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Title: "Fox & Alex's Evening of Fun"
Written by: Kristi
Date: May 17-18, 2003, July 23-24, 2003
Air Date: September 15, 2003
Rating: PG-13 (lanuage and stupidity)
Series: FRVS - Episode #102
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: We love it. Please e-mail us at frvs.feedback@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: This took me one sitting to write. I write all of my fan fic by hand before typing it, therefore the nickname for this episode is called "My/The 56-er" because it was 56 pages hand written. I have more control that way. This flew by with hardly a stump and I must say, I'm very happy with this episode. Mulder and Krycek are the most fun, in a dumb way. This tale of the pizza boy actually happened to Cassie and I, only we didn't do what Mulder and Krycek do in this story. I hope you enjoy this episode! I love feedback, so please send it! Thanks!
Summary: A pizza boy takes Krycek's 20 dollar bill and Mulder and Krycek decided to take action…
FADE IN:
INT. MULDER & KRYCEK'S HALLWAY - 6:10 P.M.
Close angle on the apartment number 42. A hand comes into frame and knocks three times.
A beat later giggles can be heard from Mulder and Krycek inside the apartment.
MULDER
(rather devious)
Who is it…?
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Pizza delivery.
Inside we hear Mulder and Krycek say "all right!" and give each other high fives. The door opens.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
One large pizza: extra cheese, pepperoni, sausage,
anchovies, onion, mushroom, pineapple, chicken…
candy sprinkles and… red hots. (beat) Your total is $5.
KRYCEK
(overly excited)
Yes!He hands the Pizza Delivery Guy a twenty dollar bill and then shuts the door on him. The Pizza Delivery Guy looks at the twenty dollars, shrugs his shoulders. Nice tip.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Thank you for ordering from Go-Go Pizza.He walks away.
TIME CUT TO:
A SHORT TIME LATER: 6:20 P.M.
INT. MULDER & KRYCEK'S APARTMENT
The boys are sitting on the couch, munching away on their pizza. They both have their eyes glued to the TV, they suddenly laugh the same dumb laugh at the same dumb time.
MULDER
I love this show.
He takes another slice of pizza.
KRYCEK
I know. "Syndicate X" is the greatest!
He devours more pizza.
MULDER
I'm shocked that the pizza place
actually put candy sprinkles and
red hots on our pizza.
KRYCEK
I didn't think they would do it!Mulder looks at Krycek.
MULDER
Say… what do you say we go out
and get all the Mt. Dew we can find?
It'll be a good top-off to our candy pizza!
KRYCEK
Sounds swell! (beat) I've got that twenty
dollar bill I found on the ground today
at the park.
He gets out his wallet. He searches inside for the twenty dollar bill. Mulder laughs at the TV again.
KRYCEK
(getting mad)
Hey…Mulder looks over at him.
KRYCEK
(more angry)
What the hell!…He starts to take out all the content of his wallet: credit card (the endless one), driver's license, library card…
Mulder picks up the library card.
MULDER
Why do you have a library card?Krycek quickly snatches the library card away from Mulder.
KRYCEK
No I don't.
MULDER
When do you read books?
KRYCEK
(defensive)
I don't!
He starts to become frantic, looking for his twenty bucks.
MULDER
(picking on him/pushing buttons)
I think you do.
Krycek is getting angry and it's not because he randomly goes to the library to read books and that Mulder found out about it.
KRYCEK
(pissed)
Dammit!
MULDER
Ooh… defensive. That means you
do go to the library and read books.
Krycek slams his wallet down on the coffee table.
KRYCEK
I don't have my twenty dollars anymore!
All I have is this frickin' five dollar bill we
gave to the pizza boy!There is a beat before anyone speaks.
MULDER
Wait… if we gave that five dollar
bill to the pizza delivery boy… and
you still have it… then, wouldn't that mean…
KRYCEK
…that little punk ripped me off!
(beat) He took my twenty bucks!
He stands up quicker than a Jack-In-The-Box.
KRYCEK
We gotta go get that punk!
Mulder stands up, joining him.
MULDER
(cheering him on/pumping fist in the air)
Yeah!
KRYCEK
We gotta make a statement to all
those pizza delivery boys that they
can't rip us off anymore!
MULDER
Yeah!
KRYCEK
We gotta… uh… get going!
MULDER
Yeah!They head to the door.
MULDER
Hold on a sec… where did we
order the pizza from?
KRYCEK
I don't know. Look at the box.
MULDER
We threw it away.
KRYCEK
We did?
MULDER
(not sure)
I think so.
KRYCEK
Then we'll look through the dumpster.
MULDER
Yeah, how many people would've
ordered pizza tonight besides us?
KRYCEK
Yeah, shouldn't be hard
to find our pizza box.
Mulder nods his head.
MULDER
Yeah. And our's will smell like candy.
KRYCEK
Yeah.They leave the apartment.
CUT TO:
EXT. MULDER & KRYCEK'S APARTMENT BUILDING
They boys exit the building and walk over to the dumpster and stop in front of it.
KRYCEK
Hop on in, Mulder.
MULDER
I'm not goin' in a frickin' dumpster.
KRYCEK
Yes you are.
MULDER
No I'm not.
KRYCEK
Get in.
MULDER
No!
KRYCEK
Yes!
Krycek pushes Mulder towards the dumpster.
MULDER
It's your money!
KRYCEK
So! Get in!
MULDER
NO!
Mulder pushes Krycek towards the dumpster. Krycek forces Mulder towards the dumpster.
KRYCEK
Just look inside and find a pizza box! That's all!
MULDER
Fine!
Mulder climbs on the dumpster and peers over the edge.
MULDER
Krycek…We don't see Krycek, but we hear him. Mulder is still looking in the dumpster.
KRYCEK (O.S.)
How you doin'?Mulder turns to see Krycek. He's hitting on two woman joggers. Mulder gets down from the dumpster and goes up to Krycek.
Mulder puts his hands on Krycek's shoulders and stands really close to him. Mulder smiles at the ladies.
MULDER
(acting gay)
Alex honey, why don't you introduce
me to your new friends.
He kisses Krycek on the cheek. The two women give Krycek a look and walk off. Krycek spazzes and pushes Mulder away from him.
KRYCEK
(pissed)
What the hell! Get away from
me! You're cramping my style.Mulder rolls his eyes.
MULDER
(normal again)
The dumpster is full of pizza boxes
from every deliver place. (beat)
We're both going to have to go in.
KRYCEK
No.
Mulder shrugs.
MULDER
Ok. Then that pizza boy will keep
your money and not learn a lesson…Mulder starts to walk back to the building.
KRYCEK
Wait…Mulder turns around and smiles at him.
CUT TO:
EXT. DUMPSTER - MOMENTS LATER - 6:45 P.M.
Krycek and Mulder are both in the dumpster, surrounded by garbage and a ton of pizza boxes.
Mulder picks up a can of soda, sniffs it and takes a drink. Krycek happens to look over and see this.
KRYCEK
(dead pan)
That's disgusting.
Mulder quickly throws the can elsewhere.
MULDER
I didn't do anything.
Krycek just gives him a look.
KRYCEK
This looks like our box, right?
He holds up a random pizza box.
MULDER
They all look like our box.
(beat) Yeah, I think it is!
KRYCEK
Yeah, we ordered from Wham! Pizza.
MULDER
Yeah.
KRYCEK
Yeah.These idiots are actually convincing themselves. They don't remember where they ordered pizza from… and they probably never will… but it makes for a fun adventure…
MULDER
Let's go.
Mulder stands up and crawls out of the dumpster, Krycek follows. We notice, but Mulder does not, that he's got a doughnut stuck on his bum. Krycek stops when he sees this. Mulder turns to face him.
MULDER
What is it?
Krycek is about to laugh.
KRYCEK
You've got-
Krycek stops himself from telling Mulder about the doughnut. He smiles at him.
KRYCEK
(innocently devious/amused)
Never mind.
MULDER
Okie-dokie.
Mulder starts to walk again. Krycek follows. They head over to Krycek's car. Mulder goes over to the drivers side.
KRYCEK
I thought we were taking your car.
MULDER
Nope.
He gets in and Krycek sits in the passenger side. Krycek glares at Mulder. How dare he sit in his seat with a frickin' jelly doughnut on his butt! Mulder looks over at Krycek, and despite Krycek's glare, Mulder gives him a smile and buckles up his seat belt.
MULDER
(happy)
Buckle up!Mulder starts to squirm in his seat. Krycek's glare intensifies and continues to burn on Mulder. Mulder looks over smiling at Krycek. The squishing of the jelly can be heard.
MULDER
(as if he knows about the doughnut)
I just can't seem to get my butt in right.Krycek angrily buckles his seat belt, still glaring at Mulder.
KRYCEK
(pissed)
Drive.
Mulder starts the car. He's smiling happily… knowing he's pissed Krycek off about the jelly doughnut that is on his butt, and now on Krycek's driver's seat… where he'll have to sit tomorrow to go into work… CUT TO:
INT. KRYCEK'S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER
The boys are driving and singing along to Madonna's "Holiday" from her first album "Madonna".
MULDER
(singing)
If we took a holiday-
KRYCEK
(singing)
Oh yeah… oh yeah…
MULDER
(singing)
Took some time to celebrate…
KRYCEK
(singing)
Oh yeah… let's celebrate…
MULDER
(singing)
Just one day out of life…
KRYCEK
(singing)
Come on let's celebrate…
MULDER
(not singing)
-Krycek? Why do you have Madonna
in your car? I didn't know you listened
to chick music.
Krycek turns down the music and stops singing.
KRYCEK
Because she did that music video "Erotica".
MULDER
Oh, I see how that would
grab your attention.
KRYCEK
She's hot.
MULDER
Yeah. You know, she's not
naturally a blonde. She's a brunette.
KRYCEK
She's hot as a blonde though.
MULDER
And a brunette. (beat) Hey, we
could both have her!
KRYCEK
Why would she want you when
my sexy body is standing next
to your flabby ass?!
Mulder looks over at him.
MULDER
She'd want me.
KRYCEK
No she wouldn't.
MULDER
Yes, she would.
KRYCEK
No way in hell. I'm a sexy beast!
MULDER
Whatever. (beat) I've got a certain charm about me.
KRYCEK
Whatever.
Suddenly, a car comes out of no where and cuts them off. Mulder slams on the breaks to prevent a crash.
KRYCEK
What an asshole!
MULDER
He didn't even use a blinker!
KRYCEK
Pass this ass-wipe!Mulder goes into the other lane without using his blinker, and makes his way to pass the car. Krycek rolls down his window.
Mulder gets even with the other car. Krycek sticks his arm out the window and gives the other driver the finger.
KRYCEK
Asshole! Watch your driving!Krycek spits a rather large loogie onto the other car. Mulder quickly speeds off, cutting in front of the other car, not using his blinker.
The other car's driver rolls down his window, and Alvin Kersh sticks his head out the window, watching Mulder and Krycek speed off.
KERSH
Crazy drunk drivers!CUT TO:
INT. KRYCEK'S CAR
Mulder and Krycek are laughing hysterically.
MULDER
Dude! That was so cool!
KRYCEK
I know!
MULDER
You rock!
KRYCEK
I know! I'm da man!
Suddenly, Mulder takes a sharp right and turns off the road.
KRYCEK
Whoa! What are you doing?!
MULDER
(intense on driving)
I'm in pursuit!
KRYCEK
(confused)
What?!
MULDER
(not taking eyes off road)
Pizza delivery vehicle: twelve o'clock.
Mulder is very focused on what he's doing. His face is right up next to the steering wheel as he concentrates on getting this punk. Krycek looks at the car ahead of them.
KRYCEK
Get him! I want my twenty bucks back!
MULDER
What do you think I'm doin'?! (beat)
I'll run him off the road…Mulder gets a devious look on his face as he creeps up on the car. His tongue is out of his mouth as he intensifies on getting this guy.
KRYCEK
Not in my car you won't! (beat)
We'll get him when he makes his delivery!
MULDER
Oh, ok.
Mulder slows down a bit. Unfortunately for the Wham! Pizza deliver buy, he pulls over to make his delivery. Unbeknownst to him, but beknownst to us, Mulder and Krycek creep up in their car… with the lights off. They get out of the car quietly.
The delivery boy starts to walk up to the house to make his delivery. When suddenly, he is knocked to the ground by Krycek!
KRYCEK
Gimme back my twenty bucks you punk!
DELIVERY KID
It's my first day! I've never seen
you before in my life!
Krycek gets off this poor kid, realizing that he isn't who he's looking for.
KRYCEK
Oh… sorry. I thought you were someone else.
Krycek quickly picks up the pizza box and runs back to the car, where Mulder waits.
DELIVERY KID
Hey!
KRYCEK
Drive Mulder! Drive!Krycek quickly gets in the car, and Mulder speeds off, leaving the Delivery Kid in their dust.
DELIVERY KID
That's gonna come out of
my pocket! Get back here!CUT TO:
INT. KRYCEK'S CAR - 7:30 P.M.
Krycek opens the pizza box. The yummy smell of a pepperoni pizza fills the air.
MULDER
(sniffing the air)
Somethin' smells go-ooo-ood.
Where'd you get that?
KRYCEK
That delivery kid gave it to me.
MULDER
Cool.
Krycek bites into the pizza slice. A thoughtful look comes across his face.
KRYCEK
Mulder… try this and tell me if it
taste like the same pizza we ordered.
He hands Mulder a slice. Mulder opens his mouth, and Krycek places the slice in front of him. Mulder takes a large bite out of it.
MULDER
(chewing)
Well… it doesn't have candy
sprinkles and red hots…
KRYCEK
Yeah, but other than that.
MULDER
Hmm… not really…
KRYCEK
I don't think we ordered from
Wham! Pizza like we thought.
MULDER
(correcting him)
You thought.
KRYCEK
You thought it too.
MULDER
I most certainly did not.
KRYCEK
Yes you did.
MULDER
No I didn't.
KRYCEK
Yes you did!
MULDER
No.
KRYCEK
Yes!
MULDER
No!
KRYCEK
You did too!
MULDER
Did not!
KRYCEK
Did too!
MULDER
Not!
KRYCEK
Too!
MULDER
Not!
KRYCEK
Yes, you did!
MULDER
Hey… is this John's neighborhood?
KRYCEK
Don't change the frickin' subject!
Krycek looks out his window.
KRYCEK
Yes, it is John's neighborhood.
MULDER
Maybe we should ask him if he
knows where we ordered pizza from.
KRYCEK
Ok.
Mulder pulls up in Doggett's driveway. We see Doggett's silhouette in the window. He's looking out to see who has pulled up in his driveway. Mulder and Krycek step out of the car. The lights in Doggett's house suddenly go off.
Mulder and Krycek make their way to the door. They both knock on it at the same time.
No answer. All is silent.
MULDER
John, we know you're home.
KRYCEK
Yeah, we saw your lights on.
MULDER
We just have a question to ask you.
Krycek knocks on the door.
KRYCEK
Open up, or we'll use the key
under your doormat to come in.
Mulder bends down, lifts the mat and picks up Doggett's spare house key. He holds it up to show Krycek how proud he is that he has the key. The door opens. Doggett looks a little irritated with them.
DOGGETT
(beyond irritation)
What?
MULDER
Do you know where we
ordered pizza from tonight?
Doggett looks at them with the "What, are you kidding me?" look of disbelief. He looks at them as if they are frickin' idiots… which they are. Doggett grabs his spare house key out of Mulder's hand and shuts the door.
MULDER
Do you wanna go to the park?
KRYCEK
Sure.They head back to the car.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - 8:03 P.M.
Krycek's car pulls up and Mulder and Krycek get out.
MULDER
So you really think the ducks
will like the pizza?
KRYCEK
If I were a duck, I would.
MULDER
Me too.They go over to the lake and sit on a bench. Mulder opens the pizza box and rips off some pizza.
MULDER
Here ducky, ducky, ducky…
Mulder starts to walk over to the edge of the lake, squatting as he walks. A few ducks come over to him. Quacking away.
MULDER
Oh hey ducky. Quack. Quack. Quack.
KRYCEK
You are a quack.
Mulder hands out all of the pizza to the few ducks that came to him.
MULDER
(to ducks)
I'm sorry buddies… that's all I have.
Suddenly, two ducks start to attack Mulder.
MULDER
Ah! Help!
Krycek watches this, laughing hysterically at Mulder. His laughter stops when two more ducks pounce on him!
KRYCEK
Ah! Get away!Mulder and Krycek start to flail about to get rid of the ducks. They run for their lives!
Once they are safe from the ducks, they walk at a normal pace.
KRYCEK
No one finds out about that. I don't
need people to know I was just taken
out by a bunch of waddeling ducks.
MULDER
You should do a horror movie,
much like "Robot 2000", about killer ducks.
KRYCEK
Like Hitchcock's "The Birds"?
MULDER
Yeah, only it would be called "Ducks".
KRYCEK
Sounds like a cool idea.
MULDER
Yeah, and I can do a stunt.
(beat) Like my stunt on the
Eiffel Tower.
KRYCEK
That was a mistake.
MULDER
No. It was my stunt.
KRYCEK
It was a mistake.
MULDER
Stunt.
KRYCEK
Mistake!
MULDER
Stunt!
KRYCEK
Mistake!
MULDER
STUNT!
KRYCEK
What's that moaning noise?
Mulder and Krycek listen carefully.
KRYCEK
Do you think it's porn?
MULDER
Porn is filmed you idiot.
KRYCEK
It's coming from over there.Krycek makes his way to a bush. He looks over and sees two people making out. Mulder looks over as well.
MULDER
Look, live porn!Mulder points to the people.
KRYCEK
(mad)
That's Marita with Robert Alfredo.
MULDER
Why is she with him?
KRYCEK
I'm gonna kill him.
Krycek starts to make his way over to Marita and Alfredo. Mulder stops him, and with his super "Super Buddy" strength, he drags Krycek away from them.
MULDER
You can't kill him.
KRYCEK
Why not? He's not in Super Buddies.
MUDLER
Someday!
KRYCEK
(looking over at Marita/longing)
Somewhere…
A tear comes to Krycek's eye as he looks over at his love, Marita Lynn.
KRYCEK
(singing song from "West Side Story")
There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Mulder looks confused as Krycek continues to sing.
KRYCEK
Peace and quiet and open air…He wipes a tear. It seems as if he won't be able to go on. Mulder looks at him with sympathy.
MULDER
(singing too now)
There's a time for us,
Someday a time for us,Krycek looks at him with tears in his eyes.
MULDER
(singing)
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Someday!
KRYCEK
(singing)
Somewhere
We'll find a new way of living.Krycek takes Mulder into his arms.
KRYCEK & MULDER
(singing)
There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there.
Somehow,
Someday,
Somewhere!We hold on them for a beat as they look up to the stars, holding each other in their arms with tears in their eyes…
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. KRYCEK'S CAR - 8:47 P.M.
The car has never been this quiet. Mulder drives, and Krycek looks straight ahead, a cold expression on his face.
MULDER
Alex-
KRYCEK
-Shut up. (beat) If anyone finds out
that I cried and held you in my arms
as I sang a song from "West Side Story",
I'm gonna frickin' kill you.Silence.
MULDER
(timid)
I was just going to say that we
are in Brad's neighborhood, and
maybe he would know where
we ordered pizza from…
Krycek, for the first time since the singing incident, looks over at Mulder.
KRYCEK
Ok. (beat) But if you mention the
ducks or the singing, you're a dead man.
MULDER
I know. Don't worry, I won't.
They pull up in front of Brad's apartment building.
KRYCEK
Why does he get a door man?
MULDER
It must really be a nice apartment.
KRYCEK
There's no way they'll let us in.
MULDER
Why do you say that?
KRYCEK
Because I wouldn't let us in.
MULDER
Good point. Let's crawl up the fire escape.
KRYCEK
We don't even know where he lives,
or what floor he's on, or what number,
or does he live in a letter?
MULDER
Let's go find out. Don't they usually
have the names of the residents
on a call button?
KRYCEK
Yeah, but the door guy is there.
MULDER
I have a plan… you distract him
and I'll run up and find out.
Krycek thinks Mulder's plan over.
KRYCEK
Ok. Let's go.Mulder and Krycek make their way to the Door Man. Mulder acts like he's going to walk right by him on the sidewalk. The Door Man is already suspicious of them. Suddenly, Krycek flips out like a frickin' loon. He causes a big commotion as he falls to the ground as if he's having a seizure. The Door Man goes to Krycek.
DOOR MAN
Sir, are you ok?
Mulder quickly runs behind the Door Man and finds out where Brad is. Krycek continues to have a "seizure". Krycek looks at Mulder, who is giving him two thumbs up. Krycek suddenly pokes at the Door Man's eyes, causing him to scream.
Mulder and Krycek quickly run to a side street and find the fire escape.
KRYCEK
Where is he?
MULDER
Fifth floor, apartment D.
KRYCEK
That's so high.
MULDER
I know. Five flights high.
Good acting by the way.
KRYCEK
Thank you.
MULDER
I like the whole spazzing thing you did.
KRYCEK
Yeah, I learned it from you.
MULDER
Me?
KRYCEK
Yeah.
MULDER
I don't spazz.
KRYCEK
Yes you do.
MULDER
No I don't.
KRYCEK
Yeah ya do.
MULDER
When?
KRYCEK
When something bad is happening
and you don't know what's going on.
MULDER
Huh?
KRYCEK
Oh, ya know…
Krycek starts to make his way up the fire escape.
MULDER
No, I don't know.
KRYCEK
Yeah you do.
MULDER
No.
KRYCEK
Yeah.
MULDER
No.
KRYCEK
When ever someone says Super
Buddies sucks, you spazz.
MULDER
Super Buddies does not suck.
KRYCEK
Oh yes it does.
MULDER
(getting upset)
No it doesn't!
KRYCEK
Yes it does!
MULDER
No it doesn't!Mulder is so upset that Krycek says that Super Buddies sucks that he's starting to cry… and it's a good thing he's still on the ground because he starts to wave his hands in front of his face uncontrollable… ya know, spazzing.
Krycek looks down at him.
KRYCEK
Mulder, I'm kidding.
MULDER
Really?
He wipes a tear off his cheek.
KRYCEK
Yeah you frickin' dumb ass, I was
just proving to you that you spazz
whenever someone insults Super Buddies.
MULDER
You didn't have to be so mean about it.
KRYCEK
Yes I did.
MULDER
No you didn't.
KRYCEK
Yes I did.
MULDER
No.
KRYCEK
Did you know if you replaced
the "M" in your name with an "N"
and took out the "L" and "R", you get "nude"?
Mulder has started to climb the fire escape.
MULDER
Really?
KRYCEK
Yeah…
MULDER
I didn't know you thought of
me in the nude before, Alex.
KRYCEK
Shut up Mulder.
SMALL TIME CUT TO: EXT. BRAD FOLLMER'S APARTMENT - FIRE ESCAPE - 9:18 P.M.
It has taken Mulder and Krycek almost a half an hour to reach a window looking in on Brad's apartment… too much jelly doughnuts for the boys perhaps.
KRYCEK
That's him, right?
MULDER
(lookin' at Krycek like's he's a dumb ass)
You don't remember what he looks like?
KRYCEK
Unlike you, I pay close attention to women.
MULDER
You're dumb.
They continue to look inside.
KRYCEK
Ooh… there's Monica. (beat)
Do you think they'll have sex?
Krycek pulls a little digital camera out of his coat pocket.
MULDER
And if they do, what are you
going to do with that?
Mulder points to the digital camera.
KRYCEK
Duh… film it.
MULDER
Why?
KRYCEK
So I can watch it later if I want.
MULDER
You're sick.
KRYCEK
I am not.
MULDER
You are too.
KRYCEK
Am not.
MULDER
Are too!
KRYCEK
D2!Mulder is thrown off by this. Krycek caught him off guard.
MULDER
R2-D2?Krycek is setting up his digital camera, just in case.
MULDER
From "Star Wars"?
KRYCEK
Yeah. (beat) I was watching
that movie the other day.
MULDER
So.
KRYCEK
R2-D2 is a drunk, perverted droid.Mulder looks puzzled. Krycek continues with his digital camera. It's not working for him this evening. He's getting very very very frustrated with it.
MULDER
How do you figure?
KRYCEK
(to camera)
God damn piece of shit!He throws his camera down into the ally below. A cat scream can be heard and a garbage can is knocked over.
Mulder and Krycek don't even look down to see what's going on.
KRYCEK
Think about it Mulder.
Mulder does. He doesn't see where he's coming from.
KRYCEK
Ok… think about how excited R2-D2 gets
when he plugs in and screws around
into those walls and into computer systems.
In "The Empire Strikes Back", R2-D2 got so excited
that he went up in smoke. (beat) Smoke.Mulder listens.
KRYCEK
And in "Star Wars", he got that
hologram of Princess Lea. He
had a thing for her, I'm tellin'
ya. When she's in that bikini thing
with Jabba the Hut, he's there serving
drinks. It's like a strip show to this little
droid. Ya know what I mean?
MULDER
How do you know R2-D2 is a he?
KRYCEK
He is, trust me.
Mulder shrugs his shoulders. Why not.
KRYCEK
I'm sure there's more on how he's
perverted, I'd have to re-watch the
movies again sometime. But I mean
come one… this droid gets off on walls.
MULDER
But if he can get into computer
systems, then wouldn't that
be like cyber-sex?
KRYCEK
See, you know what I mean. R2-D2
is the founder of cyber-sex!
Mulder looks pensive. He never saw R2-D2 as a perverted droid before…
MULDER
You must really idolize R2-D2…
KRYCEK
Ok… R2-D2 is drunk all the time. Look
at how he can never roll in a straight
line. He rams into walls. (beat) I know
I've been so drunk that I've done those
things. Never mind the horrible mouth he has.
MULDER
R2-D2 didn't have a mouth.
KRYCEK
I mean his language. He's always
getting "beeped" out. Ya know,
edited for network television…
MULDER
Geez, I just thought he was
a cute little droid…
Mulder thinks some more.
MULDER
Hey, have you ever wished C3PO's name was ICUP?
KRYCEK
Why?
MULDER
Because in the first movie when Han,
Luke, Lea, and Chewy are stuck in the
garbage, Luke yells "C3PO! Where could
he be?!" (beat) But wouldn't it have been
funnier if Luke actually had something that
was an intercom to the whole Death Star and
he yelled "I-C-U-P! I-C-U-P!", and there was
a Storm Trooper pissing and looking up at
the ceiling all embarrassed.Krycek laughs.
KRYCEK
Shit! That wouldn't been great!
MULDER
Hey! Maybe you could do
a movie called "Droid Wars".
And you could put that in there!
KRYCEK
Yeah, and you could be the Storm Trooper!
MULDER
Only I'd be a Rain Trooper!
KRYCEK
Yeah!
They both bob their heads in excitement.
MULDER
I forgot: why are we sitting up here?
KRYCEK
I don't remember.
They sit there pondering why they are up there. They start to hear Brad and Monica inside. Being the nosey boys that they are, they listen in.
MONICA
(muffled)
They can't be serious.
BRAD
(muffled)
You don't know my parents.
They're not like normal people.
MONICA
(muffled)
I guess it's hard for me to imagine
that someone could cut their only
son out of their lives.
BRAD
(muffled)
I've tried.
MONICA
(muffled)
I would never cut my
son out of my life.
Mulder looks over at Krycek.
MULDER
(eyes wide)
Did she say her son?Krycek looks over at him.
KRYCEK
I think so.
MULDER
Do you think she could be…
KRYCEK
…knocked up?Mulder nods his head slowly and over dramatically.
KRYCEK
I bet she is.
MULDER
That means I'll be Uncle Foxy!He looks into the apartment excited.
KRYCEK
(freaked)
What if it's mine?
MULDER
How could that be?
KRYCEK
In London… Mon' and I… we uh… had sex.
Mulder snaps a look at him.
MULDER
Holy jeepers! Buttered popcorn,
Ratboy! You did not!
KRYCEK
We did.
Mulder hits Krycek.
MULDER
How dare you two do that!
She's with Brad you dumb ass!He continues to hit him.
KRYCEK
Stop it!
MULDER
You're bad!
KRYCEK
Stop it! Punk!
MULDER
Don't call me punk!
They continue to have their immature hitting fight, when they are interrupted by:
BRAD
(not too happy with them)
What the hell are you two doing?
Mulder and Krycek stop their fight upon hearing Brad's voice. They look over at him.
MULDER
Hey, we were wondering if you or
Monica know where we ordered
pizza from tonight…
BRAD
(pissed)
How the hell should I know?
KRYCEK
Well, you're a smart guy.
Brad looks at them. His mind can't even comprehend how stupid these half-wits are.
BRAD
Get out of here before I call the police.
KRYCEK
(amused)
Is that a threat?
BRAD
(glaring)
Yes.Mulder and Krycek look fearful. He probably would call the cops.
MULDER
Ok. Bye-bye.They start to make their way down the fire escape.
CUT TO:
INT. KRYCEK'S CAR - 9:52 P.M.
Mulder is once again driving the car.
MULDER
Hey, I was just thinking-
KRYCEK
-That must hurt.
MULDER
You have a good singing voice.
Krycek glares.
KRYCEK
We agreed never to speak of that.
MULDER
You agreed. (beat) You should do a
musical where you sing. It could be called
"Super Buddy Side Story", and you could
sing the Super Buddy theme.
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
It would be so much fun!
KRYCEK
No!
MULDER
Come on-
KRYCEK
-No!
MULDER
But it would-
KRYCEK
-No. And if I hear one more
word about it, I'm gonna kill you.
Mulder is silent for a beat.
MULDER
It's not nice to threaten people.
KRYCEK
So. (beat) Hey look!Krycek points out the window at a car wash.
KRYCEK
Let's go wash my car!
MULDER
Ok. (beat) Hey, we'll be sponsoring
the pee-wee baseball league!
Mulder and Krycek pull up to the car wash.
MULDER
It's pretty late for a car wash…
KRYCEK
It's for those people who
think they are vampires.
Mulder looks over at him, believing what he's heard. A kid comes up to the driver side. Mulder rolls down the window.
MULDER
Hey Kido!
KID
The car wash is two dollars.
The kid looks over and sees Krycek.
KID
Hey, you're the one that stole
my twenty bucks earlier today!
Krycek's eyes go wide. He's been caught!
KRYCEK
Go Mulder! GO!
Mulder floors it and hauls ass out of there.
MULDER
(mad)
You stole from a kid?! How could
you do such a horrible thing?!
KRYCEK
Oh, like you've never done it before. (beat)
Don't you remember the time we went to
the carnival and you stole a sucker from
a baby?! A baby! Don't start with me.
MULDER
It didn't even know!
KRYCEK
So! You still did it!
MULDER
You are so bad. (beat) First you
tell me you and Monica had sex
when she was with Bradley. Then
you warp my mind about R2-D2.
When are you going to stop! Behave!
KRYCEK
Slow down. We don't want to
get pulled over by a cop.Mulder slows down.
MULDER
Wait… you made me run away
from a short, fat kid with freckles…Mulder looks over at Krycek amused.
MULDER
You're afraid of a kid.Mulder starts to laugh at him hysterically.
MULDER
Wuss.
KRYCEK
Shut up.
MULDER
Wank!
KRYCEK
Shut up!
MULDER
Baby!
KRYCEK
Shut up!
MULDER
Poopy head!
KRYCEK
Shut up!
MULDER
Loser with a capital "L"!
He puts his right hand up to his forehead and makes his thumb and index finger into the shape of an "L". He looks over at Krycek (still laughing) and sticks out his tongue.
KRYCEK
Shut up! You're the one acting
like a frickin' child!
MULDER
(bouncing in seat)
Loser! Loser! Loser!Suddenly, the car starts to sputter to a stop.
Mulder and Krycek stop their fight and sit in silence. They look around. They are conveniently in the middle of an empty road, no traffic.
KRYCEK
(after a beat)
Well, this is fitting.
MULDER
What happened?
KRYCEK
You broke my car.
MULDER
I didn't do anything!
Krycek leans over and looks at the gages.
KRYCEK
We're out of gas.
MULDER
(realizing something)
Oh… that's what that dinging noise was…Krycek rolls his eyes and looks out the window. A building catches his attention.
KRYCEK
Hey, let's go in there.He points to the building. Mulder looks.
MULDER
An ice rink?
KRYCEK
Yeah.He gets out of the car.
MULDER
Shouldn't we get gas first?
KRYCEK
It's ok. I've got some in my trunk.
Mulder shrugs and follows Krycek. EXT. ICE RINK
Mulder and Krycek stand in front of the door. Naturally the rink is closed.
MULDER
This sucks. They're not even open!
KRYCEK
We'll just break in…
Out of his jacket, he pulls out a lock-picking device.
MULDER
You know Alex, I'm loosing track
of all the bad things you've done…
Where'd you get that?
KRYCEK
I stole it.
MULDER
You have a stealing problem.
KRYCEK
I just picked Doggett's pocket
and took it. It's not actually stealing.
MULDER
Yes it is.
KRYCEK
Shut up.
MULDER
That's illegal.
Krycek gets the door unlocked. He opens it and he and Mulder enter.
KRYCEK
And this isn't illegal?Mulder says nothing, he knows this is illegal. Some FBI agents they are…
TIME CUT TO:
INT. ICE RINK - THE ICE SURFACE - 10:20 P.M.
The ice has been re-surface for the night. Mulder and Krycek loudly make their entrance into the arena.
MULDER
Wow this place is big!
KRYCEK
You speak as if you've never
seen an ice rink before.
MULDER
Not one this big!Mulder steps on the ice and immediately falls down.
Krycek on the other hand, steps on, and easily glides across the smooth surface. Mulder looks on in puzzlement.
Krycek continues on the ice. Doing powerful crossovers, stroking, a few turns here and there. He eventually makes his way up to difficult footwork full of mohawks, choctaws, brackets, and other turns done by figure skaters.
Mulder's jaw drops in awe.
Krycek continues some more, doing powerful and fast crossovers and going into a difficult triple salchow!
Mulder's eyes pop out of their sockets!
MULDER
Holy heck! Where'd you learn that?!Krycek makes his way over to Mulder, stopping fast and spraying Mulder with ice.
KRYCEK
I've been skating since I was little.
MULDER
You should go to the Olympics!
KRYCEK
The Olympics are rigged. It's not worth it.
MULDER
That's a pitty…Mulder sighs.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICE RINK - 10:43 P.M.
Mulder and Krycek leave the ice rink to get back to the car.
MULDER
I'm serious Krycek. You could do a movie
about a hockey player turned figure skater
and he falls in love with his partner.
KRYCEK
And I'm tellin' you, Mulder,
that's already been done.
MULDER
No it hasn't.
KRYCEK
Yes it has. It's called "The Cutting Edge",
starring Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeney.
MULDER
"The Cutting Edge", yeah,
that would be a good title for it.Krycek rolls his eyes.
They make their way over to where the car was, however it is no longer there.
MULDER
Where's the car?
KRYCEK
This is where we left it.
MULDER
Maybe aliens took it.
KRYCEK
Aliens didn't take my frickin' car!
MULDER
Then who did? It couldn't have
been stolen, I have the keys in my pocket.
He digs around in his pocket, looking for his keys.
KRYCEK
(pensive/to himself)
Maybe it's the people who stole the limo…
Mulder continues his frantic search for the keys… they're not in his pocket.
MULDER
(worried)
Oh no.
KRYCEK
What?
MULDER
I left the keys in the car.
Krycek glares at him. He then smacks him up side the head.
KRYCEK
You frickin' idiot!
MULDER
Ow!
Suddenly their retarded fight is interrupted by a flash of lightening, followed by a crack of thunder. The down pour comes shortly after that and soaks the boys.
KRYCEK
Great! This always happens
when a car gets stolen!
MULDER
Look, there's a café coffee
shop place that's open!
KRYCEK
And they're open twenty-four hours!Mulder and Krycek run into the café coffee shop.
INT. INSOMNIAC CAFÉ - 10:48 P.M.
The boys come crashing in, completely drenched. The café is dimly lit. No one is there except for a brunette woman who sits alone at a table.
MULDER
I love rain.
KRYCEK
Yeah, except when I don't
have a car and I'm stuck in it.
Mulder and Krycek take off their jackets and hang them on a coat rack.
MULDER
This place is cozy.
Mulder and Krycek look around. The beautiful brunette sitting at the table catches Mulder's attention.
MULDER
(in shock)
Oh my…Krycek gives him a look. Mulder looks on in awe.
KRYCEK
(irritated)
What is it now?
MULDER
(whisper)
Look over there…Krycek looks over at the brunette.
KRYCEK
Despite your delusion, that's not Diana.
MULDER
I know… It's Madonna.
Krycek checks out the woman again. She sure looks like Madonna.
KRYCEK
(trying to be quiet)
Holy heck, it's the diva herself!
MULDER
(smiles)
And she's a brunette today… (beat)
You know what that means… I get her.With that, Mulder makes his way over to where Madonna is sitting.
MULDER
(suddenly shier than a mouse)
Ms. Madonna?Madonna looks up at him. Krycek comes up behind him, he's speechless.
MADONNA
Yes?
MULDER
Did the Beatles write
that song about you?
Madonna looks at him confused.
MADONNA
What song?
MULDER
You know… (sings) Lady Madonna-
MADONNA
(not wanting him to "sing")
-No…
MULDER
Oh…Mulder is so shy right now, he's having a hard time looking at her.
KRYCEK
(the suck up)
Someday, someone will write a song about you.
MULDER
(shy)
We're really big fans of you, Ms. Madonna.She can't help but smile at how shy Mulder is being.
MADONNA
Did you want an autograph?
KRYCEK
Dude! That would be so cool!He grabs a napkin with the Insomniac Café logo on it.
KRYCEK
Could you sign my napkin?
MADONNA
Sure.She takes out a pen.
MADONNA
Who should I make it out to?
KRYCEK
Alex Krycek, (beat) You may have
heard of me, I'm the director of
the new hit movie "Robot 2000".
MADONNA
(not sure what he's talking about)
No, I haven't heard of it.
She hands him the napkin. She looks at Mulder who is so shy, he's looking at the ground, shuffling his feet.
MADONNA
What about you?Mulder looks up, grabs a napkin and hands it to her. Madonna smiles at him.
MADONNA
Your name?
MULDER
(shy)
Call me Fox.
MADONNA
Ok, Fox.
She signs the napkin and hands it back to him with a smile.
MULDER
Thank you, Ms. Madonna.
MADONNA
You're welcome.
KRYCEK
It was nice to meet you.They shake hands.
MULDER
(shy)
It was such an honor to
meet you, Ms. Madonna.He puts out his hand to shake hers. Instead, she leans over and gives Mulder a kiss on the cheek. Guess that certain charm he has about him worked…
MULDER
(blushing)
Oh chucks.He's gone red. The boys turn and leave the café.
EXT. INSOMNIAC CAFÉ - 11:07 P.M.
Mulder and Krycek exit the café. The rain outside has stopped momentarily.
KRYCEK
(excited)
Dude! That was so cool! We met Madonna!
MULDER
She kissed me!
KRYCEK
Only because you were
a babbeling idiot and she
felt sorry for you!
MULDER
No! My charms worked!
KRYCEK
No!
MULDER
Yes!
KRYCEK
She did that to get to me!
MULDER
No! She wanted me!
KRYCEK
She gave me her number!
MULDER
She did not!
KRYCEK
She did too!
MULDER
Prove it!
KRYCEK
No! I don't have to prove anything!
MULDER
Yeah! Because you're lying!
KRYCEK
No!They continue to walk down the street arguing.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - 12:15 A.M.
They are still arguing about how Krycek got Madonna's phone number.
MULDER
Fibber!
KRYCEK
Wank!
MULDER
Toad!
KRYCEK
Butt-head!
MULDER
Puke-breath!
KRYCEK
Fungus!
MULDER
Where are we?
They stop walking and look around.
KRYCEK
I don't know…
MULDER
Now you've gotten us lost!
KRYCEK
I did not!
MULDER
You did too!
KRYCEK
Did not!
MULDER
Too!
KRYCEK
Not!We pan up as they continue their fight to reveal that Mulder and Krycek are somewhere in a city. No one is around and they stand in the middle of an empty ally.
Off their fight we…
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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