Title: "Monkey Business"
Written by: Cassie
Air Date: March 11, 2002
Rating: PG-13
Series: FRVS - Episode #074
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
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Author's Note: I wrote this soon after having seen Tim Burton's Planet of The Apes, this may explain what I've done... kinda.
Summary: Doggett, Reyes and Alfredo are alerted to a case involving the "disappearance" of monkeys.
FADE IN:
ZOO - DAY
Monica and Doggett are there, investigating a case about stolen gorillas. They are inside one of the gorilla cages with their investigative team, consisting of... Agent Robert Alfredo.
ALFREDO
You guys wanna take a look
at this ape dung?
Alfredo walks up to them, pinching his nose to block out the stench.
MONICA
Did you see something suspicious
in the dung?
Doggett looks at the two of them and rolls his eyes... how can they be so serious when discussing that kind of "evidence"?
ALFREDO
I think so, but I'm not
qualified to officially do
anything about it since you and
Agent Doggett are leading the investigation.
MONICA
I see. (beat) John... go fetch
us a sample of the dung.
Monica hands Doggett a pair of latex gloves and a plastic bag. Doggett gives her an unsatisfied look and then glares at Alfredo on his way over to get the sample. As he does this, in the background, we see Alfredo showing Monica his impression of gorilla movements. Scared, Monica walks away from Alfredo and goes to speak with Doggett... out of earshot from Alfredo.
MONICA
John, is something wrong?
DOGGETT
(slappin' off the latex)
Yes, Mon'. There is. Why is he here with
us? That boy is as bad or worse than Agent
Mulder. You saw how he handled gathering the
evidence, and that's the only reason why he's
even here, to assist us... he's supposed to
pick up this kind of shit.
MONICA
(about to giggle)
No pun intended?
Doggett gives her a look.
MONICA
Don't worry about him, sometimes a
good agent, like yourself, needs to
do some of the dirty work.
Lacking a good comeback, Doggett gives her his "don't give me that crap" look. Suddenly, from inside the cage, Alfredo is in, we hear loud monkey screams. Monica and Doggett don't even look back to see what is going on.
MONICA
Gosh... Alfredo's really got his
monkey gig down pact.
However, this is not the case... Monica looks strangely at Doggett (who is watching Alfredo), he seems to be in shock. Monica turns around to see what Alfredo is doing in the monkey cage. The only thing is, Alfredo is not alone, it appears to be that Alfredo is hostage to a small chimp, that is holding a very yellow banana to the back of Alfredo's neck. Doggett starts to laugh.
DOGGETT
Look, Alfredo's found a friend.
(yells to Alfredo) OK! Funny joke man!
MONICA
(serious)
I don't think it's a joke.
He looks terrified with that
banana gun to his head.
Right on cue, a dozen zoo security officers run into the space outside of the cage, they seem frightened.
ZOO OFFICER
Ok, we need to calm down! Remember
what happened the last time when Sammy
held someone for randsom... 100 bananas guys,
get this chimp 100 bananas!
The monkey, Sammy, screams and starts to jump up and down, scaring Robert Alfredo almost to death. Doggett goes up to the Zoo Officer and flashes his FBI badge... just in case they forgot he and Agents Reyes and Alfredo were there.
DOGGETT
Agent John Doggett, FBI. That's one
of my agents in there and your
monkey is destroying the crime scene.
ZOO OFFICER
(confused)
Crime scene?
DOGGETT
We were contacted via email-
ZOO OFFICER
This always happens, I'm not sure
you're aware of this but Sammy likes
to pick on federal law enforcement. That
chimp has broken out of his cage on more than
just one occasion to have his way with law
officers. I'm afraid that you and your team
have been mislead.
MONICA
(to self)
Well that sure explains the lack
of security around when we showed up.
ZOO OFFICER
Well we saw you enter the facility, but
since the weird one (points to Alfredo)
was immitating the chimps, we figured he
was Fantastic Cheesy Gump, the only man on
this planet that is fluent in ape languages.
MONICA
(to Doggett/whisper)
Looks like you were fooled Johnny.
Doggett turns his back to Monica and the Zoo Officer and looks at Alfredo, how embarassing is this? Oh wait... Alfredo is being held captive my Sammy the monkey. Inside the cage, Sammy is running around in circles around Alfredo, causing him to become dizzy.
ALFREDO
Hey little monkey, monkey...
why don't you stop making me
sick and let me go about my
business. Ok?
The monkey smiles wide, revealing all of his teeth and then makes a fart noise through it's mouth, and proceeds to hit Alfredo over the head with the banana.
ZOO OFFICER
(off screen)
This is a good example of monkey
holding authority over the homosapien.
(turns to face the other officers)
Are we getting this on film?
As we pan back out of the cage and pass the Zoo Officer, we see a camera crew, filming Sammy's hostage event.
ZOO OFFICER
Make sure to get a close up!
Doggett walks up next to the Zoo Officer.
DOGGETT
So when are your guys gonna make
their move and contain the monkey?
ZOO OFFICER
First we must make documentation of
the event for further study. Controlling
the situation may take awhile.
Inside the cage, Sammy is throwing a hissy fit and leaping from fake tree to fake tree... tire swing to tire swing... monkey bar to monkey bar... stopping and throwing dirt all around.
ALFREDO
(terrified)
I think it wants something!
Like get me the hell out of here!
Sammy goes quiet and approaches Alfredo, places his finger on his mouth, to make Alfredo stop talking... and it works! The monkey goes up to the front of the vage, facing the zoo officers and camera crew and the helpless FBI agents. Sammy points at Doggett and then to an old, broken tire swing.
ZOO OFFICER
(to Doggett)
Sammy wants you to get him a new
tire swing... that's what this
is all about.
DOGGETT
I'm sorry, the Bureau doesn't allow
my division to purchase such things
if it doesn't directly help solve a case.
And in this case, there is no frickin' case.
The Zoo Officer ignores him, he knows more about this kind of situation than Doggett ever will.
ZOO OFFICER
Do you own a car? You could
take a tire off your own car.
Doggett doesn't know what to say to this.
MONICA
Sir, all we have with us is our
Bureau assigned car -
ZOO OFFICER
Then drive Agent Doggett to his
own car and bring back some good tires.
Four should be just fine. Sammy likes
to stack them.
Doggett looks at the Zoo Officer dumbfounded, as Monica takes him by his arm and leads him away to go get his tires.
DOGGETT
I own a truck... a car
is different from a truck.
Monica doesn't care, this may be the only way to save Agent Alfredo from Sammy the monkey. TIME CUT:
INT - MONKEY CAGE
Sammy has made Alfredo stand up and is taking his old tire swings and placing them around Alfredo's body... the camera crew is still filming.
ALFREDO
(weak)
Help me...
The Zoo Officer is watching on in amazement.
ZOO OFFICER
Absolutely amazing... Sammy seems
to understand the concept of building...
just fascinating...
In the background, we see Monica enter, carrying with her 2 large truck tires from Doggett's truck... Doggett is nowhere to be seen.
MONICA
(stuggling)
I could use some help here... please.
One of the camera crew men comes to help her, he's rather good-looking, wearing a baseball cap (on backward) a tight white t-shirt with it's sleeves ripped off (showing off his muscular arms) and tight blue jeans. Monica checks him out and almost falls over. The Crew Man takes the tires for her.
MONICA
Thank you.
CREW MAN
Not a problem, agent.
Cautiously, the Zoo Officer opens the gate to the cage, Sammy runs out to the Crew Man and grabs a tire and rolls it into the cage and returns to get the others. Then, happy to have gotten it's way, he pushes Alfredo to the ground and rolls him to the gate... leaving everyone to free Alfredo of the old tires. Monica gives him a caring smile as they free him. TIME CUT:
FBI BUILDING - KERSH'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
Kersh is sitting behind his desk, reading over Agent Doggett, Reyes, and Alfredo's case report from the previous day. Unhappy, Kersh sets the report down.
KERSH
That's it?
There is no response from Doggett, Monica or Alfredo, who are seated in front of him, looking a bit uncomfortable.
KERSH
You were sent to investigate the
disappearance of an ape, and all
you get out of it is nothing?
ALFREDO
I think you overlooked that I was
held hostage by the monkey.
This infuriates Kersh.
KERSH
What you overlooked, agents, was the
fact that this was a bullshit case!
Whatever happened to your instinct Agent
Doggett? You used to be a good agent.
No one says a thing, Kersh has locked eyes with Doggett and they are staring eachother down. After a beat, Kersh tosses the case report in the trash.
DOGGETT
Sir, we were assigned to work on
the x-files-
KERSH
All three of you can go home, and
don't even think of coming back until
you hear from me. And don't be expecting
paychecks anytime soon either. What I saw here
today was the B.S. I'd expect from Agents
Mulder, and Krycek.
Kersh stares all of them down, Alfredo almost looks as if he's going to cry. Doggett and Monica remain serious.
KERSH
You're dismissed.
Doggett, Monica and Alfredo stand up and head toward the door. However, Monica pulls something out of a container she was carrying, walks back over to Kersh's desk.
MONICA
You may be interested in this
piece of evidence, sir.
Monica places a jar of the ape dung on his desk.
MONICA
I had Agent Pendrell analyze the
sample before we came here. An
unknown chemical was found that I believe
caused the monkey to take authority over
Agent Alfredo.
And with that, Monica turns on her heel with a smirk on her face and exits the office with Doggett and Alfredo (who somehow were able to maintain serious expressions on their face when they saw her give Kersh the dung). Off Kersh's look.
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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