Review By: Zeke Ramone. I bet fifty bucks that this new episode of FRVS will rock your socks! Special guest writer, Cerasi J, takes us through a ride you won't forget for a long long time. Inspired by Monica and Dana's reaction to a hot hockey player, Krycek decides to dress up to the nines in hockey gear, learn a little Swedish, and win a goal for a pro team! Bets, confusion, brown teddy bears, and too much caffeine makes this one Super Buddy adventure one to remember. |
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Title: "Ice, Ice Baby"
Written by: Cerasi J.
Date: July 18, July 23, August 17, August 19, August 27, 2003, September 6,
September 7, September 11. Final draft, September 12, 2003
Air Date: November 10, 2003
Rating: PG-13
Series: FRVS - Episode #109
Spoilers: European Voyage, hockey movies, past FRVS episodes, and X-Fies episode "Dreamland II".
Feedback: We love it. There is a form at the bottom of this story that you can use to send us feedback. Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: Um, yeah, can you tell what my obsession is? Also, please note that most of Brad’s quotes in this story are actually my own used to put my television in it’s place during the playoff’s. I would also like to note that the phrase, "YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!" is from the movie "Trading Places".
Summary: Krycek is convinced he can pick up girls by playing hockey and a few mishaps teach him otherwise.
FADE IN:
INT. Monica/Dana/Marita’s apartment – 8:11 P.M.
CUT TO: We can hear the sounds of a television and the sizzle of something of the stove. We can also hear faint laughs. We slowly drift into the kitchen where Monica and Dana are chatting happily while cooking dinner. The cozy apartment is cheery tonight and all is well with those who reside there. Well, almost.
Pan to Brad, who is wearing a white Washington Capitals jersey. He is sitting on the edge of the couch, chewing nerviously on his thumbnail. He is watching a hockey game, the D.C. Capitals vs. the Mighty Ducks of Anahiem. Suddenly, Brad jumps up, knocking over a can of Bud in the process, he points accusingly at the television.
BRAD
(screaming at TV)
AW, C’MON! YOU CALL THAT HIGH STICKING?!
MY GRANDMOTHER CAN HIGH STICK BETTER
THAN THAT, YOU SON OF A-…!Monica sticks her head out of the kitchen doorway.
MONICA
BRADLEY! LANGUAGE!Brad slumps in his seat, shoving his hands through his hair in anger, the Capitals were down 1-2 with two minutes left in the third period! He was going to owe Skinner and Doggett fifty bucks apiece if they didn’t tie the game!
HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett’s house – 8:12 P.M.
Skinner and Doggett are sitting on the couch, lounging in sweat pants and college t-shirts. Beer cans and bags of chips are strewn about on the coffee table. They are watching the same game and cackling insanely.
DOGGETT
(between laughs)
Only an idiot would bet on
the Caps this year, they suck!Skinner and Doggett laugh it up as we CUT BACK to the apartment.
TV ANNOUNCER
(on tv)
… Kolzig sets it up behind the net…
stolen by Adam Oates! One-man
rush! HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES!
THE MIGHTY DUCKS WIN THE GAME 3-1
in Washington tonight folks, see
you at the next Capitals game
live from the Mile-High City!BRAD
DAMMIT!HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett’s house – 8:13 P.M.
SKINNER/DOGGETT
(five high each other)
YEESSS!!!DOGGETT
Fifty bucks! All right!CUT TO: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita’s apartment – 8:13 P.M.
BRAD
ARRRGGHHH!!!!In the kitchen, Monica has had just about enough of Brad screaming. The upstairs neighbors were starting to call! She hands Dana a wooden spoon with instructions to keep stirring the pasta boiling on the stove. She enters the living room.
MONICA
Brad, what’s going on
with all the screaming?BRAD
(looking around for something to throw)
The Caps lost! THEY LOST!Monica raises an eyebrow, confused. Brad finally picks up a copy of The Hockey News and throws it at the television screen.
BRAD
THEY LOST, MONICA!There is a knock at the door. Brad gets up to answer, but immediately sits down again when Dana skips into the living room.
SCULLY
(cheerfully)
I’ll get it!Monica is looking confused.
MONICA
Brad… since when did you get into hockey?BRAD
Since it’s not football season,
I had to watch something! I hate basketball.
Reminds me of Mulder.Monica laughs and crosses the room as the phone rings.
MONICA
Hello? Yes, he’s here.She hands the phone to Brad.
MONICA
It’s for you.She walks out of the room and back into the kitchen, Dana has gone to answer the door and is nowhere in sight. Good thing, too, because Monica probably would have opened fire on her. There is water all over the kitcher counter tops, and strands of pasta are hanging from the walls and ceiling like demented party steamers.
MONICA
(Tweak from South Park style)
ARGH!BRAD(V.O.)
(on phone)
AW, FOR GOD’S SAKE WALTER,
HE WAS NOT OUT OF THE CREASE!
I refuse to believe that Giguere
would fake a penalty when his
team was winning! GIGUERE’S THE
GOALIE FOR GOD’S SAKE!Scully skips into the kitchen; she is followed by Alex Krycek. Krycek is carrying a large, black garbage bag over his shoulder.
MONICA
(sarcastically)
Well, if it isn’t Santa Clause.KRYCEK
That’s right, Monica Baby, and
Papa Alex has a special toy just for you…Krycek winks; Monica shutters and Dana rolls her eyes.
MONICA
What do you want, Alex?BRAD(V.O.)
(on phone)
MAKE A BET ON THE COLORADO GAME?!
ARE YOU CRAZY?! … No, I do not think
David Aebischer is better than
Patrick Roy, Martin Broduer, sure,
but not Patrick Roy. Well, okay,
maybe Marty Turco… NO JOHN, THAT IS NOT A BET!We hear another copy of The Hockey News smack against the TV.
MONICA
(sighs)
Dana, could you do me a favor and
go and ask Brad what he would
like to drink? Could you also ask
him to stop throwing newspapers?SCULLY
Sure.As soon as Scully is gone, Krycek empties the contents of his bag onto the kitchen floor. It’s laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.
KRYCEK
Mulder clogged the washing machine
with replacement fish he bought
at Wal-Mart, so, I need you
to do my laundry for me.Monica glares at him.
KRYCEK
And I need to borrow three cups of oregano.MONICA
(surprised)
Three cups? What for?KRYCEK
Er, uh, for Krycek’s Famous Manicotti.
It’s an old family recipe.MONICA
Manicotti is an Italian dish…
your family is from Russia.KRYCEK
DAT’S RIGHT! I’M DA MAN! Really,
baby, I just needed to see ya.
It’s really lonely at my place,
and I was sick of Mulder playing
Simon Says with himself.FLASH CUT: INT. Fox Mulder’s Apartment – 8:20 P.M.
Mulder is in the bathroom; he is standing in front of the mirror.
MULDER
JUMP UP AND DOWN!Mulder starts jumping up and down and suddenly stops.
MULDER
(laughing/snorting)
HAH! SIMON DIDN’T SAY!FLASH CUT: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita’s apartment – 8:21 P.M.
At that point, Scully walks back in, her eyes are glued to the newspaper she has picked up, she is gaping at the photographs.
SCULLY
(practically drooling)
Oh. My. God.KRYCEK
(curious)
What are you looking at?SCULLY
(giggles/blushes/remembers Krycek is in the room)
Oh, nothing.She shoves the paper in Monica’s hand and busies herself with setting the table and preparing a salad. Monica looks at the paper, her eyes grow big and she nods approvingly at Scully. Krycek is a tad confused, and decides to leave before Monica sticks him on dish duty. He waves to the two women, but they are not paying attention.
KRYCEK
Later.As soon as Krycek has left the room, Dana and Monica begin giggling insanely about the man featured on the cover of the paper.
MONICA
Where did you find this?SCULLY
It was one of the papers that Brad
threw at the TV. I picked
them up and there he was!MONICA
Wow, he’s really cute! Who is he?SCULLY
I don’t know, just some hockey player!
Open it; let’s see who he is!MONICA
(scans the paper)
It says his name is Peter Forsberg.
Did you read the article?SCULLY
No, not yet! Read it to
me while I set the table.What Monica and Dana don’t realize is that Krycek is pressed against the wall outside the kitchen listening to their conversation.
MONICA
(reading out loud)
“Peter Forsberg is the blue-eyed Swede
who has a Cinderella story behind
him. He was the player that
scored the winning goal against
Canada in the 1994 Olympics. He was
also the first Swedish hockey
player to be put on a postage stamp.”SCULLY
Wow. A postage stamp? He
must be pretty important.MONICA
Yeah! That’s what it says! He’s
only ever played for one team,
Colorado, it says he was traded to
the Flyers, but he never played for them.Scully looks over Monica’s shoulder at pictures of Peter Forsberg holding his stick proudly above his head, obviously celebrating a goal. His back is to the camera, his helmet is off and bits of strawberry-blonde hair are stuck out everywhere.
SCULLY
Wow. Look at that ass.MONICA
You could iron a shirt on his stomach.SCULLY
Is he single?MONICA
(dreamily)
I don’t know. Did you ever want to
date a jock when you were in
high school? Because I think it
would be kind of cool to date a hockey player.In the hallway, Krycek’s face suddenly brightens as something brilliant dawns on him.
SCULLY
(goes back to setting the table)
Have you ever noticed how hot Swedish guys
are? I mean, they’re like, the cream
of the male crop so to speak.Monica and Scully’s voices fade out as we pan to Krycek who is stroking his chin thoughtfully.
KRYCEK
Chicks dig hockey players… Hmmm…Alex squares his shoulders and quietly shows himself out.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. Fox Mulder’s Apartment – 9:51 P.M.
Que audio: We hear Mulder singing.
We see Mulder at the table, he is dressed in jogging gear. We can see he has a bowl of cereal in front of him, there is a box of Lucky Charms on the table. As we move closer we realize there is cereal all over the table, as if it has been spilled. Plastic rustles. Mulder is digging through the cereal in search of a Finding Nemo fish-shaped Krazy straw prize. He dumps a bowl-full of cereal on the table, shakes his head and continues digging.
MULDER
(singing)
OH THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS!Mulder dumps more cereal onto the table and returns to the process of prize hunting. Mulder, however, is oblivious to the fact that Krycek has already found the prize and sold it on eBay.
MULDER
(singing)
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!Mulder dumps the last of the cereal onto the table and pouts when he does not find the the prize.
MULDER
Oh well.Mulder puts the cereal box on his head with the intention of using it as a hat to accompany his wonderful singing talents. The box, however, manages to slip down, so it now covers Mulder’s face.
MULDER
(singing, muffled by box)
THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS,
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!Off screen, we hear a door slam. Krycek is home. Back in the kitchen, Mulder is now standing on his chair swinging his arms about a la crazy oprea singer. He has changed songs.
MULDER
(singing, muffled by box)
I FEEL LIKE MAKIN’ LOVE TO YOOOOOOUUUUU!!
DUN-UH-DUN! DUN-UH-DUN!The camera pans to the doorway, where Krycek now stands. We notice Krycek is dressed to the Nines in hockey gear, complete with Jason-style facemask. We figure he has probably paid for his new gear with his Endless Credit Card. He pushes his facemask back so that it sits atop his head; he has a disturbed look on his face. Krycek carefully approaches Mulder, we realize Krycek is even wearing ice skates and he is leaving gouge marks in the hardwood floor. With an eyebrow quirked, Alex grins. He just can’t resist. He has to test out the new stick, after all… There is a loud CRACK! as Krycek’s hockey stick connects with the side of Mulder’s head. Mulder tumbles to the floor.
MULDER
(screaming in pain)
OWWIE!!Krycek smiles and stands his hockey stick in the corner.
At this point in time Mulder is rolling around on the floor, screaming, trying to pull the box off his head.
MULDER
(screaming/panicking)
I’M BLIND! I’M BLIND!KRYCEK
(rolls eyes)
Take the cereal box off your head!Mulder finally pulls the box off his head. His eyes are closed.
MULDER
(screaming)
I STILL CAN’T SEE!!KRYCEK
Open your eyes, jackass!Mulder opens his eyes and sighs in relief.
MULDER
Alex! Oh, It’s you! The aliens!
I heard them! I thought I was going
to be taken like they took Sam-! Poor Sammie!Mulder’s eyes grow very large and well up with tears, we know he’s going to re-hash the whole damn alien story again. Krycek heads him off at the pass. He motions to his hockey gear and raises an eyebrow suggestively.
KRYCEK
Hey! What do you think of my
new duds? Am I a stud or what? I’M DA MAN!MULDER
(looks Alex up and down)
Ooh! I didn’t know you liked hockey!
Are you trying out for that team? Um…
The one with the little kids,
you know? With the ducks?KRYCEK
The Mighty Ducks?MULDER
No… you know. The one with Russel Crowe?
Where they made the guy skate naked?KRYCEK
Mystery Alaska?MULDER
Um, no… the other one!KRYCEK
WHAT OTHER ONE?! THERE IS NO OTHER ONE!MULDER
The one with Paul Newman!KRYCEK
Slap-Shot?MULDER
Umm… no…KRYCEK
NO! I’m not trying out for any of
those teams! (he straightens his jersey,
which bares the logo of the New York
Rangers) Man, don’t you get it?
Chicks dig hockey! Monica totally
wanted to get in my pants!MULDER
Then why are you here and not at Monica’s?KRYCEK
THAT’S NOT THE POINT! She was
totally turned on by all those
hockey players on TV. Brad
was watching a game.MULDER
How do you know she was turned
on by all those hockey players?KRYCEK
Because, she and Dana sat there
and giggled about how hot this Swedish guy was.MULDER
But you’re not Swedish, you’re Russian.KRYCEK
I am too Swedish, listen, I’ve
got their accent down pat! (he takes a deep
breath) YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!MULDER
That doesn’t even sound Swedish.KRYCEK
Yes, it does!MULDER
No, it doesn’t!KRYCEK
Yes, it does!MULDER
No, it doesn’t!KRYCEK
Yes, it does!MULDER
No, it doesn’t!KRYCEK
YES!!!MULDER
NO!!!Krycek reaches out and grabs Mulder in a headlock.
MULDER
YOU WIN, YOU WIN!!Krycek smiles smugly.
MULDER
Anyway, you know Monica, she’s not
going to give you the time of day,
even with the hockey gear.KRYCEK
(scoffs)
She’s just trying to play hard-to-get!
You know how much she wants me and
my Russian—er, Swedish—Love Gun!
I’m such a sexy bitch!MULDER
(shrugs)
Okay, Alex, whatever you say! Hey,
by the way, Super Buddy, I think the aliens
abducted my Lucky Charms! There’s
no prize in the cereal box!Krycek is obviously ignoring Mulder. He has picked up a pot on the stove and is fluffing his hair a bit, using the shiney copper bottom as a mirror.
KRYCEK
(points at himself)
Yeah, who scores with all the chicks?
ALEX! Can ya dig it?MULDER
The pots and pans! Great idea,
Alex! I would have never thought
of that! Fish and pots! It goes
together like hamburgers and cheese!Mulder opens the cupboard and begins picking up every pot and looking underneath for his Finding Nemo prize.
KRYCEK
(strikes a few poses/still using the pot as a mirror)
YEAH DUDE, I ROCK! With these new threads
Monica won’t be able to resist me!We pan downward, where Mulder is still digging through the cupboard in search of his prize. He is humming Weezer’s “Knock Down Drag Out”.
MULDER
TAKE NO PRISONERS! HERE! IN! THIS!
KNOCK DOWN DRAG-OUT WAR! THAT WE’RE
WADGING! ON! EACH! OTHER FOREVER MORE!
(he pauses) Sasha, I’m running out
of songs to sing, I’ve sung the Tigger
song, the War song and that one song
that you sing in the shower a lot.Alex’s head snaps up.
KRYCEK
You listen to me in the shower?!
You prev. You’re no better than Monica,
trying to get in my pants all the time.MULDER
You’re the perv, Alex! You’re always
talking about Brad and Monica having sex!KRYCEK
Am not!MULDER
Are too!KRYCEK
D2!MULDER
See?! You even made sweet, innocent
R2-D2 into a pervert!KRYCEK
I did not! He was a perv before I said he was!MULDER
Was not!KRYCEK
Was too!MULDER
Was not!KRYCEK
Was too!MULDER
Was not!KRYCEK
Was too!MULDER
NOT!!!KRYCEK
TOO!!!MULDER
NOT!!!KRYCEK
Don’t make me use that again.
(he points at his hockey stick for emphasis.)Mulder pouts.
MULDER
Fine. But I still don’t get your
stupid hockey idea. Are you going
to take my advice and go from figure
skater to hockey player? Hey! Maybe
we can write a movie about that!
You can be the struggling figure skater,
desperate to get into the Olympics,
and the only way to get in is to
become a hockey player for Canada,
who’s team is down by one point and
you come and score the winning goal!
And then you’re famous and have a
Gold metal! We can call it “Miracle on Ice”!KRYCEK
Mulder. That already happened. Only it
was the United States team instead of
Canada, and they already have a movie based
on it called “Miracle on Ice”. Kurt Russell is in it.Mulder pouts again.
MULDER
Oh. But I still don’t get the hockey idea.KRYCEK
Monica and Dana totally dig these
hockey players, right? So I’m thinking, I
can make Monica and Dana crazy with
my new hockey gear, and maybe that’ll
make Marita jealous, and she’ll leave
that Alfredo bastard and come back to me.MULDER
Oohh, so this is all for Marita?KRYCEK
Yeah. Sorta. (he looks at his watch)
Well. It’s late, I’m going to go to bed,
catch some Z’s, because it’s gonna take
all my energy to keep Monica busy tomorrow.Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.
And with that we FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. Washington D.C. Public Library—8:51 A.M.
We pan inside the library, where Krycek has snuck in earlier this morning. He is still dressed in full hockey gear, complete with skates, he figures he’s going to go for the classic Gretsky look. He is sitting at a table in front of a stereo, he is wearing a pair of head phones. Next to him is an 8-Tape set of “Swedish For Dummies”. He is flipping through the phrase book, writing down words as they catch his attention. Krycek pauses mid-flip and listens intently to the tape.
KRYCEK
(loudly)
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!LIBRARY PATRONS
SHHHH!!!KRYCEK
(to the library patrons)
FROM SWEEDDDEN!!Krycek takes a deep breath and concentrates, he continues listening to the tape. The tape instructs him to listen carefully and repeat the Swedish part of the sentence.
TAPE
(female, with a Swedish accent)
Hello, my name is… (Pause) Halla, min namn ar…KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!PATRONS
SHHH!!KRYCEK
DAMMIT, SHUT UP! I’M LISTENIN’
TO THE SWEDISH BROAD!!Krycek pushes a button on his tape player, we hear the classic squeaky fast-forward noise. The tape resumes playing.
TAPE
(female, with a Swedish accent)
Chapter One: Visiting Sweden. Sweden
is fantastic! Sverige ar fantastist!KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek’s apartment—10:56 A.M.
FADE IN:
We see Krycek in his bedroom, he is sprawled out on his bed surrounded by Swedish language tapes, Swedish guidebooks, hockey pucks, a New York Islanders home jersey and a copy of “Hockey for Dummies”. We can also see that he has re-decorated his room with hockey sticks and Wayne Gretzky posters. As we come closer we notice Krycek is still wearing headphones, but he is not listening to his language tapes.
KRYCEK
(singing loudly)
THE DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG
AND SWEET! ONLY SEVENTEEN!We CUT TO the hallway, where Mulder is walking past Krycek’s room. Mulder stops and looks confused when he sees Krycek lying on his stomach, his feet in the air like a teenage girl talking on the telephone.
MULDER
Sasha… are you okay?Krycek, however, can’t hear Mulder.
KRYCEK
(singing loudly)
DON’T TURN AROUND! ‘CUZ YOU’RE GONNA
SEE MY HEART BREAKIN! DON’T
TURN AROUND! I DON’T WANT YOU SEEIN’ ME CRY!Mulder steps into the room, Krycek glances up, startled.
KRYCEK
DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!Krycek is scrambling to hide his Abba and Ace of Base CDs.
MULDER
Why are you listening to Abba
and Ace of Base? Those bands
haven’t been popular for years!KRYCEK
None of your business.MULDER
Aw, c’mon, you can tell me! I
won’t laugh! Wait! I’ll guess!
I know! You’re planning a trip for
all of the Super Buddies to go see
Abba in concert, and you’re just
trying to learn the words to some of their songs! Right?KRYCEK
No.MULDER
Aw, c’mon! I give up! Tell me!KRYCEK
No.Mulder sits down on Krycek’s bed
MULDER
C’mon Alex, why are you
being so stubborn? Just tell me!KRYCEK
No.MULDER
Yes.KRYCEK
No.MULDER
Yes.KRYCEK
No.MULDER
Yes.KRYCEK
NO!MULDER
Fine, okay! No need to get nasty about it!Krycek stands up to leave
KRYCEK
I’m goin’ to Monica’s. Hopefully
I won’t be back soon.Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.
CUT TO: INT. J. Edgar Hoover Building—Brad Follmer’s office—11:05 A.M.
FADE IN:
Brad is sitting at his desk; he is drinking a Starbucks Venti mocha latte and reading a report. He looks very calm and collected compared to the night before when he was yelling things at the television set. The camera slowly circles the room, we can now see over Brad’s right shoulder, we realize he is not reading a report because there is a copy of Power Play magazine tucked into the folder. He turns a page in the magazine and sips at his latte. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
BRAD
(takes a sip of his coffee/not looking up)
Come in.Doggett and Skinner enter; they are wearing smug grins as they approach Brad’s desk
DOGGETT
Brad, my man. I do believe you
owe me one President Grant.SKINNER
Make that a double.Brad looks up, startled. His startled expression slowly turns into a slight scowl as he realizes who just walked through his door.
BRAD
Walter, John. What a nice surprise,
can I get you gentlemen a cup of coffee?SKINNER
Quit stalling, Follmer, pay up.BRAD
You know, for one thing I don’t
think it was a fair win, I mean, they
practically cut off Kolzig’s head and
handed it to him! And for one thing,
Jagr was out with that sprained ankle,
so without him the team is practically bust-…DOGGETT
C’mon Brad, you lost, fair
and square, you owe us fifty bucks.Brad glares at Doggett for a moment, finally reaches into his pocket and pulls out two fifty dollar bills. Doggett and Skinner eagerly accept the bills, they both grin at each other, and then at Brad.
DOGGETT
Ehh… you know, Brad, there’s a
really good chance that Washington
will lose to Colorado. I mean… that is,
if you wanna… (he winks at Walter) …make a bet on it.BRAD
But Colorado is one of the toughest
teams in the Northwest Division, what
makes you think they would lose to Washington?
Washington isn’t exactly on top
of their game this season.SKINNER
Yeah… but since Patrick Roy retired
and they put their second string
goalie into the net, Colorado’s
been having a tough time with their
goaltending. They’ve only been able
to stay on top because of great defense.Brad now looks intrigued. Doggett and Skinner grin at each other; not so nice grins…
SKINNER
Colorado doesn’t stand a chance
against Washington. Our defense will
kill them on their goaltending.DOGGETT
Yeah.BRAD
Oh, well. Okay. But I still don’t know about the bet…DOGGETT
C’mon Brad, what’s it going to hurt?BRAD
Who are you going to bet on?DOGGETT
I don’t know… (nudges Walter) But
I think Colorado will lose.SKINNER
(nudges back)
Yeah, I know Colorado’ll lose.BRAD
(folds his hands) Alrighty, so you two
bet fifty bucks that Colorado will lose,
I bet fifty that they’ll win.Skinner and Doggett blink.
DOGGETT
Err… what?BRAD
You two bet fifty bucks on Colorado,
you bet that they will lose to Washington.
I’m betting fifty as well, on Colorado.
I’m betting they’ll win over Washington.DOGGETT
Er, uh…Doggett glances warily at Skinner, Brad smiles politely.
SKINNER
Um, I wanna change my bet.BRAD:
Sorry gentlemen, all bets are final.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
I have a stack of paperwork bigger than a zamboni.Brad keeps on smiling as Doggett and Skinner slink out the door.
FADE OUT:
TIME CUT: Kim Manners' Bar —9:15 P.M.
FADE IN:
Kim Manners' Bar is a well lighted, cheery place friends can go after work to tip back a few. The whole gang is there tonight, Doggett, Skinner, Mulder and Spender are all sitting at the bar, eating peanuts, drinking beer, watching football and grunting the occasional “Gimme the peanuts” at each other. Well, all accept Mulder, that is. Mulder is chewing on the nuts and chittering in the same manner as a squirrel with A.D. Brad, Monica and Scully are all laughing it up and shooting some pool. Marita is nowhere to be seen, of course.
We slowly pan to the door, it opens, revealing Krycek, (in all his sweaty glory), in his hockey gear, fresh off the ice. He swaggers in; Brad, Monica and Scully look up. Brad rolls his eyes.
BRAD
Oh my God, look at Gordie Howe over there.MONICA
(confused)
Why is he dressed like that?SCULLY
Don’t say anything to him! Then he’ll
come over here and everyone will know we know him!Mulder looks over and sees Alex
MULDER
Sasha! I didn’t know you were coming!
C’mere and eat some peanuts with us!
Look, Monica, Brad and Dana are
all over there playing pool!MONICA
D’oh!Krycek ignores Mulder for the moment, he has his sights set on a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the bar, she is drinking a Coors Lite and picking at a basket of popcorn shrimp. Krycek grins and saunters over to her.
KRYCEK
(speaking Swedish)
God afton.
(Good evening.)The young woman glances up sharply, startled by the use of her native language.
YOUNG WOMAN
Talar ni svenska?!
(Do you speak Swedish?!)KRYCEK
(sexy tone)
Yah.
(Yeah.)In the background, Brad, Monica and Dana are all glancing bewilderly at each other.
MONICA
When did bonehead learn to speak Swedish?BRAD
I have no idea.SCULLY
Fifty bucks says he can’t speak it at all,
he’s probably listening to a set of headphones
and the tape is in his pocket or something.MONICA
I’ll take that bet.Monica and Scully shake hands and the three of them move in closer to hear Krycek’s conversation.
YOUNG WOMAN
(smiles at Krycek)
Mitt namn ar Helga.
(My name’s Helga.)KRYCEK
(doesn’t know what this means)
Uhh… De tar i tarna.
(They pinch my toes.)Krycek is thinking he just said, “Like my hockey stick?” Helga, however, looks confused, but she plays along. She smiles.
HELGA
Forlat?
(I beg your pardon?)KRYCEK
(Seductively, leans closer)
Vill ni vara vanlig och fylla I
den har blanketten?
(Would you mind filling in this registration form?)HELGA
(blinks)
Uh… Ursakta?
(Excuse me?)In the background, Brad, Monica and Scully are all trying to hide their giggles, somehow they just know Krycek is making an ass of himeself.
KRYCEK
(turns, glares at them; to Helga, sexy)
Jag skulle vilja ha helforsakning?
(I want full insurance.)HELGA
(really confused, trying not to laugh)
Uh, Jag forstar inte.
(Uh… I don’t understand.)BRAD
(laughing)
Alex, speak English!KRYCEK
(turns to Brad/angerily/meaning to say “I don’t speak English!”)
Detta ar inte MINA skor!
(These aren’t MY shoes!)Helga hides a giggle behind her hand, Monica and Scully are clinging to the pool table, hyperventilating. Krycek turns back to Helga and attemps once more to act sexy in his hockey gear.
KRYCEK:
(sexy)
Jag har forstoppning.At this point in time, Helga bursts out laughing. She is laughing so hard she spills her drink all over the bar.
HELGA
(between laughs)
Oh… My… God! You just said “I’m constipated”!KRYCEK
(surprised)
YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!HELGA
(laughing)
Of course I speak English!
I teach at the University!KRYCEK
(freaking out)
What do you mean, ‘you teach at the University’?!HELGA
(still laughing)
I mean, I teach German history at
the University of Washington D.C.KRYCEK
(wary)
How old are you?HELGA
Forty-four.KRYCEK
AHHHHHH!!!At that point in time, Krycek runs screaming from the bar, leaving Helga, Brad, Scully and Monica chortling in his wake.
TIME CUT: Mulder and Krycek’s apartment—11:25 P.M.
It’s late when Mulder comes home. His spirits are high and he is very happy because the Washington Redskins beat the New York Jets 36-3. He enters the apartment and slips off his shoes and jacket and sets it on a small bench in the hallway. Suddenly Mulder notices that everything is dark and quiet in his small abode. Where was Krycek? Mulder saw him leave the bar so he probably went home, right? Where else would he be…?
MULDER
(frightened) Sasha?He creeps toward the back of the apartment.
MULDER
Alex? Are you here?As he creeps deeper into the apartment, he starts to hear strains of music.
CD PLAYER
Mamma Mia! Here I go again! Mamma Mia…!MULDER
(confused)
Alex?He walks into the living room, surprised to see Krycek lying face first on the couch in his underwear, his hockey gear strewn about the room. The CD player is on and blaring Abba’s Greatest Hits. Mulder turns on the lights.
MULDER
Alex! There you are! What’s going on?KRYCEK
(depressed)
… Nothin’.MULDER
Why are you sitting here in
your underwear listening to Abba?KRYCEK
(depressed)
… Dunno.Mulder can hear the depressed tone in Alex’s voice.
MULDER
(sits down beside Krycek)
C’mon Alex, what’s the matter?Krycek rolls over on his back and stares at the ceiling.
KRYCEK
Aw, Mulder, who am I kidding? I’ll
never get Marita back. She’s in
love with that Alfredo bastard. (he sniffles)MULDER
Oh…! Alex! Is this about that
Swedish teacher at the bar?KRYCEK
WHO TOLD YOU?!MULDER
I was there, remember?KRYCEK
Oh. Yeah.MULDER
Well, is this about the Swedish lady?KRYCEK
(sniffles)
I made such an ass of myself.MULDER
It’s not the first time, Alex, you’ve
made a butt-head out of yourself before.KRYCEK
Yeah, I know… but… I just want
my Marita back… (sniffles louder)MULDER
Awww… Sasha! You know what will make
you feel all better? Some nice, soft
music and a biiiigggg cup of my famous hot chocolate!KRYCEK
(still depressed)
Yeah, okay, whatever.Mulder gets up and goes over to change the radio station. Abba goes off and a modern rock station comes on. Mulder is reaching for the knob to change the station when the phone rings.]
MULDER
(happy)
I’ll get it!He skips out of the room to answer the phone. Krycek starts to zone out when something on the radio catches his attention.
RADIO DJ #1
(cornball chuckle)
Heh heh heh, that’s right! It’s hockey
night in D.C.! We’re givin’ away a
trip for you and ten of your closest
friends to fly round trip first
class to Denver, Colorado to see the
Washington Capitals cream the Colorado Avalanche!RADIO DJ #2
(cornball chuckle)
HEH HEH! THAT’S RIGHT! WE’RE GONNA CREAM ‘EM, YEAH!RADIO DJ #1
YEAH! Heh heh! You’ll get tickets to
the game, round trip airfare, three nights in
the Westin hotel, and $500 spending
cash for the first caller… right now!KRYCEK
KICK ASS!Krycek scrambles off the couch and dives for the phone that’s next to the TV. He picks it up and holds it to his ear.
TELEMARKETER
(robotic voice)
If… you… would… like… to… purchase… a…
Chia… George… Bush… please… press… one… now…KRYCEK
(screams)
MULDER, GET OFF THE PHONE!!!!Mulder quickly hangs up the phone and Krycek hurrily dials the number to the radio station. The phone rings.
KRYCEK
C’mon…. c’mon…RADIO DJ #1
(cornball chuckle)
Heh heh! This is XQTW, Today’s
New Modern Rock! Who’s this?KRYCEK
ALEX KRYCEK! RUSSIAN LOVE GOD!RADIO DJ #2
Errr… what?KRYCEK
(excited)
AM I CALLER NUMBER ONE?!RADIO DJ #1
(cornball chuckle)
That depends, heh heh! Can you name the
lead singer of Donny and Marie AND
the number of molcules in that person’s car?!KRYCEK
Err… Donny… and… three billion.The DJs pause.
RADIO DJ #2
OH MY GOD! HE GOT IT RIGHT!DJs gasp.
RADIO DJ #1
YOU WIN!KRYCEK
(excited shriek)
REALLY?!RADIO DJ #2
Yes! You win the tickets! Who
are you gonna take with you?!KRYCEK
WHO CARES?! MARITA WILL LOVE ME AGAIN
BECAUSE I’M GONNA BE THE HOTTEST
RUSSIAN-SWEDISH HOCKEY PLAYER EVER!!RADIO DJ #1
Yeeaahhh… whatever.After a few moments on the phone, Krycek gives the DJs his personal information so he can go and pick up his prize. Mulder comes into the living room with two huge steaming mugs of hot chocolate.
MULDER
(holds the cup out to Krycek)
Here you go! I steamed the milk
with my espresso machine!KRYCEK
You don’t have an espresso machine!MULDER
Yes, I do!KRYCEK
No, you don’t!MULDER
Yes, I do!KRYCEK
No, you don’t!MULDER
Yes, I do!KRYCEK
No, you don’t!MULDER
No, I don’t!KRYCEK
Yes, you do!MULDER
See, even you agree with me,
I do have an espresso maker!Mulder sticks his tongue out at Krycek.
KRYCEK
DAMN YOU! Anyway, it’s not important,
I know how I can get Marita back!MULDER
(sips his drink)
How?KRYCEK
A romantic Rocky Mountain
getaway to see a hockey game!MULDER
(gasp)
WOW!KRYCEK
Yeah! I just won a radio contest, me
and ten friends get to go to Denver to see a game!MULDER
TEN FRIENDS?! (squeals) ALL RIGHT!
A SUPER BUDDIES TRIP!KRYCEK
I didn’t say it was for Super Buddies!MULDER
(sniffle)
Oh… Okay, I get it, Marita is
more important than your friends…Mulder starts to cry.
KRYCEK
Aw God, don’t start that! Fine,
it’s a Super Buddies outting!MULDER
YAY!He hugs Krycek.
MULDER
Okay, you and ten friends, so that’s me,
Brad, Skinner, Doggett, Monica, Scully,
Spender, and Marita! But what about the other two spots?KRYCEK
Who cares! We’ll worry about that
later, let’s make some phone calls!Krycek picks up the phone.
CUT TO: INT. Brad Follmer’s Bedroom – 11:35 P.M.
We see Brad is lying on his side, sleeping. Monica has her arm thrown over his waist. The telephone rings, and he opens one eye to stare at it. It rings again.
MONICA
(sleepy)
Answer the phone, Brad.BRAD
(sleepy)
You answer it.MONICA
You’re closer.Damn. She had him there. Brad flops his arm to the general area where the phone is. His hand makes contact with it and he picks it up.
BRAD
(mumbles)
Hello?There is silence for a moment as Brad is listening to the caller. Suddenly his eyes pop wide open and he bolts upright in bed.
BRAD
HELL YES, WE’LL GO WITH YOU! AND
DON’T EVER CALL AT THIS HOUR AGAIN!Monica also bolts upright when Brad starts yelling.
MONICA
WHAT’S GOING ON?!Brad hangs up the phone and turns to Monica calmly.
BRAD
Nothing dear, just a wrong number.
(he kisses her cheek) Goodnight.Brad rolls over and goes back to sleep.
CUT BACK TO: Mulder and Krycek’s living room—11:37 P.M.
KRYCEK
(hangs up the phone)
ALL RIGHT! We got Monica and Brad!MULDER
Yay! (high fives Krycek)They go through all the telephone calls this way, inviting everyone on their list… surprisingly, everyone excepts the invitation and only Marita remains on the list of Super Buddies.
KRYCEK
Errr… ummm… maybe we should
call Marita in the morning.We all know Krycek is wary about speaking with Marita again… because everytime he does it seems like she just drives that nail deeper and deeper into his heart… awww.
MULDER
Do you want me to make the call?KRYCEK
(suddenly brave)
No! No, I’ll do it! I am a hockey player, after all.Krycek picks up the phone and dials the number…
CUT TO: INT. Robert Alfredo’s living room – 11:40 P.M.
The room is dark, lit only by a few candles which are placed around the coffee table in a romantic setting. There is a bottle of bubbly and a plate of oysters on the half-shell on the table. Robert and Marita are cuddling closely on the couch.
MARITA
(giggles)
I love you, Robert, you’re a much
better lover then Alex ever was!On cue, the phone rings, shattering the romantic atmosphere.
ROBERT
I’ll get it.MARITA
No! Don’t! It’s so… un-lovey!
It ruins the mood!ROBERT
Yeah, but it might be my mom!MARITA
(is now mad and pouty)
Fine. I don’t care.ROBERT
Aw, Marita! C’mon-…!MARITA
(holds up hand)
No, just go ahead. See if I care.ROBERT
Argh. (reaches for the phone) What?HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek’s living room – 11:41 P.M.
KRYCEK
(smug)
Alfredo, you bas-…MULDER
AHEM!KRYCEK
-You… old buddy of mine. Lemme talk to Marita.ROBERT
(filtered, over phone)
She’s not here.KRYCEK
You’re such a liar, I can hear her
whiney breathing in the background.Mulder gasps.
MULDER
Alex!KRYCEK
Shut up, Mulder. (sticks his tongue out)Robert puts Marita on the phone.
MARITA
(filtered, over phone)
This is Marita speaking, who is this?KRYCEK
(freezes when he hears Marita’s sweet, sweet voice…)
Er, uh… this is, ahem, Alex.MARITA
Oh. What do you want?KRYCEK
Er, well, um. You see… I got
tickets to this hockey game and-…MARITA
(interrupts)
And you want me to go with you?KRYCEK
Er, well… yes.MARITA
Hockey is such a barbaric sport…
grown men figure skating with tree branches!
Who would ever watch such a thing?
Let alone play it! I’m sorry, Alex,
but the answer is no. I’m in love with
Robert now, and I don’t have time to
watch a stupid hockey game with you.On Krycek’s end of the line, his eyes fill with tears and he quickly blinks them away.
KRYCEK
Fine! But I still want my
“Hawaiian Bunny” tape back, you bitch!Krycek slams the phone down. Mulder gasps again.
MULDER
Alex! You just called Marita a… a bad word!KRYCEK
(now depressed again)
Yeah, big deal. Who cares.MULDER
She was mean to you again, wasn’t she?KRYCEK
Yes.MULDER
Aw! It’s okay, Alex, you’ll find someone
nicer and all the good stuff!KRYCEK
(sniffles)
Yeah, well, now that she doesn’t want to
come to Denver with us, we have three open
spots for our hockey trip. And part of
the agreement with the radio station was
that if I can’t get ten people, I have to
pay for the remainder of the tickets.Suddenly, it seems that someone has turned on a light bulb on over Mulder’s head.
MULDER
ALEX! I know how we can fill those
last three spots for the hockey trip!KRYCEK
(glumly)
How?MULDER
I’ll invite three of my favorite Super Buddies!KRYCEK
Great idea! Who’s it gonna be? Some hot broads, I hope!Mulder rushes over to the phone and frantically dials a number.
HARD CUT TO: INT. Kristi and Cassie’s living room – 11:56 P.M.
Kristi and Cassie are sitting on their couch, relaxing after a hard day of figure skating at the ice rink. They are both sipping on Live Wire Mountain Dew slurppies and watching CSI on DVD.
CASSIE
I think Nick Stokes is much
cuter than Greg Sanders.KRISTI
No way, Robert Patrick is
better than both of them.CASSIE
Nick Stokes.KRISTI
Robert Patrick.CASSIE
Nick Stokes.KRISTI
Robert Patrick.CASSIE
Nick Stokes.KRISTI
Robert Patrick.CASSIE
NICK STOKES!KRISTI
ROBERT PATRICK!The phone rings.
CASSIE
You get it.KRISTI
No, you get it.CASSIE
You get it.KRISTI
You get it.CASSIE
You get it.KRISTI
FINE, I’LL GET THE DAMN THING!CASSIE
I thought so.Kristi gets up to answer the phone.
KRISTI
Hello?MULDER
(filtered, over phone)
Hi!KRISTI
Uhh… (looks at Cassie)MULDER
This is Fox Mulder, from Super Buddies!Kristi looks suspiciously at the Mountain Dew slurppie in her hand.
CASSIE
Who is it?MULDER
Krycek and I were wondering if you
and Cassie would like to come to hockey
game with us! It’s a Super Buddies outting!KRISTI
Uhh… sure… we’ll be there.MULDER
Okay, bye!KRISTI
Bye…Mulder hangs up and Kristi promptly throws her Mountain Dew into a near-by trash can.
KRISTI
I’m never drinking Mountain Dew again.HARD CUT TO: INT. Cerasi’s den – 11:56 P.M.
Pan around the den area, Cerasi is sitting at the computer, typing madly on FRVS Reviews as she is trying to beat her Friday deadline. The cell phone sitting on the computer table beside her starts to ring, the ring sounds like a noise a pinball machine would make. Cerasi looks at the cell phone and blinks.
CERASI
Hello?MULDER
(filtered, over phone)
Hi!CERASI
Er…Cerasi looks a little freaked, she scrolls up and reads her work. She’s really confused.
CERASI
Errr… umm… can I help you?MULDER
Krycek and I were wondering if you
would like to come to hockey game with us!
It’s a Super Buddies outting!CERASI
Er… uh… wait, did you say ‘hockey game’?MULDER
Yeah, in Colorado!Cerasi looks over at the many Peter Forsberg posters plastered to her wall. There is a big heart drawn around one of them.
CERASI
Sure, I’ll be there.MULDER
Yay! Great! Thank you!Cerasi hangs up the phone and glances at the Starbucks cup on her desk.
CERASI
I will never drink another
Starbucks as long as I live.HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek’s living room – Midnight
Mulder hangs up the phone, he is very happy.
MULDER
Cerasi, Kristi and Cassie can all
make it and fill the empty spots!KRYCEK
Three broads? Wow Mulder, you do have connections!TIME CUT: — ONE WEEK LATER
Mulder, Krycek, Brad, Scully, Monica, Doggett, Skinner, Kristi, Cassie and Cerasi are standing at Gate 74, awaiting their flight to Denver. Doggett is already looking sick, Skinner and Brad have decided they are die-hard Caps fans and have gone all out with shirts, caps and jackets. Brad’s laptop bag even has a Washington Capitals logo on it. Scully and Monica are quiet, but are secretly looking forward to watching all the cute hockey players strut their stuff on the ice. Krycek is dressed in his hockey gear again and Mulder is also quiet and wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs t-shirt. Cerasi is wearing headphones and is writing furiously in a notebook. Kristi and Cassie, however, are just wondering how the hell they got there.
MULDER
(happy)
I heard Wayne Gretzky and Bobby
Hull are gonna be on this flight!The gang glances warily at each other… they remember what happened last time…
DOGGETT
(to Brad)
Heh heh, I bet that Colorado is really
gonna lose to the Caps, right Brad?Cerasi looks up.
CERASI
Are you nuts? Colorado is leading the
league in scoring. Milan Hejduk won
the Maurice Richard trophy last year.DOGGETT
Eh, err. Oh. Yeah. I knew that.Cerasi rolls her eyes and Brad smirks.
FLIGHT ATTENDENT
Attention ladies and gentlemen, United
flight 175 to Denver International Airport
is now boarding, please present your
ticket at the gate, thank you and have a nice flight.TIME CUT: UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT 175 — 12:30 p.m.
Of course, we all know what’s happening on the flight. We’ve seen it so many times before… Doggett is green, clutching an air-sickness bag and is blaming all his problems on Monica. Scully is trying to comfort Doggett. Brad, Skinner and Krycek are all just staying out of it. Mulder is running up and down, back and forth, checking every face in a vain attempt to get The Great One’s autograph. Cerasi is writing “Peter Forsberg Rox My Sox” on the cover of her notebook and Kristi and Cassie are still wondering if there was something in the Mountain Dew. Well, since we got that all cleared up, on with the story!
TIME CUT: PEPSI CENTER — 1:30 — The Next Day
It’s a bright, beautiful, clear, sunny day in Denver, Colorado. For an October day, the birds are singing, and all the leaves on the trees are a golden yellow. Speer Boulevard is crowded as always, but for a different reason today. Nine out of ten cars are making the right hand turn from Speer onto Chopper Lane and heading for the Pepsi Center parking lot. Our gang arrives in a limo, which was part of the radio station deal. Krycek is wearing all his hockey gear, (and this time is wearing a Washington Capitals jersey with ‘Krycek’ and the number 39 printed on the back) and has his nose pressed against the window of the limo.
KRYCEK
Wow! Look at all those people, streaming
into the Pepsi Center, thinking their team is gonna win.CERASI
Our team is gonna win, you dumbass.KRYCEK
Was anyone talking to you?MULDER
All right Super Buddies, let’s not fight!
We’re here to have fun and to watch a fun hockey game!CERASI
(snorts)
Fine, you’re here to watch a fun hockey g
ame, I’m here to watch the Av’s
beat the crap out of Washington!SKINNER
You take that back!CERASI
Never!Cerasi and the Skin-Man are about to get into it, but suddenly, the limo stops. Everyone turns to look out the window; they’ve stopped in front of the Center. It’s a clean building, very neat and tidy and new in architecture.
EVERYONE
Ooooooh.CERASI
(opens her door)
LAST ONE OUT HAS TO… um… KISS KRYCEK!Everyone bolts from the limo and scampers up to the doors; even the limo driver has jumped out. After the dust settles, Krycek and Mulder are the only ones left in the car.
MULDER
Hi!KRYCEK
Oh, I’m so outta here.Krycek steps out of the limo. Of course, all of the fans gathered outside the doors notice the people getting out the limo. One fan in particular sees Krycek’s hockey gear and jersey.
AVALANCHE FAN #1
HEY! HE PLAYS FOR THE CAPS!CROWD OF RABID AVALANCHE FANS
BOO!!!CERASI
BOOOOO!!!KRISTI
Um, yeah! BOOO!!!Cassie is attempting to click the heels of her tennis shoes together.
CASSIE
(muttering)
There’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home…The crowd surges forward as they open the doors to the Pepsi Center, our gang, being VIPs, are ushered through before all the ticket-buying Coloradans. Monica and Dana stand in awe, gazing about at all the Avalanche and Nuggets (puke!) memorabilia.
SCULLY
Wow, this place is huge!MONICA
Uh oh, look!Monica points at the large glass windows, where a crowd of crazied ‘Lanche fans have begun throwing souvenir hockey pucks, programs, hot pretzels, hats, and the occasional cup of beer at Krycek, the Wanna-be Washington Cap. Monica and Dana quickly decide it would be best if they traded in their own Washington gear for a Joe Sakic t-shirt and Avalanche Zambeani. They quickly scamper off to the Pepsi Center Trading Company to waste some of their hard-earned paychecks.
NOTE TO READER: A Zambeani is a bean-bag toy shaped like a zamboni. Also, the Pepsi Center Trading Company is a retail store inside the Pepsi Center where you can buy all sorts of cool Avalanche stuff.
Monica and Dana emerge from the Trading Company decked from head-to-toe in the home team’s navy blue and burgany. Brad spots Monica from across the room, where he is purchasing a program.
BRAD
Trader.Monica sticks her tongue out at him. We pan around and notice that Krycek has finally escaped the mob of rabid hockey fans.
KRYCEK
(brushes off his shirt)
God! They messed up my duds!SCULLY
(holds her nose)
And you smell like beer.Suddenly, a man approaches them. He is wearing dark sunglasses and a finely tailored suit. He is wearing one of those cool thingies in his ear and sort of looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix. He grabs Krycek by the arm and pulls him close.
ASSISTANT COACH
(whispers)
What are you doing up here? You were
supposed to be on the ice
for warm-ups a half-hour ago!KRYCEK
Uhh… what?ASSISTANT COACH
(looks at the back of Krycek’s jersey)
You’re Krycek, right?KRYCEK
(now is kinda freaked)
Yeah, I am. But I swear to God,
whatever’s wrong, I didn’t do it!ASSISTANT COACH
(ignores the last sentence)
And you’re from Russia?KRYCEK
(glances at Monica)
No, I’m Swedish! You know, FRUM SWEEDDEEENNN!!!ASSISTANT COACH
Yeah, right, c’mon. You’re late
for warm-up and the coach is pissed.The assistant coach begins pulling Krycek toward the area marked “Players, Staff and Coaches Only!” Krycek begins to freak out.
KRYCEK
Whoa! Wait! You think I play for the
Caps?! No, man! This is all a big mistake!
You see, I’m just wearing this
gear so I can pick up chicks!Brad reaches out and taps the A.C. on the shoulder.
BRAD
Excuse me, there’s been a mistake, this
Special Agent Alex Krycek of the FBI,
he’s with us, he doesn’t play for the NHL-…ASSISTANT COACH
No, I’m sorry, you’re the one who’s
mistaken. This is Alexei Krycek from Russia,
the Caps just picked him up on a trade
with Minnesota, he’s the best center this
team has had in a long time. And you know
what? He’s late for practice and my boss
is really mad at me right now, so I
have to get him down to the
locker room for the team briefing.The A.C. pulls Krycek into the corridor without another word.
BRAD
Uh oh.MULDER
(salutes)
God-Speed, Sasha!CERASI
(snickering)
This is gonna be soooo funny.CUT TO: INT. PEPSI CENTER — BOX SEATS
The gangs has been escorted to their special boxed seats, they can see the entire rink from their seats. Their box is completely enclosed, heated and has a table with cheese pizzas, pitchers of beer and other snacks for the VIPs. Mulder bolts into the room.
MULDER
(gasp)
HONEY ROASTED PEANUTS!He grabs a handful and crams then in his mouth.
MULDER
(chewing)
MMM!!!The rest of the gang enters the box. Scully is glancing around, worried.
SCULLY
What are we going to do about Krycek? He
can’t play hockey! He’s gonna be killed!DOGGETT
(mumbles)
Good.SCULLY
What was that?DOGGETT
Er… ahh… I said, we should
figure out a way to help him.SCULLY
I agree.CASSIE
(mumbling)
There’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home…Monica rushes to large windows overseeing the Pepsi Center ice.
MONICA
OOH! DANA, LOOK!She points up at the JumboTron where they are showing clips of some different Avalanche games, Peter Forsberg is shown, smiling and congradulating some teammates on a win.
SCULLY
Oooohhh…CERASI
OHMIGOD, IT’S PETER FORSBERG!KRISTI
Oh, will you shut up?! I am so
sick of hearing about that guy!Cerai pouts.
CUT TO: INT. — WASHINGTON CAPITALS LOCKER ROOM
KRYCEK
But I’m telling you! I can’t play
hockey, man; I just dressed up as a
hockey guy to pick up Swedish chicks!ASSISTANT COACH
Yeah, save it. We know you were
just trying to get out of practice.He shoves Krycek through door leading to the locker room, all the players are sitting on bench, listening to the coach dole out their lines.
ASSISTANT COACH
I found him, Coach, hangin’ out
with some pretty girls upstairs.The Coach looks up.
COACH
KRYCEK! There you are! You missed
warm-ups! Did you get lost at the
airport? What took you so long to get here?KRYCEK
(stuttering)
No! You don’t understand! I don’t play-…
COACH
What don’t I understand? That you didn’t
get here in time, and the game starts in ten minutes?He looks Krycek up and down.
COACH
(rolls his eyes)
At least you’re in your gear… for God’s sake.KRYCEK
Errr… I… I don’t know how to play hockey!CAPS PLAYER #1
We know you’re trying to fake that
spleen injury again, Krycek,
so just can the excuses!COACH
Listen up! We know that the Avalanche
first line is going to kick our ass
pretty badly. But if we can get in the
slot on the Swiss Miss, then we
should be able to pull off a win!KRYCEK
(whispers to nearest player)
What’s a slot? And a Swiss Miss?
Are they serving hot chocolate?CAPS PLAYER #2
Err… (Gets up, and moves to a different bench)COACH
All right Caps, now let’s go show
them how we play hockey in D.C.! Krycek,
you’re center on the first line!KRYCEK
(pales)
Wha-…Krycek passes out.
COACH
There he goes again! Trying to get
out of playing! Get the
man some smelling salts!The players, however, decide instead to use their own method, and slap Krycek back into consciousness.
KRYCEK
(screams)
MOMMY!COACH
Err… ahh… GET ON THE ICE!CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER — CENTER ICE
Krycek really doesn’t have any choice except to get out to the ice, play, fake an injury and go upstairs and have some pizza with the Super Buddies. Krycek turns to the coach once more to try to convice him he’s not who he seems he is.
KRYCEK
But Coach! I’m telling you!
I’m not the real Krycek!The Coach pushes Krycek out onto the ice.
COACH
You used that one last week, Krycek!Krycek whimpers and shuffles out to center ice. The lights glow brighter, the crowd is cheering and going nuts and Krycek’s about to have a breakdown. The Linesman skates over.
LINESMAN
C’mon, get out to center ice,
this game is running late!Krycek slowly makes his way out toward center ice and stands in front of Avalanche captain Joe Sakic.
KRYCEK
(nerviously)
Heh, my friend Dana really likes you…SAKIC
(ignores him)
You’re goin’ down, Krycek! You’re gonna
pay for what you did to Tanguay last year!KRYCEK
(pales again)
I think I’m going to wet myself!LINESMAN
All right, save it for later, boys!KRYCEK
(screams)
I’M GONNA DIE!SAKIC
What the… ?The buzzer sounds and the puck falls to the ice, but Sakic is so dumbfounded by Krycek’s outburst that he just stands there. Krycek kicks the puck to a Washington teammate and tries to skate away, but is instantly hip-checked by the oncoming Peter Forsberg.
CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— BOX SEATS
CERASI
WOO! ALL RIGHT!CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— ICE
KRYCEK
AHHH! MOMMY!Krycek tries to skate out of the way of Right-Winger Dan Hinote and is body-checked into the boards.
CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— BOX SEATS
SCULLY
Poor Krycek! He’s getting beat up!We pan behind Scully’s shoulder, where Mulder takes another handful of peanuts, crams them in his mouth and quietly sneaks out the door. Doggett leans over to Skinner.
DOGGETT
Hey, Q-Ball, bet you fifty bucks Krycek
is dead before the second period!SKINNER
(blinks)
id you just call me Q-Ball?DOGGETT
Err…SKINNER
IT’S A BET!CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— ICE
Krycek is slipping and sliding on the ice, he’s trying to get used to his hockey skates. He jerks backward and his stick flies upward, smaking Defenseman Adam Foote in the face with his stick. Foote falls to the ice, his nose bloodied. The ref blows his whistle, makes the hand motion for High-Sticking and points at Krycek. Alex has just earned himself two minutes in the box.
KRYCEK
(skates up to Foote Whoops!
Sorry! It was an accident!FOOTE
(growls)
PRICK!Foote throws down his gloves and stick and before Alex really knows what’s happening, Foote tackles Krycek and begins to pummel him. After a moment the ref pulls Foote off of Sasha. Sasha is lying on the ice Paul Kariya style, battered, bruised and bloody.
REFEREE
(looks down at Krycek)
Man, you look like crap!Krycek looks like he is waking up from a nightmare. He looks bewildered. Reality kicks in and he glances around quickly and nerviously. He makes eye contact with the ref.
KRYCEK
OH MY GOD, THEY’RE STEALING MY UNDERPANTS!REFEREE
Err…Krycek pulls himself to his feet, picks up his stick and tries to skate off.
REFEREE
Hold it, Krycek! Two minutes in
the box for high-sticking!KRYCEK
WHAT?! YOU DARE TO PUT ME IN THE BOX!?REFEREE
GET TO THE BOX!KRYCEK
Yes, of course! (hurries off, scared)CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— BOX SEATS
BRAD
Did you see that? That Foote guy
really kicked Krycek’s butt!MONICA
Yeah, wasn’t that awesome?DOGGETT
(turns to Mulder) Did you see that?
(blinks) Hey—where the hell is Mulder?CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— GLASS BEHIND AEBISCHER’S NET
Mulder wanders down to ice-level, his autograph book in hand. He approaches the glass behind Avalanche goalie David Aebischer. Mulder beats on the glass.
MULDER
(yelling)
HEY MR. GOALIE MAN!Aebischer ignores him and Mulder thinks that Aebischer must not be able to hear him. Looking around, Mulder spots an empty popcorn tub. He turns it upside down and climbs onto it. He jumps as high as can and grabs onto the edge of the glass and peers down at the Swiss goalie.
MULDER
MR. GOALIE MAN!AEBISCHER
(turns around)
What the hell?MULDER
MR. GOALIE MAN! I THINK
YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB!AEBISCHER
Huh? Go away! Can’t you see I’m busy?Aebischer is not busy, as the play has been stopped so they can fix Adam Foote’s nose.
MULDER
MR. GOALIE MAN! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!AEBISCHER
Get out of here, before I kick your ass!MULDER
MY FRIEND JOHN CALLS YOU THE SWISS MISS!
DO YOU DRINK A LOT OF HOT CHOCOLATE?
AEBISCHER
NO! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!MULDER
MR. GOALIE MAN! DO YOU WANT
TO JOIN SUPER BUDDIES?AEBISCHER
What’s that, some kind of cult?MULDER
(gasps)
NO! Super Buddies is a big group of
friends and we do fun stuff together!
Like go to hockey games, and
go on camping trips and stuff!AEBISCHER
(annoyed)
I don’t want to join your
stupid cult! Now leave me alone!MULDER
(getting teary eyed)
Super Buddies isn’t a cult! We have lots
of fun and we’re all good friends!AEBISCHER
THAT’S IT!Aebischer leaves the safety of his crease, reaches up to Mulder and hauls his butt down onto the ice. Mulder screams.
AEBISCHER
YOU’RE MY BITCH NOW, PENCIL NECK!The buzzer sounds. The game is starting again. Aebischer glances around frantically. Abby throws Mulder into his net.
AEBISCHER
I’ll deal with your skinny ass later!MULDER
AHHHH!!!Krycek, fresh from the box, skates to the face off circle in the Avalanche zone to start the play. In the background, we can see Mulder attempting to escape from Aebischer’s Net of Doom, Abby, however, has other ideas. He thwaps Mulder with his blocker stick and shoves him back into the net. Krycek puts his stick on the ice, a bit more confident now. The puck hits the ice and the crowd goes quiet as the game resumes. Krycek finally gets the puck on the blade of his stick, dekes to the left and somehow manages to pull of a break-away.
KRYCEK
I’M DOIN’ IT! I CAN’T
BELIEVE I’M DOIN’ IT!!KOLZIG
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? WRONG
NET, YOU IDIOT! GO THE OTHER WAY!Krycek, however, doesn’t pay attention. As he knows is the cold wind against his cheeks, the give of the ice under his blades, the roar of the crowd in his ears as he quickly zooms toward the goalie.
KRYCEK
I’M DOING IT!Krycek pulls his arm back and brings his stick level with his shoulder. He puts all his weight on his stick as the puck glides into posistion. There’s a deafening crack as the stick hits the puck and Krycek’s monster slap-shot makes the red light come on and the horn sounds as the goal judges confirm the goal. The crowd looks confused for a moment then quickly starts to cheer.
KRYCEK
YEAAHHH! I’M DA MAN!KOLZIG
YOU FREAKIN’ IDIOT!KRYCEK
Yeaahhh, you’re just jealous ‘cause
you’re not a Russian Love Machine!KOLZIG
No, you MORON, you just
scored for THE OTHER TEAM!KRYCEK
Aw, hell.In a vain attempt to cover his screw up, Krycek quickly skates to center ice, shoving several celebrating Av’s players out of the way and motions for Aebischer to come out and get his medicine.
AEBISCHER
(to himself)
Is this guy for real?KRYCEK
C’MON AND GET SOME, YOU SWISS MISS!AEBISCHER
ARGH! DON’T CALL ME THAT!Aebischer grinds his teeth and grabs Mulder’s collar.
AEBISCHER
Come on, bitch!He hauls Mulder out to center ice with him. Krycek shakes off his gloves and puts up his fists.
KRYCEK
YOU WANT SOME?! HUH?! YOU FREAKIN’
WANT SOME?! WHO’S ‘YO DADDY?!In response, Abby slides to a stop and decides to play a little game of crack-the-whip. With a mighty swing, Abby sends Mulder flying across the ice.
MULDER
AHHHHH!!Mulder collides with Krycek, sending him crashing to the ice.
MULDER
Owwie…KRYCEK
Mulder? What the hell are
you doing down here?MULDER
I don’t feel so good. (passes out)AEBISCHER
Oh well.CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— BOX SEATS
DOGGETT
This is the most screwed-up
hockey game I’ve ever seen!CERASI
You’re telling me!MONICA
All they’re doing is fighting!
Men are such Neanderthals!Brad glances at Monica.
BRAD
That’s not what you said last night…Monica giggles.
CERASI
RIGHT, anyway…CUT TO: INT. PEPSI CENTER — ICE
Krycek wakes up on the bench.
KRYCEK
What—WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?COACH
What the hell were you thinking?KRYCEK
I DEMAND TO BE PUT BACK ON THE ICE!
I’m a Russian hockey star!COACH
You’re not going back on the ice.
And who is this guy, anyways?The Coach points at Mulder, who’s curled up under the bench, sucking his thumb and snuggling a brown teddy bear wearing a burgandy Colorado Avalanche sweater.
COACH
He wouldn’t calm down until he got his
teddy bear, so we had to hawk
one from a kid in the stands!KRYCEK
(shrugs)
I don’t know, he’s just some loser.
I’ve never seen him before in my life.Mulder wakes up.
MULDER
But Sasha! How can you say that?!
We live together! You’re my
favorite Super Buddy!Krycek kicks Mulder.
MULDER
OW!VOICE (O.S.)
HEY! THAT GUY STOLE MY JERSEY!Everyone turns to look at the owner of the voice. He’s tall, dark and handsome. He sort of looks like Sergei Fedrov of Anaheim, (by way of Detriot). Suddenly, everyone realizes that this is the real Krycek.
ALEXEI KRYCEK
(storms over to our Krycek)
Who do you think you are?!
You’re impersonating me!KRYCEK
Erm… uh…COACH
Wait a second… (looks at Krycek)
… you’re not the real Krycek?KRYCEK
I TOLD YOU THAT!COACH
NO YOU DIDN’T!MULDER
Yes, he did!COACH
You stay out of this!MULDER
Oh. Okay. (turns to Alexei) Hi!ALEXEI
Uh. Hi.MULDER
Do you want to join Super Buddies?ALEXEI
Get bent.Mulder sniffles.
ALEXEI
o.OMulder starts sobbing. The Coach and the rest of the Captials players sitting on the bench look startled.
ALEXEI
(startled)
Uh, oh, all right, fine! I’ll
join! How much does it cost?MULDER
(happy)
It doesn’t cost anything!
(shakes Alexei’s hand)
Welcome to Super Buddies!CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— BOX SEATS
Cerasi is holding a pair of binoculars, she can see into the player’s benches below.
DOGGETT
(over her shoulder)
What do you see?CUT TO: — POV: CERASI
Inside the classic over lapping circles we can see that Cerasi is staring into the Avalanche player’s bench. She is eyeing Paul Kariya.
CERASI
Mmm… eye candy.DOGGETT
Wha-…? Oh for God’s sake, Cerasi,
stop ogling the hockey players!KRISTI
I want to ogle some hockey players!MONICA
Me too!SCULLY
Me three!CASSIE
Is Nick Stokes a hockey player?ALL
NO!CASSIE
(sad)
Oh.CUT TO: INT. — PEPSI CENTER— CAPITALS LOCKER ROOM
KRYCEK
(to Coach, sad)
So I guess this means that… I
don’t get to play anymore, huh?COACH
Yes, thank God.KRYCEK
But you know, there’s really nothing like it…Mulder, who is writing the name of his new Super Buddy into his Super Buddies notebook, looks up.
MULDER
Nothing like what, Sasha?KRYCEK
Like… flying down that ice… the cold,
crisp wind in your hair… the slide
of your skates on the ice…MULDER
(mumbling)
… crazy Swiss goalies…KRYCEK
… hearing the crowd cheer for you and your team…COACH
They were only cheering because they
knew that a dumbass Caps player
was about to score for their team.KRYCEK
Must you dump on everything I do?TIME CUT: After the game
INT. — PEPSI CENTER
Our gang is heading for the doors. The game is over, the Av’s have won over the Caps 2-1.
BRAD
I’m surprised that the Avalanche credited
their first goal to you, Krycek.DOGGETT
Me too.KRYCEK
Yeah, but I learned something tonight.MULDER
LOOK EVERYONE! PATRICK ROY!All the heads turn in all different directions at once.
EVERYONE
WHERE?!Mulder points up at a huge piece of hanging art attached by big cables. The art is a goaltender and a basketball player.
CERASI
Dude, that’s not Patrick Roy.MULDER
Yes, it is!CERASI
No, it’s not!MULDER
Yes, it is!CERASI
No, it’s not!MULDER
Yes, it is!CERASI
No, it’s not!MULDER
Yes, it is!CERASI
Fine, it’s Patrick Roy.MULDER
See? Told you! (sticks out his tongue)KRISTI
Well, what did you learn, Krycek?KRYCEK
I learned that… you should always
be yourself, you shouldn’t
try to be someone you’re not.CERASI
Here, here!MONICA
I’m really hungry, I saw a bar and grill across the street.SCULLY
LAST ONE THERE IS… a… DIRTY AVALANCHE FAN!Everyone bolts for the doors, except Cerasi, who’s proud of being a dirty Avalanche fan. She smirks as she takes her time getting to the door.
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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Specical thanks to Jeremy, my bro, for the help with Abby the Swiss Miss, (lol!)
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