Review By: Cerasi J. |
 |
Title: "My Shirt Isn't Undies"
Written by: Cassie
Date: First Draft - June 3 - 5, 2003. Final Draft - July 15, 2003
Air Date: September 29, 2003
Rating: PG-13 (language and situations)
Series: FRVS - Episode #104
Spoilers: Small reference to "Fearful Symmetry". Small references to "The Exorcist". Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: We love it. Please e-mail us at frvs.feedback@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The following is what happens when I lurk around on the Scuttlebutts mailing list and read handfuls of fanfic posted to the group and find Scully/Reyes fanfic all in one day :)
Summary: Skinner and Scully decide that they need to hang out and repair their friendship after some difficulties today and previous days.
FADE IN:
INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE - 11 A.M.
Skinner is sitting at his desk. He's doing absolutely nothing. His hands are resting on his desk. He's staring into nothingness.
It is so quiet in his office, all we hear is a clock ticking.
His intercom buzzes.
KIM COOK
Sir. Agents Scully and Mulder
are here to see you.
Skinner presses the button on his intercom to reply to his assistant.
SKINNER
Send them in.
Skinner quickly picks up his telephone and begins to speak, pretending he is having an important conversation. Scully and Mulder enter the office.
SKINNER
(on phone)
Yes, I understand. (beat) I'll get
that out to you first thing tomorrow
morning. (beat) Yes, I understand. (beat)
As an Assistant Director, I can tell
you there's much more going on than
having time to sit around and twittle my thumbs.
Skinner "angrily" hangs up his phone. He looks to Mulder and Scully.
SKINNER
Please, have a seat.
MULDER
Sir, if there's anything I or Agent
Scully can do to help -
SKINNER
- That's quite all right, Agent Mulder.
I called you two in here because of a
concern brought to my attention by
Deputy Director Kersh.
SCULLY
What concern would that be, sir?
SKINNER
At our last directors meeting, the Deputy
Director voiced his concern about Agent
Mulder unofficially making Agent Krycek his
partner. As it states in official Bureau
paperwork, you, Agent Scully, are Agent
Mulder's partner. Not Alex Krycek.
MULDER
Sir, I think I need to return to your attention
that Agent Scully was officially assigned to
Agent Doggett and myself with Agent
Krycek back in 2000.
There is a pause of hesitation.
SKINNER
What I'm saying is the Bureau would like
for Agent Scully to return to your office
instead of spending hours on end in the
company of Agents Doggett and Reyes.
SCULLY
(unhappy)
Do I get a desk?
SKINNER
No. Agent Mulder has requested that as
long as that basement office is his, that
there be only one desk.
Mulder looks at Scully, a smirk on his face. Mulder is happy. Scully gives him a blank look.
SCULLY
I understand.
Scully stands up and leaves the office angry. Mulder starts giggling. Skinner looks at him questioningly.
SKINNER
What's so amusing, Agent Mulder?
MULDER
It's just funny. When Diana was on the
x-files, she had her own desk and she and
I shared an office but because I like to pick
on Scully sometimes... I keep refusing to
allow more than one desk in my office.
Mulder gets up and leaves, laughing. Skinner rolls his eyes. A beat later, there's a knock on the office door.
SKINNER
Yes?
The door opens and Kim Cook stands in the doorway.
KIM COOK
Sir, if we could speak professionally for a moment.
SKINNER
Go on.
KIM COOK
I'm concerned about Agent Scully. There
have been one too many times I've seen
her leave your office either upset or angry.
SKINNER
There's nothing I can do about her mood problem.
KIM COOK
Walter... I know there was one time you called
her up here to do a job that I was hired to do.
A rumor went around that was saying you asked
her to do it because you told her you thought
she had gained weight.
SKINNER
(lying)
I never did that.
Kim gives him a doubtful look.
KIM COOK
I think it's time you stop picking on her
because you feel bad that she caught
you cheating on her with that U.N. girl.
Skinner looks at Kim. He knows that she is right. CUT TO:
EXT - MULDER/KRYCEK'S OFFICE - 11:17 A.M.
Doggett is walking down the hallway, heading to his and Monica's office. As he nears Mulder and Krycek's office he hears elephant noises.
Doggett cocks an eyebrow and stops walking. He doesn't want to pass their open door and be seen and dragged into whatever activity Mumbo and Jumbo are up to now.
At the end of the hallway, Monica exits the Janitor's Lounge. She stops walking upon hearing the elephant noises. Her eyes meet Doggett's.
Monica mouths off "what is that?", Doggett replies by shrugging his shoulders.
Monica tip-toes by Mulder and Krycek's office and goes unnoticed. She goes to John.
MONICA
Are you afraid to pass their door, Johnny?
DOGGETT
I see you are. Haven't seen you tip-toe
since you decided to run away from
home to join the Brady Bunch family.
MONICA
Anyway, Skinner upset Dana again.
She's moping about in the Janitor's Lounge.
DOGGETT
It's been awhile since he's done that,
what's it about this time?
MONICA
Something about Mulder and a desk.
DOGGETT
Hmmm...
Doggett walks straight to the Janitor's Lounge. He enters just as Krycek steps out of his office.
KRYCEK
Hey Monica... Mulder taped this special
on the Discovery Channel last night.
Wanna watch it with us?
MONICA
Not unless it has something to do
with a x-file case.
Mulder pops his head out of the office.
MULDER
Well several years ago Scully and I
investigated a case about zoo animals
that were abducted by aliens.
MONICA
Actually I'm meeting a friend for lunch.
I need to leave now, sorry.
She walks off.
KRYCEK
Meeting with Brad? Are you going
to have sex in his office?
MULDER
Alexander! You shouldn't ask such
personal questions.
KRYCEK
I do what I want.
MULDER
Yeah... me too.
Mulder stares off at the ceiling in "deep thought". Krycek returns to the office.
KRYCEK
So Mulder. I think we need to do something
bad to Mr. Alfredo to get our Marita - um -
Hawaiian Bunny video back.
MULDER
Ya don't say.
They look at each other devilishly, twinkles in their eyes. CUT TO:
INT - JANITOR'S LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS
Scully is seated on the couch, she's watching Jerry Springer. We see the topic of discussion is "My boss used me for a good shag and now that it's over I'm still being screwed" (long topic, I know). She doesn't notice when Doggett enters and walks over to the coffee machine.
SCULLY
(to TV/angry)
Yeah! You go girl! Tell
that ass who's boss!
Doggett can't help but chuckle, he takes his cup of coffee and joins her on the couch.
DOGGETT
You got plans for lunch, Agent Scully?
SCULLY
Nope. Well... actually I'm considering
writing up my letter of resignation and
taking it up to Skinner and then
bitch-slapping him across the face for
being such a prick.
DOGGETT
Are you serious?
SCULLY
About bitch-slappping him? No.
About resigning? Yes.
DOGGETT
You mean to tell me that you wanna
leave this musty ol' basement for some
office with a window and a good view?
He takes a sip of coffee.
SCULLY
Well, I do have my medical background
to back me up. It's not like that limits me
to being a special agent assigned to the
x-files in which case we never really get cases
to work on so being assigned down here really
isn't professinally challenging.
Doggett knows where she is coming from. Before he was mysteriously assigned to the x-files division, he was working his way up the ladder to the Directorship.
SCULLY
John...?
Doggett looks at her.
DOGGETT
I don't blame ya for wanting to leave.
It's just... I can't imagine facing this
division without you.
SCULLY
You've got Monica.
DOGGETT
Not a skeptic like yourself.
SCULLY
(laughs)
Right and then there's Mumbo
and Jumbo. Also not of the skeptic group.
Doggett and Scully's attention is brought back to the TV when they hear a redundancy of beeping. They watch Jerry Springer bouncers tear a tiny red-head off her former boss.
DOGGETT
Interesting topic for Springer. (beat)
This what got you considering resigning?
SCULLY
Fortunately, no.
Doggett watches her with interest and concern.
SCULLY
Skinner told me that I need to officially
spend work time in the office of Mulder
and Krycek. Not with you and Monica.
DOGGETT
You're officially my partner.
SCULLY
I know.
Doggett sets down his coffee and places his hand on Scully's.
DOGGETT
(hesitative)
Maybe they're splitting us up because
of something else... something Bureau
policy could frown upon...
Scully looks into his eyes.
SCULLY
John...
The door to the Janitor's Lounge opens. The Janitor enters.
JANITOR
Hmm. I see. More special agents
thinking that the sign on this door
reads "Special Agents Lounge".
The Janitor points to the sign on the outside of the door it reads "Janitors Lounge".
JANITOR
Now unless you want to help me fix
the toilets in the men's room, I suggest
you go relax elsewhere.
He walks over to the TV and switches it off, to make his point. Scully and Doggett stand up.
SCULLY
Sorry sir.
JANITOR
Sorry, I'm sure. You're only sorry I
interrupted you two. Don't think I
don't know your sexual reputation Miss Scully.
Scully's jaw drops.
JANITOR
That's right. The rumors get to me too.
It's good to have to refill the water jugs
in the Deputy Director's office while
gossiping secretaries are there... I know
everything... everything.
Doggett grabs Scully by the arm and pulls her out of the Janitor's Lounge. They head into Doggett and Monica's office.
SCULLY
How can a man I've never seen
before know my evil self?
She sits down behind Doggett's desk.
DOGGETT
We all have an evil self. Fortunately
we graduate from college and it goes
away... well it's supposed to anyway,
usually takes more than college graduation though.
SCULLY
What are you talking about?
DOGGETT
I know it's hard to believe, but I once
had a bad reputation as a player.
SCULLY
Well, at least your reputation leaves
you alone, mine is stuck on me like glue.
Scully begins typing a letter of resignation. Doggett sits at Monica's desk. CUT TO:
EXT - PARK - 12:15 P.M.
Monica is sitting at a picnic table, there's a tap on her shoulder. Monica turns around to face her friend, Barbara Doggett.
MONICA
Hi Barbara, I was beginning to think
you forgot to meet me today.
BARBARA
You know how it is, sometimes
a day needs fourty hours instead of twenty-four.
Monica stands up and hugs her friend.
MONICA
It's been years, you look great.
What have you been up to lately?
The two women sit down at the picnic table.
BARBARA
Gosh... I've got four years to tell you
about. I recently bought new furniture,
did a small make-over of the house.
MONICA
Did you decide to get a garden gnome or not?
Barbara laughs.
BARBARA
No, I think the thought of garden decorations
was a phase. Something I went through after
the divorce. Well, I did get a bird bath.
MONICA
That doesn't really count as a decoration
since it serves an important purpose.
BARBARA
Imagine what the birds would do to a gnome.
MONICA
So you seeing anyone new?
BARBARA
Yes, actually.
Monica smiles. She is glad that Barbara has been able to get over the death or her's and John's son and their divorce. It's been twn years. Some people never come near recovering from such a loss.
BARBARA
His name is Jack. He's a lawyer.
MONICA
How'd you meet?
BARBARA
Did you ever meet Vicki Wells?
Monica nods her head.
BARBARA
Jack is a friend of Vicki and Martin.
We met at a barbeque Martin had
to celebrate a victory. Martin introduced
us and it was like we had known each
other all our lives.
MONICA
That's great to hear. I'll have to meet
him one of these days.
BARBARA
Now that you're back up in D.C...
have you seen Brad lately?
MONICA
Yes, actually. We're engaged.
Monica shows Barbara her hand with the diamond engagement ring.
BARBARA
Congradulations Mon'. When do you
plan to have the ceremony?
MONICA
We haven't decided yet. Infact, you're
the first friend I've told. We kinda want
to let family know first and then friends.
You know how my family is and his is
just the same, for the most part.
BARBARA
You mean to tell me you haven't told John?
Monica shakes her head.
BARBARA
Speaking of John. How's he doing these days?
MONICA
He's good. Still holding himself back.
BARBARA
Very John. So I haven't spoken to him
for a few years, is he sitting high in
the Director's chair?
MONICA
No. I think a certain Deputy Director
was feeling the pressure and had him
transferred to the basement to a very
little known division. He's been there since 2000.
BARBARA
Three years? It isn't like John to continue
on when he knows someone is purposely
holding him down. Why doesn't he go
back to the P.D.?
MONICA
I have two theories on that. One, in this
division he has a lot more free time to
dig around on Luke's case, which makes
me feel bad because I was the head
investigator on the case. Two, a petit
red-head named Dana Scully.
BARBARA
Red-head. Hmm... he isn't in denial
this time that Doggett men have always
fallen for red-heads, is he?
MONICA
No.
BARBARA
You should warn her about his stubborness.
MONICA
She knows. She likes him too.
BARBARA
(joking)
What are you Mon', head of the
rumor mill at the F.B.I.?
MONICA
I live with her, she's very open to
any discussion so I've had my
share of Johnny Jay discussions.
BARBARA
So she knows his mother thinks
red-heads are spawn of the Devil and
all about Super Sperm, right?
MONICA
(laughing)
No. So far I've been able to keep
those two out of conversation.
Barbara laughs.
BARBARA
Good plan. You don't want to scare
her away from him right away.
Monica pauses to think.
MONICA
I don't think Dana would feel intimidated
by Ma Doggett. She's a strong woman.
BARBARA
What about the Theory of the Super Sperm?
MONICA
John'll deal with that one if he ever works
up the nerve to get involved with her.
BARBARA
He's holding back because of Luke?
MONICA
That's gradually fading away. He almost
asked her out this past summer.
BARBARA
What went wrong?
MONICA
He was up on the Eiffel Tower and you
know him and that fear of heights.
BARBARA
He let a setting like the Eiffel Tower slip by?
Monica twirls the engagement ring on her finger.
MONICA
That's where Brad proposed to me. Up
on the third level. It was perfect.
BARBARA
That's so romantic. Did he get down on one knee?
MONICA
No. We were looking out on the city. He
wrapped his arms around my waist and
said he had been thinking about us,
and then he asked me to marry him.
It was perfect.
Monica sighs happily.
BARBARA
That's wonderful. (beat) Not to ruin the
mood but this takes me back to when
John proposed to me. (imitates) 'Hey,
Barbara, sorry I knocked you up, but as
a man of respect, I'll ask you to be my wife.'
(quits imitation) Of course I said yes, I was
only nineteen, my parents would have been
so mad if we didn't.
MONICA
(uncomfortable)
Yeah...
BARBARA
Sorry, I make it sound like we weren't in
love. We were, but love didn't last forever
with us. I'm sure it will for you and Brad.
You two have been together off and on since
high school. If you don't love him after all
that time, you're crazy.
MONICA
(looks at engagement ring)
I do love him, Barbara. He's the best
thing that has ever happened to me.
Off their looks. CUT TO:
INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE - 4:44 P.M.
Skinner is at his desk, reading Scully's letter of resignation. Scully sits in front of him, very professional, hands in her lap. There is tension in the air. This came as a surprise to Skinner.
SKINNER
(reading)
Your male arrogance makes me sick in the
stomach, sir. I see the way you look at your
assistant and it makes me want to throw rotten
eggs on your bald head in the middle of a desert
so they cook on you and you smell as rotten as you are.
He looks up from her letter. Scully is now looking down and her hands. She's unable to look at him. John was right, he should have proof read this thing before she brought it up here all proud-like. Damn her stubborness.
SKINNER
Agent Scully... I can't accept this letter of
resignation. It's obviously written carelessly
and off of your gut reaction from earlier today.
SCULLY
Then what am I supposed to do, sir? Walk out
of the Bureau and never come back? Believe
me, I can do that.
SKINNER
But you won't. (beat) Dana. You're a good
agent. We can't afford to loose you.
SCULLY
I do nothing.
SKINNER
Your medical background has saved countless
lives not only of our own agents but also
those of the community.
SCULLY
Then explain to me why I'm treated
as if I don't belong.
Skinner doesn't know how to respond. Part of it is The Group of conspiring men, part of it is him being an asshold because he feels bad that she caught him having an affair. Part of it is Mulder's stupid "one-desk-only" request.
SCULLY
I'm not the only one in that basement that
feels held down my the Bureau's hierarcy.
(beat) Insecure men in high power hold down
John because he was a threat in their climb up
the ladder. Sire, the x-files division provides us no
way out. We're stuck, no promotions, bull-shit cases,
no chance to prove ourselves. The fact that my
medical skills are what make me a good agent
in your eyes, tells me that perhaps I chose the
wrong profession. Maybe I should persue medicine
instead of the truth about - aliens, mutants, leprachauns,
missing sisters, butt genies, demons, telekenesis,
the lochness monster, Big Foot, the Bermuda Triangle,
Marilyn Manson, the occult, ESP and babies born
with tails. I'm qualified for more than that as is Agent Doggett.
SKINNER
I see.
SCULLY
Mulder and Monica are well qualified. Mulder
discovered the x-files with Diana Fowley, he's
a believer and wants to know truths and Monica
has a background in ritualistic crime. Now Krycek,
I don't even know why he's down there. I don't
even think he's been through Quantico.
Scully pauses to catch her breath.
SKINNER
So this isn't about you resigning, but about
being assigned to the wrong division for
your particular skills?
SCULLY
And I'd like a desk of my own. Perhaps
an office... with a nameplate on the door...
Special Agent Dana Scully.
Skinner lets out a sigh.
SKINNER
What if I told you I'd look into some kind
of transfer or for you to get your own
office and desk?
Scully's eyes brighten. She never thought she'd hear those words come out of his mouth.
SCULLY
Sir, if I weren't trying to be so professional
right now, I would have planted a big
wet one on your lips.
SKINNER
(laughs)
There. You just broke professionalism, Dana.
Scully hops out of her chair and runs to the other side of the desk and kisses Skinner on the lips, he blushes.
SKINNER
Nothing's definite, but I'll see what I can do.
Scully heads to the door.
SKINNER
(serious)
Dana...
Hearing seriousness in his tone of voice, she returns to him. She takes a seat.
SCULLY
Yes?
SKINNER
I want to apologize for treating you with little
respect in the past several months. (beat) I don't
know why, but... but I haven't treated you as I should
after you caught me with Marita. Maybe I'm in denial
that I was the one that screwed us up.
Skinner looks away from her.
SCULLY
I don't know what to say.
Skinner looks up at her.
SKINNER
How about we do something tonight, just
you and me. I think we need to repair our friendship.
SCULLY
What do you have in mind?
SKINNER
Do you remember how we used to rent
movies and have sleepovers in my office?
SCULLY
Yeah...
A smile forms on her face.
SKINNER
Why don't we do that tonight?
SCULLY
Sure. What movie do we want to rent?
SKINNER
I don't know, but let's go to Box Office
Video after work and find something.
SCULLY
Ok. I'll go tell Mulder that I can't make
it to his Patrick Swayze movie marathon tonight.
Scully stands again and walks out of the office. CUT TO:
EXT - CABIN ON LAKE - 7 P.M.
Doggett and Brad are seated on a small patch of sand that one might call a beach.
Doggett is wearing jeans and gray t-shirt. Brad is in jeans and a Hawaiian print shirt. They are fishing.
BRAD
Do you think Monica would believe
us if we told her we go fishing together?
DOGGETT
No. She'd laugh and make a comment
about how you and I aren't friends.
BRAD
Yeah... about that... why do you insist
on her thinking that we aren't?
DOGGETT
Because.
BRAD
Oh great answer, John.
DOGGETT
(hesitant)
Because... when you and Mon' first got
together in, I still ya know... had a thing
for her, so I made rude comments about
you... and when she ran off to New Orleans
a few years ago... that was my fault too.
BRAD
Mon' thought I stood her up and
was so upset that she left.
DOGGETT
(coughs/uncomfortable)
She thought that because I set her wrist watch
ahead by a couple hours... it was supposed to be
a joke, but I found out it wasn't so funny when
she called me from her new apartment in New Orleans.
Brad lowers his head and laughs.
BRAD
Oh man... Mon' is gonna kick your ass
if she finds that out.
DOGGETT
Which is exactly why I don't tell her
that we are friends and always have been.
BRAD
But she knows you and I were roommates
at boarding school.
DOGGETT
I know. I made up a story about how
our friendship broke.
BRAD
Uh oh.
DOGGETT
I told her that you slept with Stephanie
when I was with her.
Brad stares at him, he can't believe John made up a lie like that. Doggett is uncomfortable, he wishes that a fish would grab hold of the hook, so he'd have something else to do other than feel Brad staring him down.
BRAD
(amused)
I bet Mon' knows you lied.
You can't lie to a Reyes.
(beat) You lie has holes.
DOGGETT
What?
BRAD
When you were with Stephanie... that
was our Sophomore year. Mon' was
a Freshman, she hung out with us all the time.
DOGGETT
So?
BRAD
So... you think she won't remember?
DOGGETT
She believes me.
BRAD
I doubt it.
DOGGETT
She does.
Brad rolls his eyes. The two men stare out at the lake, silent.
BRAD
Does Mon' know that you still own this cabin?
DOGGETT
No...
BRAD
(amused)
She's gonna be so mad that you're keeping
all this from her. Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess.
You don't tell her about the cabin because this
is where you bring all the women you meet
because if Mon' were to happen upon you on
a date... she'd tell some story that would embarrass you.
Doggett gives him a look.
DOGGETT
I don't bring women here. Infact, I
haven't been with anyone since the divorce.
BRAD
Ten years? John... you mind if I ask
you a personal question?
DOGGETT
Don't.
BRAD
Have you slept with anyone that
counts in the past ten years?
DOGGETT
That's none of your business.
BRAD
That's a "no".
DOGGETT
Why do you care anyway?
BRAD
Well, it explains why you're so uptight.
DOGGETT
(getting angry/raises voice)
I am not uptight.
BRAD
Ok.
DOGGETT
I like Dana, one day we'll... happen.
BRAD
Ok.
They continue fishing. TIME CUT TO: 8:45 P.M.
INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE
The couch in Skinner's office has been pulled out, it is a sofa sleeper. Scully and Skinner are next to each other. Scully in a tank top and sweatpants. Skinner in a white t-shirt and blue boxers.
From the sound of it, they are watching a horror film. Skinner's eyes are bugged, he's afraid and Scully has turned off the lights.
SCULLY
I'm telling you, if this chick didn't
play with the Ouija board alone, this
demon never would have possessed her.
SKINNER
Why do you like this movie?
SCULLY
It's funny.
SKINNER
It's disturbing. I hate when
her head turns all the way around.
SCULLY
What about the stairs scene?
SKINNER
Awful.
Skinner reaches over and grabs two beers from a cooler they have with them. He gives one to Scully.
SCULLY
Trying to get me drunk, Walt?
SKINNER
Wouldn't be like old times if I didn't.
He smiles at her. TIME CUT: 9:55 P.M.
Scully and Skinner are laughing hysterically. Scully has fallen off the sofa sleeper and is trying to crawl back on, but without success.
SKINNER
(slurred)
You've can't and fallen up...
SCULLY
(giddy)
Boy, you're crazy!
She flings herself back onto the sofa sleeper and crawls over to Skinner and whispers in his ear. He uses his index finger to pull down the front of her tank top, his eyes are glued to her chest.
SKINNER
I see London, I see France.
I see down Dana's underpants.
Scully looks at Skinner's finger that pulls down her shirt.
SCULLY
Silly, my shirt isn't undies.
These are my undies.
Scully takes off her sweatpants and shows Skinner her undies. They both giggle drunkenly. Skinner reaches up and grabs Scully's head and pulls her doen on top of him. They kiss for a few moments. Scully pulls back.
SCULLY
Yes, we can't do this Walt.
SKINNER
B-but... you're my turtle...
Scully giggles and blushes, it's been years since Skinner has called her by his petname for her.
SCULLY
You haven't called me that in years.
SKINNER
I wuv you...
Scully looks into his eyes... her drunkeness screws up her rational thinking. She believes that this is right. She bends down and kisses Skinner again. She runs her hand up the front of his shirt and pulls it off. Skinner flips Scully onto her back and works her tank top off and throws it to the floor. He kisses her again. They proceed to get more involved and more intimate (in a drunken kind of way). CUT TO:
INT - DOGGETT'S CABIN - 9:34 P.M.
Doggett and Brad are sitting on the floor, they are soaking wet. They are on the floor because Doggett doesn't want wet clothes on his furniture.
DOGGETT
We never speak of this to Monica.
BRAD
Why? Because you are still afraid
of open bodies of water?
DOGGETT
No, because I don't want her to know
we hang out together without her.
Silent beat.
BRAD
So... how are you and Dana progressing?
CUT TO: INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Scully and Skinner are roughing around, kissing passionately.
DOGGETT
(voice over)
I think she knows that I want
to be with her.
Scully flips Skinner onto his back and kisses his chest. She moves her kissing downward, her fingernails scratching hard into his chest.
DOGGETT
(voice over)
You know how she's been lately...
she let me massage her feet...
CUT BACK TO: INT - DOGGETT'S CABIN
Brad pats Doggett on the back.
BRAD
You should go for it, John.
Doggett nods his head and picks up his cell phone and dials Scully's cell. CUT TO:
INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Scully is stradled on top of Skinner, she is about to take off her bra just as her cell phone rings.
SKINNER
(disappointed)
Oh pooey.
Scully giggles and answers her phone.
SCULLY
(answering)
One seriously turned on Dana Scully speaking.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
Dana?
SCULLY
(sexy)
Why John Jay. Tell me... what are you wearing...?
Scully hiccups and giggles.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
Dana, are you drunk?
SCULLY
Maybe... why? You wanna join us?
She giggles seductively.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
Who's us?
SCULLY
Wally and I.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
What are you two doin'?
SCULLY
Well, it looks to me like we're
gonna do tha wild thang.
Doggett hears Skinner in the background, speaking quietly to Scully.
SCULLY
(to Skinner/pouty)
No. I want to talk to Johnny.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
Dana, sweetie.
SCULLY
Hmm?
DOGGETT
(muffled)
Listen carefully, ok. (beat) You don't
want to do the wild thing with A.D. Skinner.
Remember Jerry Springer today?
SCULLY
Yes.
DOGGETT
(muffled)
You're better than that.
SCULLY
I know.
She hangs up on Doggett. INT - DOGGETT'S CABIN
Doggett looks at his phone, he can't believe she hung up on him.
BRAD
She's with Walter?
DOGGETT
She hung up on me.
CUT TO: INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE
Scully crawls off of Skinner. She puts Skinner's shirt on and her sweatpants. She tosses Skinner her tank top, he puts it on.
SCULLY
We can't do sex, Wally.
We aren't together anymore, ok?
SKINNER
Wanna prank call Alvin?
SCULLY
(happy)
Ok!
Skinner picks up his office phone and he dials Kersh's home number.
KERSH
(muffled)
Hello?
SKINNER
(over caffeinated DJ imitation voice)
Alvin, this is Z105.1! You just won a million dollars!
KERSH
(muffled)
Walter. You're on my caller ID.
SKINNER
(calm)
Oh.
Skinner hangs up.
SKINNER
Oops.
SCULLY
I was just processing a thought.
(manly voice) Monica is hot.
SKINNER
Yeah... she's cute. I slept with her
in Vegas earlier this year. She has
a more interesting tattoo location
than you do.
SCULLY
Let's have her come here to hang out.
I can hook you two up.
She picks up the phone and calls Monica. CUT TO:
INT - MULDER/KRYCEK'S APARTMENT - 10:10 P.M.
Mulder is sitting all by himself, kleenex all around him. He is watching the 1985 mini-series "North & South".
MULDER
(crying)
Poor Orry Main and his limping.
That Patrick Swayze is so talented.
Mulder blows his nose. The door to the apartment flies open, Krycek runs in and runs straight to the Love Room. Mulder looks on, bug-eyed, not sure what to think.
MULDER
(yells)
Krycek?!
KRYCEK
(off screen)
I'm not here!
Mulder gets off the couch and closes the apartment door. He goes to the Love Room and slowly opens the door.
MULDER
What did you do?
We don't see Krycek.
KRYCEK
(off screen)
I stole the Hawaiian Bunny video...
MULDER
(looks down)
Are you hiding under the bed?
KRYCEK
Yes.
Mulder walks over to the stereo in the room and presses the play button. Yodeling plays. Krycek crawls out from under the bed. We would expect Krycek to be angry, instead he starts dancing like an idiot a smile on his face. Mulder joins him.
MULDER/KRYCEK
(yodeling)
Yodel-a-laedy hoo!
They wrap their arms together and skip in a circle, and then skip together out into the living room and pop the Hawaiian Bunny video into the VCR. They eagerly sit down and await the movie. Minutes pass and all they see is a blue screen. Their energy is dying.
MULDER
Maybe it has to be rewound.
Krycek rewinds it, it stops sooner than expected.
KRYCEK
(worried)
No... no, no, no, NO!
MULDER
What is it Alex?
KRYCEK
That Alfredo punk put a blank
tape in the video case!
Mulder and Krycek look at each other, upset. They've been had. CUT TO:
INT - SKINNER'S OFFICE - 10:20 P.M.
There's a knock on the door. Scully shreiks with excitement and runs to the door and opens it. Monica is on the other side.
MONICA
You called.
Scully eyes Monica up and down, checking her out. Scully pulls her in, giggling. Scully slams the office door shut. Monica looks around. "Poltergeist" is the movie playing on the TV now. Skinner is on the sofa sleeper, he looks... amused... he's eyeing Monica in a sedcutive way that looks absolutely ridiculous because he is wearing Scully's tight tank top and it doesn't fit him at all.
Scully grabs her hand and pulls her toward the sofa sleeper.
SCULLY
C'mon!
Scully practically throws Monica onto the sofa sleeper. Monica is between Skinner and Scully. She looks at her boss, scared. She smells alcohol and knows something suspicious is going on. Then, Scully places her hand on Monica's leg. Monica looks at her wide-eyed.
SCULLY
Moni... Wally wants to make love
to you again. But he's bit uncomfortable,
so he wants me, ok, I lied he dared
me to start it for him.
Scully kisses Monica on the lips, Monica pushes her away.
MONICA
Dana, you're drunk!
SKINNER
I wuv you Moni...
He shuts his eyes and puckers up his lips, he leans toward Monica to make his "big move".
MONICA
Sir, get a hold of yourself!
Monica hops off the sofa sleeper, horrified.
SCULLY
(whiny)
But Moni... I've never had a threesome
and Wally said you were good...
MONICA
Ugh!
Horrified, Monica leaves the office. Not to be seen in the J. Edgar Hoover building for a week and a half. The door shuts. Scully and Skinner shrug their shoulders, oh well, it didn't hurt to try.
SCULLY
Too bad, she was hot tonight.
SKINNER
Hot too.
SCULLY
Yeah.
They turn their attention back to the movie "Poltergeist". Skinner laughs.
SKINNER
(giddy)
This movie is funny!
He wraps his arms around Scully's shoulder. She begins to tickle his stomach. He laughs, he tickles her back. Before they know what is happening, they are involved in a Tickle War. They are so wasted that they will not remember what happened that night after they started drinking.
Off their drunken silliness and the thought of what Kim Cook will see upon arriving at work the next day.
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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