams the door on her way out.
KRYCEK
(sarcastic)
Well that was pleasant,
wasn't it?
The TV in the living room now shows the countdown to the next year on TV from Times Square, Skinner is watching it, he snuck into the living room (with everyone else) as Krycek and Svetlana were fighting.
SKINNER
Ten! Nine! Eight!
EVERYONE
Seven! Six! Five! Four!
Three! Two! One! (beat)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Krycek lets out a loud hiccup... and frowns... as everyone hugs eachother. Marita walks over to him and kisses him on the cheek, he doesn't move, he stands there observing everyone, with a stupid look on his face. Scully and Skinner are now making out, Mulder breaks them up and hugs Scully as Marita and Skinner share a hug, then Mulder goes over and hugs Spender. Doggett is shaking Krycek's hand and Scully goes up to them and kisses Krycek on the cheek and then hugs Doggett and kisses him on the cheek. In the background we see that Mulder is chasing Marita around the apartment trying to kiss her. Krycek goes up to Mulder with a pissed expression on his face, he violently grabs Mulder by the back of his shirt and just when we think Krycek is pissed about Rule #1, he hugs Mulder and kisses him on the cheek.
MULDER
(re: Krycek kissing him)
Ewwwwww!!
KRYCEK
It's a Russian tradition, dammit!
We don't really notice yet but somehow Scully and Skinner have disappeared from view. As we PAN AROUND, we see that Scully has Skinner pinned down on the pool table (is it PAM or is it the alcohol?) Mulder takes notice and watches on. Krycek comes up and stands next to him.
MULDER
(excited)
It's live porn!
Krycek smacks him upside the head.
MULDER
I wanna go see Kim!
Let's go out to the bar!
Skinner pushes Scully off of him, prefering that to Scully's little sexual come-on. Skinner looks excited... oh goodie a party! Krycek, Spender, and Skinner leave the apartment... leaving Doggett, Scully and Marita there alone, with a mess. They stand there quiet observing the disaster from Mulder's Marita chase. Doggett fixes the pillows on the couch and sits down, picking up a deck of cards. Marita and Scully are attempting to clean.
DOGGETT
Anyone for a little poker?
Scully and Marita stop cleaning. Marita sits down on the couch next to Doggett, Scully sits across from them on the floor. Doggett smiles at the two sane people that are with him and deals out the cards after an impressive shuffle. TIME CUT:
INT. MULDER'S ROOM (AKA THE LOVE ROOM) - MORNINGThe room looks as if there had been a wild pillow fight. Scully, Doggett and Marita are peacefully sleeping in the same bed, Doggett in between the two women, we see that he is not wearing his shirt.
Scully sits up abruptly, realizing where she is. She looks to her right side and sees Doggett and Marita, her eyes go wide, she doesn't remember what happened or how they ended up in The Love Room as Mulder and Krycek liked to call it (since they still shared a room on Krycek's half of the apartment).
Slowly Marita wakes up, her arms stretching above her as she lets out a wake up yawn, she sits up calmly. And looks to her left, and sees Scully there, wearing Doggett's shirt, her eyes go wide. Then she looks down and sees Doggett at her side, her eyes go wider. The girls share a look, neither one of them can remember a thing.
SCULLY
(whispering)
Marita? What happened?
MARITA
(whisper)
I don't know...
SCULLY
(grinning/whisper)
I think he's naked.
Marita gasps and covers her mouth to prevent it from being louder than it was.
MARITA
(whisper)
Well... find out!
Scully takes her seriously and begins to life the covers off of Doggett and peeks.
MARITA
(yelling loudly)
DANA!
SCULLY
(loud)
What?! You told me to!
With this sudden noise, Doggett wakes up, realizing he's not alone. He sits up, and looks at them... we have no clue what Scully saw under the covers... but her face is a deep shade of red, she's now covering her mouth trying not to laugh. From the expression on Doggett's face, we can tell that he knows what happened in there the previous night, but he will not reveal that to us now.
DOGGETT
Good morning (beat)
Dana... could I have
my shirt back?
Scully looks down, she didn't remember wearing his shirt to bed... oops.
SCULLY
Uh... yeah... um...
let me get changed...
Scully gets up out of bed, Doggett's shirt is long enough on her that her underwear is not exposed to anyone. Doggett begins to remove the covers from his legs, Marita screams, he stops and looks at her.
MARITA
(jumping to conclusions)
Don't! You don't have pants on!
DOGGETT
(laughing)
What did you think happened here
last night?
He removes the blankets and stands up revealing to Scully and Marita his boxers... they've got cute little cartoon puppy dogs on them. A smile forms on Marita's face.
MARITA
(checking him out
not meaning to say this)
WOOF!
Scully comes out of the bathroom, wearing one of Mulder's shirts, she still can't find her shirt, and hands Doggett his, while eyeing him up and down... not bad... not bad at all... They are both now looking at Marita wondering why she Woofed at Doggett (well they know why). Marita gets embarassed and ducks under the covers, muttering something about how stupid she is. Doggett and Scully laugh. FADE OUT:
THE END.
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