Review By: Zeke Ramone
What a fun way to pass time leading up to Christmas this year, than reading "A Christmas To Remember". There's a Grinch (of sorts) and those that truly love the holiday cheer and believe in the magic of Christmas. As Santa would say (in a rather jolly way) Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Enjoy this year's holiday episode of "Fox & Rat".
Title: "A Christmas To Remember"
Written by: Cassie
Air Date: December 16, 2002
Rating: PG
Series: FRVS - Episode #091
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: We love it. Please e-mail us at frvs.feedback@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: The gang spends Christmas at Doggett's house.Special Dedication: To Sara, Rob and Avery. For this year will most certainly be a Christmas to remember. We love you.
FADE IN:
INT. SCULLY/MARITA/REYES’ APT. – KITCHEN
5:45 AM – DECEMBER 24Monica is seated at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. Scully is standing by the stove, attempting to bake pancakes.
POV – SCULLY – FRYING PAN
She is scraping the pancakes off with a spatula, they are not coming off too easily. Suddenly a piece of the pancake flies into the air and lands with a small splash in Monica’s coffee mug.
Monica looks up from the newspaper, a worried expression on her face.
MONICA
Is everything going okay?
SCULLY
(lying)
Just fine. There’s nothing to worry
about, I’m practically a professional.
MONICA
Are you sure you don’t need any help?
SCULLY
Monica, I took cooking class this past
fall, I think I know what I’m doing.
Finally the burnt pancakes detach from the frying pan and Scully scoops the unidentifiable contents to a plate, and places it in front of Monica. Scully sits down, watching and waiting for Monica to eat the crap. Monica looks at the burnt “food” and then looks at Scully.
MONICA
(dead pan)
No.
Suddenly, Marita slides into the kitchen, wearing her white robe and Santa Claus socks. She has just woken up. She is panicked, her eyes are wild.
MARITA
It’s Christmas Eve! I
have no presents!
With that, Monica allows her hand to fly toward the plate in front of her, causing it to crash to the ground. Marita runs out of the apartment, grabbing her car keys and wallet. After the door shuts:
SCULLY
Please tell me I was hallucinating
the bathrobe.
MONICA
No. She’s wearing that and her nightgown.
Off their concerned looks: CUT TO:
INT. MULDER/KRYCEK’S APT. – 7 AM
Mulder is placing a seaweed Christmas tree into his fish’s tank. The fish hover around his hand, as if they are thinking “what the heck?”. One fish spontaneously attempts to bite Mulder.
MULDER
(happy)
Oh… how cute. (beat) Hey Krycek!
Look! My fish loves me!
Krycek walks into the room with wrapping paper and bows, he’s wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt and athletic running pants.
MULDER
(gay-ish)
My fishy is kissing me.
KRYCEK
What if it’s trying to hurt you?
Mulder pouts and removes his hand from the tank. The fish remains attached to his finger, Mulder lets out a terrified scream.
MULDER
It’s a frickin’ barracuda!
Get it off me!
Krycek sets down the wrapping paper and bows on the couch. He goes over and smacks Mulder’s hand, sending the fish falling straight to the ground. Krycek picks the fish back up and puts it back in the fish tank. The other two fish are staring at him. Krycek notices this.
KRYCEK
(to fish)
What are you lookin’ at?
The fish scurry off, scared of Krycek. The phone rings and Krycek answers.
KRYCEK
(answering)
What?
MONICA
(filtered/on phone)
Alex, John is being difficult. I
need you and Fox to go to his
place and make him decorate for Christmas.
KRYCEK
Why?
MONICA
(filtered/ on phone)
Because he has the largest place for
Christmas, we need to make it like
a family affair.
KRYCEK
(amused)
Sure… I’ll have an affair with you,
as long as Marita doesn’t find out.
MONICA
(filtered/on phone)
Alex. Go to John’s now!
Monica hangs up on him. Mulder is looking at Krycek.
KRYCEK
Who’s John?
MULDER
Doggett. Why?
KRYCEK
Mon’ said we have to go
and decorate his house.
Mulder hops and happily thrusts his fist in the air.
MULDER
Oh goodie!
CUT TO: INT. SHOPPING MALL – 10 AM
It’s Hell. No one can move through the hallway. Screaming kids, shouting customers… and Skinner, wishing he would have done this stupid shopping long ago.
As he moves his way through the mall, and through a crowd of people being nothing more than annoying, he spots a confused and hopeless Marita. She looks horrible… no shopping bags whatsoever. Skinner goes to her.
SKINNER
Marita? Are you okay?
Marita looks at him, utterly confused.
SKINNER
Marita?
MARITA
(squints her eyes)
Who are you?
SKINNER
I’m taking you home.
Marita looks dazed as Skinner takes her by the arm and leads her out of the mall.
MARITA
B-but… I don’t have gifts…
INT. DOGGETT’S HOUSE – NOON Mulder and Krycek have tied Doggett up in a chair and have placed tape over his mouth. Currently the boys are shoving a Christmas tree through his front door. It’s a real tree that they bought earlier in the day.
Buddy runs in behind them wearing reindeer antlers. Buddy is the happiest dog.
Exhausted, Mulder and Krycek stand the tree up in a corner of the living room. They dust off their hands on their jeans. Krycek approaches Doggett, he bends down to speak to him eye-to-eye.
KRYCEK
Okay, since you don’t have any Christmas
ornaments, Mulder and I have brought over
some of our homemade ornaments.
Doggett tries to say something, but it’s all muffled because the duct tape that is covering his mouth.
KRYCEK
What? What did you say?
I can’t understand you.
Krycek rips the tape off of Doggett’s mouth, and smirks.
DOGGETT
(angry)
You two have no right doing this in
my house! There is no way we’re
celebrating Christmas here!
KRYCEK
Oh yes we can!
DOGGETT
No, we won’t. I haven’t liked this
holiday in years. Specifically since 1986.
Mulder joins Krycek.
MULDER
(curious)
Why?
DOGGETT
(suddenly more quiet)
I don’t want to talk about it.
KRYCEK
(guessing)
Oh. I see. Too much eggnog and
you did something very embarrassing.
DOGGETT
(shocked)
How the hell do you know that?
Scully and Monica knock on Doggett’s front door and open it, letting themselves in. Monica is wearing a Santa Claus hat and Scully is carrying a large plate of cookies.
MONICA
(to Doggett)
Merry Christmas soldier!
DOGGETT
(angry)
Monica! Krycek knows about “The Thing”!
Now how the hell would he know about
that if you or Mr. Follmer didn’t tell him?
Monica stops in her tracks, she’s frightened by this new information.
MONICA
(to Krycek)
How did you find out about... “The Thing”?
KRYCEK
I don’t know what “The Thing” is.
(beat) What is the thing?
Monica won’t answer.
SCULLY
Yeah, Monica. What is “The Thing”?
MULDER
(bouncing in place, eager)
What’s “The Thing”, Monica?
What’s “The Thing”?
Doggett and Monica look at one another, Doggett shakes his head “no”. Monica makes them change the subject.
MONICA
Hey look! Dana and I made Christmas cookies!
MULDER
(easily forgets “The Thing”)
Oh goodie! I’m sure Santa will love them!
Mulder skips over to Scully and pushes her into the kitchen. Monica unties Doggett, Krycek stands by suspicious of their behaviour just moments ago.
KRYCEK
You can hide dirty truths, but I always find out.
Krycek goes to the kitchen to eat some cookies. Monica and Doggett argue with each other in hushed tones for a few minutes. We cannot understand what they are saying. After about a minute, Scully comes back to the living room, they don’t notice that she has returned.
DOGGETT
(whispering loudly)
I don’t know, but knowing Brad, I’m
sure he’d be proud to brag about it
with someone like Alex Krycek.
Monica notices Scully.
MONICA
Dana!
SCULLY
Guys, there’s something you need to
know before tonight. Why don’t you
come with me to pick up a few last minute
Christmas decorations.
Scully walks out of Doggett’s house, Monica makes Doggett go too.
DOGGETT
B-but I don’t want Mumbo and
Jumbo alone in my house without
adult supervision.
SCULLY
Don’t worry about them, I talked to them
and threatened Mulder’s porn collection
if anything bad happens.
They all get into Doggett’s truck and leave. CUT TO:
INT. SKINNER’S CAR – MALL PARKING LOT – 1PM
Though the whole point of being in the car is to get the heck out of this place. They are not moving at all.
MARITA
Can’t we move any faster? I
think a handicapped snail just
passed us.
SKINNER
Honey… there’s nothing I can do
to speed this up. It’s Christmas Eve,
we’re surrounded by dumb people who
didn’t get their shopping done last month.
MARITA
Then we’re stupid people too, you hypocrite.
A car behind them blows their car horn, darn those stupid impatient people.
SKINNER
I hate when people do that.
MARITA
(gasps)
Don’t say the “H” word, Santa may
have his spies out to see who is
naughty or nice.
Skinner smiles, oh Marita… CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT’S TRUCK – 1:30PM
They are just driving down a road in downtown D.C.
DOGGETT
Where are we going, Dana?
SCULLY
Oh this little store my mother always
went to when I was a kid.
MONICA
We need to pick up some mistletoe
too… that always comes in handy
when there are guys at a party this time of year.
Monica looks directly at Scully and then to Doggett. They ignore her. Monica rolls her eyes. Scully points out the window.
SCULLY
There it is.
Doggett pulls the truck over and parks. They get out and go in. All the employees are dressed like Santa’s elves, they are older women (40s – 60s). Doggett, Scully and Monica are greeted with many Christmas greetings. They wander to the back of the store, Doggett and Monica following Scully’s lead.
SCULLY
Ok guys. It’s my responsibility to let
you in on one of the longest kept secrets
of my circle of friends. (beat) Mulder and
Marita still believe in Santa Claus.
MONICA
Ok…
SCULLY
There’s a catch. Each year, Skinner, Krycek
and I trade off acting like Santa during the night
on Christmas Eve. I did it last year and all three
of us agreed that this year, John should do it, since
we’ve known you longer than Monica.
DOGGETT
You’ve got to be kidding me.
SCULLY
(serious)
John, don’t you dare ruin this for them.
DOGGETT
What? Am I supposed to seriously dress
up in a fat suit and put on a Santa costume?
Scully nods her head “yes”.
DOGGETT
No. I’m not going to do that. I hate
Christmas. It’s the most horrible time of the year.
A happy employee passes him and hands him a candy cane.
MONICA
(amused)
Oh Johnny, you don’t want to ruin Mulder and
Marita’s belief system, you’ve never seen the
results of something like that. I’m sure it’s not pretty.
DOGGETT
(stubborn)
No.
SCULLY
Oh come on… they’ll adore you (beat/flirtatious)
Nevermind the fact that some men make the costume
really appealing in the weirdest of ways…
Monica lightly elbows Doggett, her way of saying “hey, look, she’s flirting with you”. Doggett shrugs it off.
DOGGETT
Fine, but don’t expect me to speak
to them, that would give it away.
The girls smile at him, Monica grabs some mistletoe to put up in Doggett’s house. CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT’S HOUSE – 3PM
Surprisingly, Mulder and Krycek have cleaned up the house, and they started a fire in the fireplace.
Nine stockings are hanging from the fireplace: Fox, Krycek, Dana, Marita, Walter, Johnny, Monica, Buddy and Kitty.
Mulder and Krycek are watching “Miracle on 34th Street”, while snacking on candy cane cookies. Krycek checks his wrist watch.
KRYCEK
I’m gonna go check on the turkey.
Krycek stands up and goes to the kitchen. Mulder perks up at the sound of voices outside. The doorbell rings. He runs to the door to answer. It’s Skinner and Marita.
MULDER
(way too happy)
Merry Holly Jolly Christmas!
He lets them in.
SKINNER
Where’s John?
MULDER
Oh. He, Monica and Scully went
out to get more decorations… I think.
Marita drags in a large bag of wrapped presents.
MARITA
Oh thank goodness John has a Christmas tree!
She kneels down by the tree and places her presents (all same size and shape) under it. Krycek comes out of the kitchen, Marita looks up when he enters the living room.
KRYCEK
(smooth/sexy/not ego-centric)
Merry Christmas Marita…
He leans against the entrance to the room, looking damn sexy, and he knows it, he's just not rubbing it in. Marita stands up.
MARITA
Suh-razh-dyest-vohm, Alex.
She gives him a hug.
KRYCEK
(looks down at her)
Excited about Santa?
Marita pulls out of his arms and her eyes are bright with child-like excitement.
MARITA
Oh you know me, once it’s October,
all I anticipate is December 24th because
my favorite Jolly Old Man comes with
presents for good little girls and boys and
eats the cookies I put out for him-
MULDER
- Do you remember the year Santa got
stuck in the chimney and I think it was
Rudolph that helped push him down.
MARITA
Yeah! It was so hard to fake sleep when I
wanted to give Santa a big old hug.
Skinner and Krycek share looks, they can’t believe Mulder and Marita still believe in Santa Claus. Of course Mulder believing isn’t as far-fetched as Marita believing. And why in the world weren’t they asleep a few years back when Scully got stuck in the chimney at Skinner’s cabin? Suddenly, Scully, Monica and Doggett burst through the front door. The girls are laughing and Doggett is not amused.
MONICA
Oh come on, Johnny. I think we
should build a snowman in your
front yard.
Doggett gives her a playful snear that turns into a smile.
SCULLY
Does that smile mean we’ll make a
snowman later tonight then come
back inside for some hot apple cider?
DOGGETT
I’ll think about it, but it
won’t be up for long if we
do make one.
MONICA
Party pooper!
DOGGETT
Not because of me, the neighbor
kids are destructive.
They take their winter coats off and put them in the coat closet. Skinner approaches Scully and Doggett, he looks behind his back to make sure Marita and Mulder aren’t listening.
SKINNER
(whisper)
Guys, you may want to go get the
Santa suit from the trunk of my car.
He hands Doggett his car keys.
DOGGETT
Why’d you give me the keys?
Skinner turns to Scully.
SKINNER
You told him, right?
SCULLY
Yes, but he’s being stubborn.
Skinner turns back to Doggett.
SKINNER
I gave you the keys so you can get
the suit and take it to your room.
DOGGETT
Why can’t you?
SCULLY
Because Walter doesn’t have a reason
to go up to your bedroom.
SKINNER
Look. Get it quick. I’ll go make sure
Mulder and Marita are distracted.
Skinner leaves them and goes into the living room. Scully grabs Doggett’s arm and drags him outside, giggling. Meanwhile in the living room…
Mulder and Marita are planning where they will put their sleeping bags that night.
MARITA
Well, we could push the table
over there, that way we can both
sleep next to the Christmas tree…
MULDER
I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.
Skinner sits down on the couch.
SKINNER
So are we going to do the “traditional”
Christmas dance party tonight?
MARITA
Of course, darling. We’ll be rockin’ around
the Christmas tree until we have to get on our PJs.
She smiles at him and sits next to him.
MULDER
Do you think Doggett has the movie
“How The Grinch Stole Christmas”?
He seems to be rather grinchy about
this lovely holiday. (beat/thinks) Oh my
goodness. What if Doggett takes down
all our decorations and steals our presents?
Marita laughs.
MARITA
No, no. John wouldn’t do that, I think
deep down in his heart he truly loves Christmas.
Mulder silently agrees and goes back to examining the gifts under the tree.
MARITA
Mulder! No! Don’t spoil the fun!
Stop trying to find out if you got
the Barbie doll you wanted.
A few minutes later, Doggett enters the living room and sits down in his chair with a huff. Behind him, Scully is coming down the stairs, they just returned from hiding the Santa outfit in his bedroom. Scully passes the living room and goes to see what Monica and Krycek are up to in the kitchen. She almost runs right into Monica as she goes to the kitchen. Monica is on a footstool, hanging the mistletoe. Monica smiles at Scully.
MONICA
I know, I know… there’s not much
selection of men here, but you never know…
Monica steps down and goes to hang another mistletoe near Doggett’s front door. Scully enters the kitchen, we hear Doggett in the background, arguing with Monica about putting up mistletoe.
Krycek is mixing drinks at the counter, he doesn’t notice Scully.
SCULLY
Mmmmm… something smells good.
She bends down to peek into the oven.
KRYCEK
Why thank you.
He pours his mixture into a glass and hands it to her.
KRYCEK
What do you think?
Scully tries the drink and nods her approval.
KRYCEK
Dana? (beat) Is there any reason you can
think of about why Marita hasn’t acknowledged
me lately? (off Scully’s look) I mean, Christmas,
that’s our special holiday... she ignores me
until a certain someone is around.
SCULLY
(soft)
Alex (touches his arm)… Marita is-
KRYCEK
- With someone else. I know
that much, but why? Why not tell me
what I did wrong?
Scully sighs.
SCULLY
Well, if I can speak truthfully without
worry of being hurt…
KRYCEK
Go on.
SCULLY
She told me she needs you to grow up
before she can even imagine being in
a serious, lasting relationship with you.
Krycek takes this in with a snear forming on his face.
KRYCEK
She’s with Skinner, isn’t she? That’s
why your engagement was called
off. When did they start? Before
our death, during or –
SCULLY
- If I remember correctly, before.
When I was living with you and Mulder.
Ya know when they rented the apartment
across from your’s.
KRYCEK
And he proposed to you when he was
cheating on you with her? (beat) Dana,
you’ve really got to find yourself a good man.
SCULLY
(sarcastic)
Let me guess. A guy like you?
KRYCEK
Ew! No! I mean we’ve got our history,
we’re great together, but it never meant
anything. (beat) You need to find someone
who will treat you right. Not some guy who
lies to you. Who knows, maybe he’s right in
front of you, and you just haven’t noticed.
Scully knows that Krycek is right, she looks down at the drink she holds in her hands. She hates dealing with this kind of discussion when it directly involves her.
SCULLY
(back to old discussion)
You ok? I know how much you
love Marita…
KRYCEK
I’ll be fine. Not overreacting will
be my first step towards “growing up”…
whatever that means to Marita. (beat) But
no matter what, I’m not gonna shave my
head, if the old bald look is what she wants.
Scully pats him on the back and leaves the kitchen. Krycek takes a moment in thought, then grabs a few glasses and his drink mixture and brings it into the living room. Marita is going through Doggett’s video collection. Mulder is kneeling at the window, his feet kicking in excitement, watching it snow outside, perhaps looking for Santa...
Skinner and Doggett are on the couch and Scully has sat down in between the two of them. Monica comes happily down the stairs, she went up to see the Santa costume that Doggett will wear later that night. Monica smiles evily at Doggett and sits her bum in his chair with a smirk on her face.
KRYCEK
Ok everybody. I’ve created a new
holiday drink, and it’s Scully-approved.
He hands glasses to everyone and serves them.
DOGGETT
Is it alcoholic?
KRYCEK
(duh)
I’m Russian. What do you think?
DOGGETT
I try not to drink much anymore.
SCULLY
Oh come on, you’re not goin’
anywhere tonight. You can have one glass.
Off Doggett’s look, which is a bit of fear and agreement, we: TIME CUT – 9PM
Christmas music is playing and a bunch of different CDs are set on “shuffle” in Doggett’s CD player. Mulder and Marita are in their pajamas, all ready for bed.
Marita wears white PJs with reindeer prints on it with matching pants. Mulder is in a candy cane striped PJs with matching night cap with a white puff ball on the top of it.
The song “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” starts to play, Monica jumps out of her seat and switches the song to something else. She can’t stand that song… bad , bad, BAD memories…
MARITA
(begs Doggett)
Can we please turn on the news to
see where Santa has been spotted?
MULDER
Pretty, pretty puh-leeeeeeeze with
candy canes on top.
Doggett still can’t believe these two are believers.
DOGGETT
No. The news is over now.
MARITA
Oh my! We have to go to bed so
Santa can come!
She and Mulder run and grab their sleeping bags. They roll them out next to the tree and crawl in. Scully stands up and stretches.
SCULLY
(yawns)
Well I’m gonna go home, my mother
usually calls me early Christmas morning.
Scully goes to get her coat from the closet, Doggett stands up and follows. He stops her under the mistletoe, Scully notices this, but he doesn’t.
DOGGETT
(pained)
Dana? Do I really have to do this Santa thing?
She nods her head “yes”. Then goes up on her toes and kisses him on the cheek. Doggett is confused, that came out of nowhere.
DOGGETT
(a bit embarrassed, his ears turning red)
What was that for…?
SCULLY
(looks up)
Mistletoe. It’s tradition you know…
Scully slips on her coat and heads out the door, Doggett stands in the doorway, watching.
DOGGETT
So what time will you be over
tomorrow to open presents?
SCULLY
Around 8 a.m. Mulder and Marita
can wait a while. (beat) Goodnight.
DOGGETT
(lower)
Night…
He shuts the door with a smile on his face. It quickly fades as he turns around and sees that Skinner is putting out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for “Santa”, as Mulder and Marita giggle near the tree. Doggett runs his hands through his hair and heads upstairs.
TIME CUT – 9:45 PM
INT. DOGGETT’S BEDROOM
Monica is helping Doggett put on the red Santa suit. He bitterly put on the fat suit on his own. His facial expression is a constant snear. Monica is smiling, almost about to die of laughter. She places the Santa hat on top of Doggett’s head, steps back and admires her work.
DOGGETT
I hate you.
MONICA
(further irritating him)
I love you.She smiles at him. Krycek laughs in the background.
MONICA
You’re missing something.
DOGGETT
A gun?
KRYCEK
His beard.Krycek grabs the Santa beard off of a table and hands it to Monica. She puts it on him. His snear has not faded.
MONICA
Johnny, you have to smile. Santa
is always has rosie cheeks and
a jolly smile.
Doggett says nothing.
MONICA
Maybe you need blush to
help with the rosie cheeks.
DOGGETT
I will personally kill
you if you do that.
MONICA
Fine.Skinner enters the room.
SKINNER
Well, they’re finally “sleeping”.He does the quotation marks with his fingers.
KRYCEK
Let’s get this show on the road.Suddenly, they hear a knock at Doggett’s window. They all look over and see Scully. Krycek opens the window and lets her in.
KRYCEK
What are you doing out there?
SCULLY
I couldn’t possibly miss this.Krycek helps her through the window. Her eyes fall on Doggett dressed as Santa. She can’t help but laugh. Doggett sits on his bed, Scully rushes to his side and takes out a makeup brush and rosie blush from her coat pocket and applies it to Doggett's cheeks. Doggett glares at Monica, this is all her fault, somehow.
DOGGETT
I hate this. I hate this stupid holiday.Monica is now running a video camera.
MONICA
Johnny, smile.
He looks up at her. POV – CAMCORDER
Doggett’s glum expression fills the screen.
DOGGETT
(into camera, to Monica)
I hate you.Monica stops recording. She puts the camera down.
MONICA
Cheer up, it’ll be over
before you know it.
Behind her, Scully snaps a picture.
DOGGETT
(to Scully)
Stop that!
MONICA
Take my picture with him.
SCULLY
Then me!Monica sits on Doggett’s lap. She has a big smile. Doggett continues to snear. Scully takes the picture.
Scully hands the camera to Monica. Scully sits on Doggett’s lap and smiles. Doggett continues to be unhappy. Monica takes the picture.
Skinner hands Doggett the Santa bag. Doggett peers inside of it.
DOGGETT
Where’s the coal and sticks?
SCULLY
You don’t even want to do that.
Doggett gives her a questioning look.
KRYCEK
I did that once, and they
cried for four weeks.
Scully sits down next to him.
SCULLY
Cheer up, John. One year I had
to be pushed down a chimney. I
got stuck. So this isn’t that bad.She smiles at him. He continues to snear.
MONICA
I’m gonna go down and see this.
I have to see you do this.She opens the door and leaves.
DOGGETT
Can’t I give her some coal?
Skinner shakes his head ‘no’. Meanwhile… Monica is quietly tip-toeing down the stairs. To her surprise, she sees Mulder and Marita on their knees looking out the living room window. They are looking up to the sky, looking for Santa and his reindeer.
Monica pokes her head between them and looks up to the sky with them.
MONICA
(whispering)
I thought you were sleeping.
MARITA
(too excited)
We’re too excited!
MONICA
But Santa never comes when you’re awake.
Like a rabbit, Mulder darts back into his sleeping bag. Marita follows. Monica takes the couch.
MULDER
Are you sleeping down here too?
MONICA
I wouldn’t miss it for the world.Mulder and Marita smile at her and put their heads down to go to ‘sleep’. Monica smiles an evil smile of amusement.
Back in Doggett’s room…
He’s just about ready to go. He’s got the bag over his shoulder. He’s still snearing.
SKINNER
Ok, show us your “ho, ho, ho”.
Doggett looks at him dead panned.
SCULLY
You have to do it.
DOGGETT
(after a beat/unenthusiastic)
Ho, ho, ho.They all roll their eyes.
KRYCEK
No, man. You must be happy.
Like this: (beat: overly happy) Ho! Ho! Ho!
(beat) Now you try it.
DOGGETT
(unenthusiastic)
Ho, ho, ho.
SKINNER
No, no, no. Deep and happy.
(demonstrates) Ho! Ho! Ho!
SCULLY
Come on John. It’s better to do
it than deal with the consequences
in the morning.
Doggett waits a beat, then…
DOGGETT
(a little too happy)
Ho! Ho! Ho!
KRYCEK
Yeah, like that!
SCULLY
Ok, he’s ready.
SKINNER
Be sure to eat the cookies
and drink the milk.He gives them a snear as he exits the room.
Down stairs…
Doggett stomps down the stairs angrily. He’s not at all happy about this. The door to his bedroom opens. Scully pokes her head out.
SCULLY
(whisper)
John, be happy.
He looks back at her with a snear. Scully sees this and realizes that he’s not ready.
SCULLY
(whisper)
Come here.
He makes his way back up the stairs, stomping. In his room…
SCULLY
Don’t stomp.
DOGGETT
But Santa is fat. His foot
steps aren’t light.
KRYCEK
But they were angry foot steps.
SKINNER
You have to say “Ho, ho, ho”.
SCULLY
And be happy.
DOGGETT
Fine. (beat) But I hate this.
And I hate all of you for
doing this to me.
He opens the door and steps out. Krycek, Skinner, and Scully give each other a look. O.S. they hear Doggett give his overly happy “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as he makes his way down the stairs. Meanwhile…
Doggett has made his way downstairs. We see Mulder and Marita are not sleeping, just pretending, badly at that. They are giddily laughing out of pure excitement.
Doggett sees them, but what pisses him off the most is Monica trying not to laugh at him.
MARITA
Shh…Doggett goes over to the tree and starts to unload the bag. Mulder, Marita and Monica watch quietly.
We notice that on the stairs, Scully, Skinner and Krycek quietly watch.
Doggett finishes with the tree and goes over to the stockings. He fills each one with candy and other little goodies. However, Monica doesn’t get as much as everyone else. An evil grin falls on Doggett’s face as he finds a pad of paper and writes something on it. He puts the note in Monica’s stocking.
He’s about to leave and go back upstairs, walking right by the cookies and milk. Marita’s head pokes up.
MARITA
(scream of panic)
Santa!Doggett stops dead in his tracks. He slowly turns around.
MARITA
(calm)
You forgot your milk and cookies.
DOGGETT
(disguising his voice)
Oh… thank you…
He goes over to the cookies and eats one and takes a sip of milk. Marita keeps watching and smiling. Mulder’s hand pushes her head back down. Doggett finishes and goes back up stairs. TIME CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT’S LIVINGROOM – 5:30AM
Marita and Mulder are busy gawking at the presents. Mulder attempts to shake one, but Marita slaps his hand. We notice that Skinner and Krycek are sleeping on the floor. Mulder and Marita are trying to be quiet so the others can sleep, but they aren’t pulling it off. We notice Monica lying awake on the couch. She looks pissed.
MULDER
(whisper)
Marita, we have to be quiet.
Monica is sleeping.
MARITA
(not whispering/stubborn/rather loud)
But I’m so excited.Out of frustration, Monica stands up. Marita and Mulder look overly happy to see her awake.
MARITA
(annoyingly happy)
You’re awake!Monica makes her way to the kitchen.
MONICA
(not happy, o.s.)
That’s because I haven’t been
able to sleep since 4:30 this morning.She puts a lot of ice in a glass and fills it with water. She leaves the kitchen.
MULDER
What are you doing?
MONICA
Waking the others.
As she makes her way to the stairs, she passes Skinner and Krycek sleeping peacefully on the ground. She kicks Skinner on the side, waking him up. And then she steps on Krycek’s stomach to hastily wake him.
KRYCEK
(tired)
What the hell?!
MONICA
(pissed)
Get up.
She walks up the stairs. She quietly opens the door to Doggett’s room. She enters. Doggett is sleeping peacefully. It looks like the best sleep he’s had in years. He’s bundled up in his warm blankets. It seems as if he won’t be waking up from the comfortable peaceful sleep any time soon.
Monica stands over him. The glass of ice water in her hand. She tosses the ice water on him. He wakes up with a start. Not sure of what happened.
DOGGETT
What the hell…
MONICA
(pissed)
Get up.
DOGGETT
What time is it?
MONICA
Five-thirty in the morning. (beat) I’ve
been up for an hour. Now get up.
Doggett sits up. His body getting out of shock from the cold water.
DOGGETT
Why the ice water?
MONICA
(fake happy)
Would you have preferred it if
I’d step on you, or kick you?She turns and leaves. Doggett slowly gets up.
TIME CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT’S LIVINGROOM – 6AM
Scully has joined everyone. She looks sleepy too. She wasn’t expecting to be there for two hours.
MULDER
Can we open presents now?Scully lets out a sigh.
SCULLY
Well, I didn’t come here this
early to sit around and do nothing.
In the background we see Monica looking at the contents of her stocking. She pulls out the note Doggett wrote the night before. INSERT – NOTE
“Monica Isabella,
I’m sorry for the lack of Christmas candy cheer this year, but my elves have been keeping an eye on you and have informed me that you seem to have been gaining weight. Consider this another gift from Santa.Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa Claus”Monica’s eyes go wide with anger.
MONICA
(pissed at Doggett)
BASTARD!Monica looks to Doggett, who is beaming with pride at his little joke.
MONICA
(to Doggett)
You bastard!Marita looks concerned. She goes and sits next to Monica and puts her arm over her shoulder.
MARITA
Monica, don’t be mad at John for
sleeping well. Look, Santa put
goodies in your stocking.
Marita leans over and kisses Monica on the check. Then crawls back over to the tree. Marita pulls out a bunch of boxes that are all the same size.
MARITA
Everyone, since Christmas shopping slipped
my mind this year, I need you all to open
my gifts at the same time since you all
got the same thing.
She hands out the lean boxed presents. Mulder shakes his.
MULDER
What could it be?
They all open at the same time. Mulder gets way too excited.
MULDER
(excited)
Oooh… It’s Malibu Bubble Barbie!
Yes! Completes the set!
MARITA
(hugs Mulder)
Oh Fox! I knew you’d love it.In the background we hear “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”. Scully starts chuckling. Monica looks at her.
MONICA
What? Do you collect these too?
SCULLY
No, no. You know this song.
MONICA
Yeah.
SCULLY
Well a long long time ago, New Kids
On The Block recorded their version of this song.
MONICA
So? Who hasn’t.
SCULLY
Now, every time I hear it, I think of some
male singer singing it in front of a fire naked
and the reason he sings with a high pitch is
because his chestnuts are roasting
on an open fire… if you know what I mean…Monica is disgusted.
MONICA
Thanks for visually ruining one
of my favorite Christmas songs.Doggett comes over and sits between them.
DOGGETT
What are we talkin’ about?
MONICA
You don’t want to know.
Monica goes and gets a gift and hands it to Doggett.
DOGGETT
(looks at wrapping)
Looks like music CDs.He opens it. It’s a box of Romantic Music. Fives CDs in all.
MONICA
Just incase anything happens in the New Year.
She winks at him, and looks from him to Scully, with wide eyes filled with excitement for her best friend.
MONICA
Which brings me to… Dana. Here’s yours.
Scully opens up a wrapped shoe box and pulls out a CD of recorded ocean waves, scented candles and scented massage oil.
SCULLY
Oh… ok. At least it’s not whale songs…
MONICA
Those are just in case anything
happens in the New Year.
She winks at Scully. Scully looks at Doggett questioningly.
SCULLY
Is she going to say the same thing to everyone?
MONICA
(over hearing, happy)
Nope, just you guys.
Skinner goes up to Marita. She is sitting in Doggett’s chair. He takes something out of his pants pocket. He gets down on one knee in front of her.
SKINNER
Marita?
She looks up and he holds out a ring box and opens it, revealing a diamond engagement ring. Marita doesn’t even react. Everyone’s attention is wide eyed on them, save for Krycek, who is choosing to pretend this is not happening.
SKINNER
Marita, will you marry me?Monica quickly jumps on Krycek’s lap to keep him from killing Skinner. Krycek grins at Monica.
Marita takes Skinner’s hand in hers and looks him deep in the eyes.
MARITA
(in all honesty)
I can’t Walter.Skinner doesn’t know what to say. He looks around the room. Everyone’s mouths are dropped in shock.
Out of nowhere…
KRYCEK
(to Monica)
Are you gonna give me a
lap dance for Christmas?Monica gives him a disgusted look and gets off his lap.
KRYCEK
(sleazy)
Take if off, baby!Now everyone’s attention is on Krycek, save for Skinner and Marita. Doggett, not wanting to be nosey, goes into his kitchen.
SKINNER
What do you mean you can’t?
Everyone turns their attention back to Skinner and Marita.
MARITA
I just can’t.
SKINNER
Why?
MARITA
I’m betrothed.
No one knew this about her! They all look at her in shock.
SCULLY
You’re what?!
MARITA
My father had it arranged since
I was born. Probably before, because
Westly is older than me.
MONICA
Westly?Marita shakes her head ‘yes’.
MARITA
Look, it’s something I’d really
not like to talk about right now.
With that, she hands Scully a present from Krycek. She sits back to watch her open it. It’s a “Cooking For Dummies Book”. Scully smiles at her. Mulder is sitting very impatiently, biting his finger nails.
SCULLY
Thank you, Alex.
KRYCEK
You can be good if you follow
instructions for dumb people.
Mulder bursts.
MULDER
I can’t take not knowing any longer!He dives under the Christmas tree in search of his presents. Doggett comes back out to the livingroom.
MULDER
Oh my God! Doggett! Thanks for
the snazzy Santa tie!Doggett turns to Skinner who is sitting alone, smothered with rejection.
DOGGETT
Why is everyone just ripping the presents open?
SKINNER
(not listening)
Betrothed…?Ok, he’s a hopeless case. Scully hands him a present just as he sits on the couch.
SCULLY
From me.
She smiles at him. She sits next to him as he opens it.
DOGGETT
(not sure what to think)
“Lion King” coloring book and a box of crayons?
SCULLY
You seem like the kind of guy who
would secretly watch the movie…
MONICA
(outburst/O.S.)
Alex Krycek! I can’t believe you
gave me lingerie! (beat) Wait,
I can believe it.
O.S. we hear Krycek’s dirty laugh.
MONICA
(O.S.)
Robert will love it. Thank you.
Doggett hands Scully a present that had flopped it’s way over to the couch during Mulder’s present opening rampage… he hands it to her.
DOGGETT
It’s just a little something I
thought you’d find useful.
Scully opens it, it’s a nice (expensive) cookbook. Scully opens it and sees he wrote something on the inside cover.
SCULLY
(reading)
“Dana, there’s no denying this will probably
collect dust on your kitchen counter. But if
you ever find the courage to try a recipe call
me and I’ll come help you out. Merry Christmas
2002. John” (beat) That’s so sweet of you, thank you.
She gives him a hug.
DOGGETT
And I’m not kidding out helpin’ you out.
I may not look like it, but I’ve been told
I’m an excellent cook.
Monica plops down on the other side of Doggett. She pouts and holds up a self help book titled “Getting Over Obsessive Love”.
MONICA
Do you hate me or something?
I mean, “fat girl” notes and then this?Off Doggett’s guilty look…
TIME CUT TO:
3PMEveryone is sprawled out on the living room floor.
MONICA
(dead panned)
No.
They are all wearing new sweaters with reindeer and Frosty The Snowman graphics, and glittering snowflakes on them. Presents from Mulder.
MULDER
(nasal)
Oh gawd.
MONICA
How can you talk after eating
up all the candy and cookies?Everyone around them moans. Marita perks up.
MARITA
Anyone want to go sledding?
She stands.
MARITA
Or build a snowman? Or have a
snowball fight? Or go caroling?They all moan. They’ve eaten too much.
MARITA
What? Christmas comes but once a year.Monica throws some wrinkled wrapping paper at her.
MARITA
Come on… what’s Christmas without all that?
They wait a beat and then slowly, but surely, get up and join her in bundling up for outdoor fun activities. FADE OUT:
THE END.
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