Title: "Mowing The Snow"
Written by: Cassie & Kristi
Date: April 2, 2001
Air Date: N/A
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Series: FRVS - Episode #054
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
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Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: This is what happens when you put 'lawn mowing' and 'snow' in the same sentence as 'Mulder and Krycek'...
It was a bright and sunny day, a Sunday. Doggett had gotten up extra early and was typing his case report that was due on Skinner's desk the next morning.
The smell of Colombian coffee fills the house, Doggett had forgotten he had set the coffee maker's timer the previous night. Needing a caffeine fix, Doggett stands up, still wearing his flannel pajama pants and Marine T-shirt, he dusts off some donut crumbs from his shirt.
Meanwhile, outside of the house, Mulder and Krycek are standing out of view from Doggett. They look very stupid and awfully suspicious.
"I will not take this abuse." Mulder clearly states.
"Get off your butt and help me."Mulder plops on the ground, right into a pile of snow.
Great now my ass is wet... and cold." he pouts.
Mulder looks around and thinks to himself. Why the hell are we out here on a Sunday morning.
Thoughtfully, Krycek is looking around the yard, scratching his chin with his right hand.
"Mulder, we have a dilemma."
Mulder looks up at him, making a point to remain sitting in the pile of snow, he wants to go home.
Mulder grumpily asks, "What's that?"
"There's snow covering the ground, how are we supposed to mow the lawn?"
"Thank you Captain Obvious. Hey maybe we could make a really big snowman and that way we can recover the grass and mow it..."
At this moment, you, the reader, are probably thinking: Mulder, you idiot. However... Krycek yells excitedly "YES!" as he jumps up and down clapping his hands.
Inside Mulder's red convertible across the street, sit Scully and Marita. They are sipping hot cocoa. Marita drops some small marshmallows into her mug making airplane bomber noises as they hit the surface. Scully looks at her weird.
As Marita continues to drop marshmallows into her mug she rambles on to Scully.
"So when do you think they will notice that there's snow on the ground and that the grass is dead? I mean... they've been out there for a half an hour.
"I wonder if Doggett will be seriously mad at them when and if they actually do mow the lawn."
There's a loud knock at the car window, Krycek is standing there. They can barely see him because the heat from the hot cocoa has steamed up the windows. Krycek is trying to wipe the steam off from his end. Marita and Scully share a look. Marita rolls down her window.
"What?", Marita asks, irritated.
"We need a lawn mower.", he whispers.
"Why are you whispering?"
"Why are you?"
"I don't know!" she snaps.
Scully rolls her eyes at them.
"Alex," Marita says "Go find one in Doggett's garage. I'm sure he has one in there."
"Wouldn't that be breaking and entering?"
"Oh like you've never done that." Scully blurts out.
Krycek glares at her and walks away, but not without throwing a snowball, that he had hidden, into the car, hitting Scully.
A few minutes pass and Doggett returns to his laptop to continue his case report. He carefully sets his coffee mug down on his coffee table and sits down on his couch, his back facing the living room window. Krycek is running right up to it like a frickin' dumb-ass. Upon seeing Doggett's back, he drops to the ground with a loud "OH!" Doggett hears this and turns around to look out the window, nothing. Must have been a bird. He continues typing.
Outside, Mulder is huffing and puffing as he attempts to roll a huge bottom end of what will become a snowman. Scully and Marita watch laughing at the fact that they can see Doggett hard at work in his living room, oblivious to the idiocy before them.
Suddenly, Krycek starts pushing against Mulder and eventually knocks him to the ground, and then without hesitation, Krycek rolls the five foot snowball over Mulder... crushing him.
"Ow you frickin' idiot, get this dumb piece of shit off me!", Mulder wails.
Krycek stands there laughing uncontrollably, pointing his finger at Mulder... who is unable to move, but he attempts to squirm. Inside Mulder's car, Scully is holding a camcorder, recording the whole event. Marita has passed out from laughing too hard.
"Oh my God! Are you seeing this?! Mulder is like a weak lizard!" proclaims Scully, in a very schoolgirl tone of voice. She looks at Marita's limp body, shrugs her shoulders and continues taping. "John, if you ever see this tape, this was not my idea, it was Marita's." Scully innocently states.
Suddenly, gunshots are fired at Krycek, Mulder plays dead. An overweight man in his boxers and beer stained wife-beater stands there shooting his rifle at Krycek, who is jumping in place dodging bullets, screaming at the top of his lungs.
Scully drops the camcorder on the seat and crawls over Marita and forcefully exits the car, her gun drawn and aimed at this overweight man.
"FBI! Drop your weapon!"
He turns his gun on Scully and starts shooting at her just as Doggett exits his house, his gun drawn. Seeing that Scully is being shot at, Doggett aims his gun at the overweight man's leg and shoots, dropping him before he has a chance to hurt Scully. The man falls to the ground with his rifle in hand and shoots Krycek in the butt... who falls to the ground wailing like a girl.
Doggett approaches Scully, holding his gun on the man.
"You ok, Agent Scully?"
"I'm fine."
Police sirens are heard as police cars screech around the corner, before they realize what is happening, Scully and Doggett are both pinned up against Mulder's red convertible. They are read their rights. Doggett notices that Marita is passed out in the drivers seat.
"What the hell is going on?"
He looks at the cops.
"We're FBI agents", Doggett states.
"Oh sure you are... and I'm Ronald McDonald. Now shut up."
As Scully and Doggett are being forced into the back of the police car... Krycek, Mulder and Marita are being loaded into ambulances to be transported to St. Vince's Union Hospital.
Hours later... maybe even days... Skinner is sitting in the hospital room that Marita, Krycek, and Mulder are in. Mulder is suffering a broken rib... They all requested to be in the same room. All three of them are sleeping, Skinner is watching Tom & Jerry.
That same night in a jail cell far, far away... Doggett and Scully are sitting on the lone bed, playing "Patty Cake", Scully's doing.
Doggett attempts to say: "Patty Cake, patty cake... bakers hand... make me a pie as quick as -- How does it go again?"
"I've said it so much I've forgotten." Scully says deadpan (disappointed)
"Know any other games?"
"Nope."
"Do you think this is the end of us?" Doggett seriously asks.
"Probably."
They sit for a few moments pondering the end of their lives. Scully sleepily rests her head on his shoulder. They continue pondering.
"I'm gonna use one of Krycek's cheap pick up lines and say: I've heard the world's coming to an end, wanna go out with a bang?"
Scully removes her head from his shoulder and looks at him cocking an eyebrow...
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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