Title: "Never Trust An Agent With A Loaded Gun"
Written by: Ging
Date: 2001
Air Date: N/A
Rating: PG
Series: FRVS - Episode #052
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
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Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note:The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: There's madness aplenty at the FBI!
The four FBI Special Agents assembled in Assistant Director Walter Skinner's office, as requested. Though there were enough chairs for everyone, one of the Agents, a newcomer to the J.Edgar Hoover Building, but by no means a newcomer to the ways of the FBI, chose to remain standing. This was Bindi Lawson, an attractive young woman, slim, with long cascading black hair. She was an old friend of Jeffrey Spender's, and now his new partner. Inseparable at the best of times, on this particular occasion, Lawson chose to stand next to Dana Scully.
The Assistant Director eyed Lawson over the rims of his glasses."Please be seated, Agent Lawson" the Assistant Director then told her. He gave Lawson an impatient look, but she remained where she stood.
"Agent Lawson" spoke Skinner, more firmly this time, "I wont ask you again!"
Lawson cringed back at the Assistant Director, and felt four pairs of eyes bore into her. She felt Agent Fox Mulder's hand briefly touch her's, encouraging her to respond to Skinner. Lawson quickly glanced at Spender, then gave Mulder a small smile.
"I'm sorry, Sir" Lawson then began apologetically, "but I couldn't possibly!" She cringed again, and Skinner glared at her even harder.
"Don't be ridiculous!" said the Assistant Director angrily, "Sit down, Agent!"
Lawson quickly looked at Mulder and Scully, before casting Spender a scornful look. Spender avoided her gaze, he'd never seen Lawson so mad before, not since he ruined her set of white Thai silk sheets by leaving his red socks in the washing machine!
"Sir" began Lawson, "I'm not being ridiculous. I just can't sit down!"
"Oh!" said Skinner, raising an eyebrow at the dark-haired young woman, "Would you care to explain yourself?"
Lawson was just opening her mouth to speak, when she heard Mulder begin to snigger. She turned and gave him a withering look, then smiled with approval as Scully reached across and slapped her partner.
"Well!" began the Assistant Director somewhat impatiently, "I'm waiting!"
Lawson half-smiled at Skinner, and began to speak, "I have a slight affliction that prevents me from sitting down" she said, choosing her words carefully. Mulder began to snigger some more.
"Tell him the real reason" Mulder then said, as Scully gave him another slap, "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him!"
Both the Assistant Director and Lawson gave Mulder a dark stare, but his words prompted Skinner to question the female Agent again.
"Would you care to explain the real reason you can't sit down?" Skinner wanted to know.
Lawson paused for a few moments, and noticed Spender shifting uneasily in his chair. Lawson also noticed the dirty looks that passed between Mulder and Spender. The two male Agents didn't exactly get along in the first place, and things had become even more strained between them since the day Lawson had transferred to the Washington DC Bureau of the FBI. Spender and Lawson had known each other from their days of training at Quantico. Now they were partners, in more ways then one. Mulder was attracted to the young woman, and failed to understand how the dark-haired beauty could choose a weasel over a guy like him. Right now though, things were looking a little tense between Lawson and Spender. Something had happened, and Spender wasn't sure if Lawson would ever forgive him. Mulder secretly hoped Lawson wouldn't forgive Spender, and turn to him for comfort. Mulder gave a wicked smile at the thought.
Finally, Lawson began to speak, she looked a little nervous, and embarrassed, she noticed the strange look Mulder was giving her, and quickly turned her attention to the Assistant Director. She didn't see Spender reach behind her and Scully to slap Mulder hard on the arm.
"Well" spoke Lawson, looking the Assistant Director straight in the eye as she did so, "There was a slight accident yesterday, an accident that has left me with the inability to sit on chairs such as these for at least a week!"
This time it was Spender who started to snigger. He clearly cringed as Lawson turned to stare at him! Man, was she pissed! Spender promptly shut up.
"What accident was this?" the Assistant Director wanted to know after giving Spender a reprimanding look, "I understand that gunshots were heard in the parking lot yesterday."
Lawson shuffled her feet, and all four Agents avoided Skinner's narrow-eyed stare.
"God!" he breathed, "Don't tell me that it was you four yesterday, running amuck in the carpark!?" He then looked at each Agent in turn, and they all continued to avoid his gaze.
"I want some answers, Agents, and now!" The Assistant Director turned to Scully. "Would you care to explain, Agent Scully?" Scully was about to speak, when Lawson spoke up. "It was an accident, Sir" she said plain and simply, "A gun went off, and I ... I ... um ... !!" Lawson trailed off. This time Scully began to snigger, and Mulder found great pleasure in slapping her hard on the shoulder. Skinner eyed Mulder and Scully, and nodded at Lawson to continue, which she did somewhat reluctantly.
"A gun went off" Lawson started, she then paused, and gave Skinner a sheepish glance.
"Yes?" said the Assistant Director, "You've already mentioned that, what happened next?"
Mulder, Scully and Spender, all began to cough and clear their throats at the same time. Lawson shot them all a black look, and the three other Agents quickly fell silent and avoided her gaze. Skinner started tapping a pencil on his desk impatiently.
"Now, if you three don't mind" he fairly snapped, "I'd like for Lawson to continue! Go ahead, Agent Lawson."
Lawson's cheeks flushed red. She tried to avoid the Assistant Director's gaze, but found she couldn't. She stood tall, and looked him straight in the eye again.
"Okay" Lawson began, "I'm not going to mince words" she paused, and took a deep breath. "There was an incident in the carpark yesterday. As I was opening the door to my car, I was accosted by Alex Krycek ... "
"What!?" said Skinner suddenly, in disbelief, "Krycek! That guy's got a nerve!" He allowed Lawson to continue.
"Krycek is one guy who can't take no for answer" said Lawson a little distastefully, "When I refused him, he started getting a bit rough. I saw Mulder, Scully and Spender enter the carpark, and I called to them for help. In the ensuing melee, guns were fired, and I copped, though I still can't work out how it happened, one of Krycek's bullets in my butt, and Spender's damn near took an ear off!" Lawson turned to Spender, and slapped the guy hard on the arm. "Never trust an Agent with a loaded gun!" she then growled at him. Lawson was about to slap Spender again, when the Assistant Director spoke. "Calm down, Agent Lawson, I'm sure Agent Spender didn't mean any harm. Especially if this incident really did happen!"
"Oh! But it did!" breathed Mulder, and Scully nodded in agreement.
The Assistant Director looked completely unconvinced, he looked at each of the Agents in turn, looking for some sign that would indicate that they were lying. He noted nothing.
"So" the Assistant Director then began after a few moments, "You expect me to believe that Lawson was shot in the rear end, while trying to get away from Krycek? Sounds pretty far-fetched to me!" He removed his glasses, and laid them on the table in front of himself. Then Skinner asked the question they were all hoping he wouldn't ask!
"Do you have any evidence to back up what you say?" The Assistant Director waited expectantly, his arms folded on the desk top.
Lawson turned to Mulder, "Do you have it?" she asked him.
Mulder turned to Scully, who handed him a small vial containing a spent bullet. Mulder handed the vial to Lawson, who placed it on the Assistant Director's desk. The four Agents watched and waited in silence as Skinner picked up the vial, and examined the contents. "So, which bullet is this?" he wanted to know, cocking an eyebrow at Lawson.
Spender cleared his throat, and began to speak, "It was examined by ballistics" he said, "the bullet was compared to all our guns, there was no match ... besides ... " Spender sniggered, and couldn't continue. Skinner looked to Mulder.
"What can you tell me, Agent Mulder, Agent Spender doesn't seem able to!" The Assistant Director noticed the humourous looks that passed between Spender and Scully, that Lawson's cheeks had flushed red from impending embarrassment.
Mulder tried to keep a straight face as he spoke. "The bullet in the vial" he croaked unintentionally, then finding his real voice, he continued, "was not fired from my own gun, Spender's, Scully's or even Lawson's guns. It had to be from Krycek's gun, because, it was ... the bullet ... they ... " Mulder couldn't play it straight any longer, and he began to laugh quite heartily. Lawson turned on him, like a lioness turning on it's prey. She slapped Mulder hard on the shoulder, and slowly his laughter began to die down, but not enough for Lawson's or Skinner's liking!
"I won't bother asking you, Agent Scully" the Assistant Director told the red-haired woman, "So I'm afraid you'll just have to tell me, Agent Lawson!"
Lawson cringed. "Oh man!" she sighed, "How embarrassing!" Her words were greeted again by sniggers and chuckles.
"Look" Lawson then began, "to cut a long story short, the bullet in the vial is the one they dug out of my ass!" She glared at the Assistant Director, but Skinner was finding it hard to keep a straight face himself now!
"Oh!" Skinner said, putting two-and-two together, "So the reason you can't sit down, is because somehow you got shot in the butt by Krycek!?" The Assistant Director was sniggering now, and Lawson was beginning to look furious!
"Um ... do you have any evidence to prove that Krycek did indeed shoot you in the butt?" Skinner was now finding it hard to keep his professional composure, as the other three Agents began giggling and sniggering once more.
"Evidence!" snapped Lawson, "You have what's in the vial! Isn't that enough? I think so!" She glared at Skinner, disgusted by the Assistant Director's behaviour and his obvious attempt to humiliate her in front of her fellow Agents.
Skinner stopped sniggering for a moment, and raised an eyebrow at Lawson again. "But you have other evidence, isn't that correct? Evidence such as a point of entry?" The Assistant Director started sniggering again, and Mulder and Scully had practically fallen into each others arms from laughing so much.
Lawson stared at the Assistant Director incredulously. She understood clearly as to what Skinner was alluding to, but couldn't believe he would ask such a thing!
"What are you saying?" Lawson said, her jaw felt like it would fall to the ground any second out of shock. "Are you suggesting that I show you where the bullet entered my butt!?"
"Yes!" croaked the Assistant Director through another giggling bout, "That's exactly what I mean!"
Suddenly Mulder began to whistle, "Come on baby!" he then called out, "Shake that groove thang!" Both Scully and Spender slapped Mulder hard on the arms, Spender a little harder than Scully.
"Oh! Damn!" Lawson shrieked disgustedly, "I really can't believe you guys! You want me to lift my skirt and show you all where Krycek shot me!?" Four heads nodded their acknowledgement in silent unison. Lawson looked to the one Agent she thought might side with her against the Assistant Director's request, "Et tu Scully?" she said, feeling a little like Caesar before he was stabbed. Scully just smiled back, and waited expectantly.
"I'm not dismissing anyone from this office" began the Assistant Director, breaking the silence in a serious tone, "until all evidence is presented!"
"Come on baby!" Mulder then pleaded, "Do it for me!?"
Skinner gave Mulder a strange look, and Spender leant across in his chair to land a heavy right hook in Mulder's arm. Mulder wailed, and was preparing to hit Spender back when Lawson spoke, "Oh geez!!!" she groaned disgustedly, then her hands went to the zipper at the back of her dark brown skirt. Slowly Lawson began to unzip her skirt. She pulled back just enough of the skirt material, so that they could all see a little piece of the rusty stained bandage that covered her bullet wound. Hastily Lawson then zipped up her skirt.
"Federal Bureau of Investigations my foot!" the black haired woman snarled, "In your particular cases, it should be Freaky Butt Investigators!" Lawson slapped Spender for giving her a real cheeky look, then tucking in her shirt she then declared, "All evidence has been presented, Sir, can we be dismissed now?"
"Yes!" agreed the Assistant Director looking a little mischievious, "By all means ... butt out!" He began to laugh at his little joke, Lawson groaned and rolled her eyes at him.
As Lawson then followed the other three Agents from the Assistant Director's office, she let loose with a colourful barrage of insults before storming off to her office.
"Hey Mulder!" Spender said as he watched his partner huff away, "Do you think Krycek put a bug up her butt when he shot her?"
Mulder chuckled, "Sure seems like it!" he agreed, then dropping his tone, Mulder added menacingly, "Get your ugly butt-face outta my way, Spender!" The two male Agents then glared and postured at each other before turning away and retreating to their respective offices. Things were back to normal at the FBI Building, but for how long?
THE END.
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