Review By: Cerasi
J. |
 |
Title: "Such A Ruckus"
Written by: Kristi
Date: December 29, 2003; December 31, 2003; January 7, 2004
Air Date: January 26, 2004
Rating: PG
Series: FRVS - Episode #117
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: We love it. Please e-mail us at frvs.feedback@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: We do not own anyone. They belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: On a not so usual day, events happen that cause... such a ruckus.
FADE IN:
EXT. I-95 - MORNING
Gloomy clouds are in the sky and the highway is slightly wet.
INT. ROBERT ALFREDO'S MUSTANG - CON'T
The SWISHING of the window wipers is soothing and somewhat hypnotic. Behind the wheel of this expensive mustang is Fox Mulder, and next to him is Alex Krycek.
Mulder is concentrating on the road in front of him. Krycek is on his cell phone with a road map on his lap. The radio in the car is at a low volume, playing the song "I Think We're Alone Now" by 80s pop singer Tiffany.
KRYCEK
(serious)
I love you.Krycek is very into what he's doing. Mulder continues to drive carefully, randomly lip syncing to the song.
KRYCEK
(serious, yet demanding)
I love you.A slow moving vehicle is in front of the car.
KRYCEK
Marita, I love you. (beat) Stop
saying that. I know you love me too.Mulder puts on his blinker and checks his blind spot. He carefully changes lanes to pass the slow moving vehicle.
KRYCEK
I love you. (beat) No, I
love you. I love you.
(beat) Mulder, that's our exit!
MULDER
(surprised)
Oh!Mulder quickly tries to make the exit, however he's going too fast to do so!
Krycek isn't paying attention to Mulder anymore. He's got other things on his mind.
KRYCEK
I love you.
MULDER
(calmly)
Uh-oh…Krycek looks up to see what Mulder's "uh-oh" was all about.
KRYCEK'S POV - THE EXIT SIGN
They are heading straight for the frickin' sign!
MULDER/KRYCEK
AAAAHHHHHH!!They hit the exit sign and fly across the highway, swerving out of control.
KRYCEK
WHOA!
MULDER
(panic)
Oh god…The car turns around, flying backwards down the highway towards the grassy median.
KRYCEK
We're heading towards the other
highway! There's a semi-truck coming!
MULDER
HELP!
The car comes to a stop a few feet away from the other highway, in the grassy median. The semi-truck seeds pass them. The car falls silent, save for "I Think We're Alone Now" on the radio. Mulder and Krycek are stunned. Smoke is seeping out from under the hood and is filling up in the car.
MARITA
(through phone)
What's going on?!Krycek puts his cell phone back to his ear.
KRYCEK
(calm)
Well… We're in the median…TIME CUT TO WITH THE SOUND OF SIRENS
EXT. THE GRASSY MEDIAN
A tow truck from Street Wise Towing is picking up what's left of Alfredo's mustang. A State Trooper is questioning Mulder. Krycek finds it more important to talk on his cell phone away from everyone.
KRYCEK
(overly happy)
Dude! I'm alive! Life is good,
and I still have a chance to
sleep with Monica! Whoohoo!Krycek starts to do a happy dance in honor of still being alive. He suddenly stops when:
KRYCEK
No! Marita! Wait! I love you!
(beat) No, no, no! I love only you!
(pathetic) Your my Snuffles and
I'm your Snuggums.
There is a long beat while Marita talks. Krycek paces.
KRYCEK
(panic)
Huh? No! Don't tell Robert
I took his car! (beat) Please! Marita!Krycek suddenly stops his pacing, a look of fear in his eyes.
KRYCEK
Marita? (beat) Hello? Marita?In anger, Krycek hangs up his phone.
KRYCEK
(mad)
Shit!He walks over to where Mulder and the State Trooper are talking.
MULDER
Yes sir, we both had
our safety belts on.
STATE TROOPER
And how fast were you going?
MULDER
Seventy. The speed limit.
KRYCEK
(mad)
Mulder! Marita is going to tell
Alfredo that we stole his car!
MULDER
(laughs)
No, no, silly. We didn't steal it.
You said he said we could borrow it.
Krycek pauses, realizing he didn't remember the lie he told Mulder. The State Trooper looks at Krycek.
KRYCEK
(fuck it)
I lied to you!
Mulder is taken back! A Super Buddy lied to him?! Oh my…
STATE TROOPER
Uh, sir. I'm going to have to-
KRYCEK
(in no mood)
Oh zip it, Troopy! I'm
a Federal Agent!Krycek pulls out his FBI badge.
MULDER
Alexander! Don't "roast beef" him!
STATE TROOPER
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
KRYCEK
(cocky)
Dat's right! F-B-I. We've
got things under control
so bugger off, Troopy!The State Trooper looks around. No ride for them, and the tow truck just took off.
STATE TROOPER
(unsure)
All right then. Have a nice day.
The State Trooper gets back in his patrol car and leave. Mulder and Krycek stand alone in the grassy median. Krycek's ego continues to tarnish him as he looks over at Mulder and smiles. Mulder isn't happy.
MULDER
(mad)
So Mr. Smarty-Pants,
how do we get back?
KRYCEK
(cocky)
Well, we can hitch
a ride with the Troopy.
MULDER
(mad)
The "Troopy" is gone.
Krycek thinks.
KRYCEK
Ok, we'll get a ride
with the towing truck.
MULDER
(mad)
He's gone too.Krycek pauses and looks around. He takes in a deep breath of cold air.
KRYCEK
Dammit!They stand there for a while at a loss.
KRYCEK
(excited)
I got it!
MULDER
(excited)
Oh goodie!
KRYCEK
We can call Monica!
MULDER
Yeah, she's not at work!
KRYCEK
Yeah!Mulder and Krycek excitedly jump up and down. Krycek stops when he realizes what an idiot he is for acting like a teenage girl. He pulls out his cell phone as Mulder continues to jump. At least they aren't squealing…
INT. BRAD FOLLMER'S APARTMENT
Monica is sitting on the floor in the living room unpacking a box of her things. "The Brady Bunch" is playing quietly on the television. Monica's cell phone rings. She looks around and can't find it. It rings again and it's coming from underneath the couch. She crawls on the floor to get it.
MONICA
(into phone)
Hello?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Hey Monica baby, how you doin'?
Monica rolls her eyes upon hearing his voice.
MONICA
What do you want?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
What do I want? (evil laugh)
I want you, baby. How 'bout
you and I get it-
Krycek's interrupted by Mulder in the background.
MULDER (FILTERED)
Alexander! Stop hitting on her!
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Shut up punk!
MULDER (FILTERED)
Don't call me punk! PUNK!
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Shut up-
MONICA
(annoyed)
-Alex!
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
(to Monica)
Yeah baby, what's up?
MONICA
Why did you call me?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Oh yeah. Can you come pick
Mulder and I up. We had a
little accident.
Monica gets up off the ground and sits on the couch.
MONICA
What kind of accident?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Mulder was a dumb ass and
hit an exit sign on I-95.
MONICA
How do you hit and exit sign?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
I don't know. He just did.
(beat) So can you come pick us up?
Monica lets out a sigh.
MONICA
Sure, where are you?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
We're in the median.
Monica pauses a moment. Did she hear him right?
MONICA
What did you say? It sounded
like you said you were still
in the median.
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
We are.
MONICA
Why are you there? Shouldn't
you be with your car or something?
KRYCEK (FILTERED)
Long story. (beat; quieter) You see,
Mulder pissed off the State Trooper and-
MONICA
-You know what, I don't
want to know. (beat)
Give me your location.
Monica finds a pencil and paper and writes down Mulder and Krycek's location. CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT & REYES' OFFICE - 10:30 A.M.
Doggett is sitting at his desk, and Scully is sitting at Monica's. She's poking around. Doggett looks away from his computer and over at Scully. He's got a smile on his face. Scully looks over at him.
SCULLY
You look happy.
DOGGETT
Yeah.
He gives her another smile and continues to type at his computer.
SCULLY
What are you so happy about?
DOGGETT
Nothin' really. (beat) Just how
much more pleasant it is around
here without Monica. (beat) That's all.
He gives her another smile. Scully smiles back.
SCULLY
You know John, she'll be back.
DOGGETT
Yeah, I know. But it's just so
nice to be at work and not
have to put up with her. Ya know?
SCULLY
"Put up with her"?
DOGGETT
You know, she's always
picking on me and stuff.
SCULLY
Like you don't pick on her?
DOGGETT
She's worse than me.
Scully rolls her eyes. John continues to type on his computer. Moments later, Scully looks pensive.
SCULLY
Something seems different
down here. (beat) Where
are Mulder and Krycek?
DOGGETT
Who knows. They're probably
into some kind of trouble.
Doggett gets up from his desk and heads to the door.
DOGGETT
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Want me to bring you anything?
SCULLY
No, I'm fine.Doggett nods his head and leaves the office.
INT. JANITOR'S LOUNGE
Doggett enters the Janitor's Lounge, happily whistling the song "Good Morning" from the classic musical "Singing In The Rain". He pours his coffee into his mug and is about to leave when the door to the lounge closes with a loud latch. Doggett turns around and sees The Janitor. He looks menacing.
DOGGETT
(re: menacing look)
Oh, uh, sorry. I didn't-
JANITOR
(serious)
We need to talk Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT
Is this about me using
the coffee machine?
The Janitor things for a short beat.
JANITOR
No. (beat) Have a seat on the couch.Doggett nods and sits on the couch.
JANITOR
I've noticed some things
about you, Agent Doggett.
Doggett looks up at him suspiciously. Why does he feel like Mr. Anderson in "The Matrix"…? The Janitor sits down across from Doggett.
JANITOR
You don't treat Agent
Reyes very nicely.
DOGGETT
Excuse me?
JANITOR
Yeah, you don't respect her.Doggett is about to take a sip of his coffee, but before he can, The Janitor takes it right out of his hand and takes a sip himself, claiming the coffee as his. Doggett gives him a not-so-happy look.
DOGGETT
What makes you think
I don't respect Monica?
JANITOR
The little observations
I've made over time.
DOGGETT
Like what?
JANITOR
Like the time you said the
only reason she's dating
Brad is so she can get an
increase in pay.
Doggett is shocked. How in the world does this janitor know he said that?!
DOGGETT
(worse liar ever)
I never said that!
JANITOR
Yes you did. When you
were stuck in the elevator.
DOGGETT
You're making it up.
JANITOR
You also project your
problems onto her.
Doggett gives him a look for a beat.
DOGGETT
No I don't. (beat) She
projects her problems on me!The Janitor gives him a look… Johnny just projected this problem onto Monica…
CUT TO:
EXT. GRASSY MEDIAN - I-95 - 10:45 A.M.
Mulder and Krycek are still standing on the grass. Mulder is standing on the side of the median, happily waving to the passing cars. Krycek is glaring at him from the middle of the meidan.
KRYCEK
MULDER! STOP DISTRACTING
THE DRIVERS ON THE HIGHWAY!
Mulder turns to face him.
MULDER
I'm not distracting them,
I'm only being friendly.
KRYCEK
It's idiots like you who cause
fatal accidents on highways.
(beat) Stop waving before
someone gets killed.
Mulder stops immediately! No need to harm innocent could-be Super Buddies! Mulder comes to the middle of the median where Krycek is standing.
MULDER
Do you want to sing a song?
KRYCEK
(dead pan)
No.
MULDER
Why not?
KRYCEK
(dead pan)
Because.
MULDER
Because why?
KRYCEK
Because it's stupid.
MULDER
No it isn't!
KRYCEK
Yes it is.
MULDER
No it isn't!
KRYCEK
(annoyed)
Yes, it is.
MULDER
No!
KRYCEK
I don't want to fight.
MULDER
(keeping the fight)
NO!
KRYCEK
Shut up!
MULDER
NO!
KRYCEK
Here comes Monica.
Mulder turns around excited!
MULDER
Oh goodie! Oh boy!Mulder happily jumps in place, then runs to the highway. He stops in the middle of the lane Monica is driving in and waves.
What Mulder neglects to realize is this: the roads are wet, he's on the highway, and Monica is charging towards him going 70 mph.
KRYCEK
MULDER!Startled, Monica quickly slams on the breaks and swerves pass Mulder so she doesn't kill him. Her bright blue beetle flies into the median and stops. She gets out angry.
MONICA
Holy shit, Mulder!
I could've killed you!
Mulder and Krycek walk over to her.
MULDER
Sorry. I just got so excited.
MONICA
You shouldn't ever stand
on the highway, Mulder.
MULDER
(feeling bad)
Oops…
Monica lets out an angered sigh.
KRYCEK
Are you all right?
MONICA
Yeah.
KRYCEK
Looks like you've got a flat.
Krycek points down at the front tire. Monica lets out another sigh and goes over to the trunk to get the spare tire out.
MULDER
Do you know what you're doing?
MONICA
Yes.
MULDER
Good. Cuz Alexander and I
don't know how to change a tire.
KRYCEK
(defensive)
I know how to change a tire!
MULDER
No you don't!
KRYCEK
Yes I do!
MONICA
Shut up. I'm not in the mood
to hear you two fight about
something as pointless as
changing a tire on a car.
She gives them a glare and then proceeds to change the tire. Krycek watches her as a dirty little grin forms.
KRYCEK
(devious)
Oh yeah… lookin' spicy…
spicy like Kentucky Fried Chicken…
Monica looks up at him with a killer glare.
MONICA
Alex, shut it.
KRYCEK
I know you want to
trigger my Russian Love Gun.
Monica ignores him, hoping he'll shut up.
KRYCEK
How 'bout after this you hop
on and give this Love Train
a rough ride…
MULDER
(shocked)
ALEXANDER! That's so rude!
KRYCEK
(ignoring Mulder)
You know, Monica baby-
MONICA
-One more peep out of you,
Mr. Krycek, and you can kiss
your little "Love Gun" goodbye.
KRYCEK
(not learning)
Are you offering to
give me a blow-
MULDER
-ALEX!
Mulder slaps Krycek across the face. CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT & REYES' OFFICE - 11:20 A.M.
Doggett has not returned from The Janitor's Lounge and Scully is sitting at Monica's desk reading a stack of handwritten paper. It's a novel that Monica is working on and has no idea that Scully has recently found it.
SCULLY
(to herself; re: novel)
Who is "Virgil"? (beat) If Mon' is
"Isabella", Brad is "Mark", John is
"Jay", and I'm "Katherine", then
who the heck is "Virgil"?Scully pensively sits at the desk wondering who on Earth is "Virgil".
SCULLY
Hey John, do you know a "Virgil"?
Scully looks over at Doggett's desk. She has been too into Monica's novel to even notice that he hasn't returned. Scully checks her watch.
SCULLY
Hmmm… maybe he had to
use the restroom… I
wonder if he needs laxatives…
Scully sits at the desk and thinks this over. She then gets up and leaves the office. CUT TO:
INT. HAPPY GILLIGAN'S GROCERY STORE
NO one is in the store except for Bob, the poor cashier boy who has been working at this little store since FRVS season one! Bob is standing at the checkout lane wearing a Happy Gilligan's apron and a white paper hat on top of his red hair. He doesn't look happy. This poor guy should really find a new job.
A little bell jingles above the door as Scully enters the store. Bob looks over at her.
BOB
(unenthusiastic)
Welcome to Happy Gilligan's,
the place to buy all your
grocery needs. How may I help you?
He's said that phrase one too many times.
SCULLY
(smiles)
Hi Bob, I'm looking for laxatives.
BOB
Over there.
Bob points in the same direction he always points to when someone asks him a question.
SCULLY
Thanks.
She gives him a smile and heads in the direction Bob pointed to. On her way, she passes a stack of shopping baskets and picks one up. She goes down an aisle she thinks Bob was pointing to, however it's not what she's looking for. This aisle is full of small stuffed toys. Scully picks up a small stuffed fish. It's Nemo from the movie "Finding Nemo".
SCULLY
(to herself)
Mulder will love this.
With a smile, Scully puts Nemo in the basket and continues to wander the store looking for laxatives. She stops when she passes a magazine stand and see the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Special Issue from an earlier month. She picks it up and puts it in her basket.
SCULLY
(to herself again)
Krycek has been looking
all over eBay for this.
She continues down another aisle where the store holds books they receive in shipments. Scully stops and finds a cheesy romance novel.
SCULLY
This will be fun to
laugh at in the office.
She continues down the aisle and stops in front of the cards. She finds a funny "I Hope You Feel Better" card and puts it in her basket. She continues down the next aisle and finds a large selection of flower seeds. She stops and looks. She finds a bag of daisy seeds and puts it in her basket.
SCULLY
Monica will love this.
It'll be nice to have
flowers growing in
our apartment.
With a smile, she continues walking down all the aisles looking for the laxatives. She eventually makes her way to the front of the store, on the opposite end from where Bob is. Finally she finds the laxatives. She puts them in her basket.
SCULLY
Finally. (beat) I hope
John will feel better.
She walks towards the checkout lane, but stops and picks up some Rogaine. She approaches the checkout and gives her basket to Bob. Bob holds up the Rogaine.
BOB
Let me guess, Skinner has
you buying his Rogaine now?
SCULLY
No, just thought I'd
pick some up for him.
BOB
Oh.Bob continues to ring her up.
CUT TO:
INT. MONICA'S BRIGHT BLUE BEETLE
Monica is driving Mulder and Krycek into town to find Alfredo's car. Mulder and Krycek are in the backseat.
MONICA
(pained)
So you really don't remember
which towing company picked up his car?
MULDER
No, Alex was yelling at me.
KRYCEK
I'm sure I'll recognize
it if I see it.
MONICA
Are you sure you
didn't pick up a card?
MULDER
I'm sure.
MONICA
I want you both to check your
wallets and pockets again, ok?
Mulder and Krycek shrug their shoulders and do as they are told. Nothing turns up.
MULDER
Moni? Can I call you "Moni"?
MONICA
No.
MULDER
Ok. (beat) Monica?
MONICA
(irritated)
What?
MULDER
Why can't I sit in the front?
MONICA
Because I don't want you
playing with anything.
MULDER
Oh. (beat) I'm not going
to put my hand on your
leg like Alexander did.
MONICA
I know.
KRYCEK
(to Monica)
You want me, I know it.
He makes a kissy noise at her. She rolls her eyes. This is going to be a long day. CUT TO:
INT. FBI - JANITOR'S LOUNGE
The Janitor is still sitting in the chair across from Doggett. Doggett is now laying down on the couch.
JANITOR
Tell me about how you first met Monica.
DOGGETT
We were both very little. I was
four and she was three. (beat)
I was playing hide-n-seek with
a friend of mine. I went down to
a creek to hide, which is where I
found Monica. She was crying like
a sissy about something. I told her
to be quiet because I didn't want to
be found. Then she started to scream
loudly and I got found. (beat) She's
always ruining things for me.
JANITOR
Hm. (beat) That's not how
I heard it.
Doggett looks over at him confused.
JANITOR
She was crying because her brother,
Carlos, let her pet goldfish, Goldie,
go in the creek after he killed it
in front of her. (beat) Then you came
and yelled at her for making noise
while you were trying to hide.
DOGGETT
(lying)
No.
JANITOR
It was your yelling
that got you found.
DOGGETT
You know nothing.
JANITOR
You're afraid to admit
that you make mistakes.
Doggett stands up mad.
DOGGETT
No I'm not.
JANITOR
Then why are you
getting all defensive?
DOGGETT
(defensive)
I'm not getting defensive!
JANITOR
That would explain the yelling, right?
Doggett is so mad that he's pacing and scratching the back of his neck.
DOGGETT
(mad)
What? Did Monica put
you up to this?
JANITOR
There you go again. Finding
a way to blame something on
her. You have a bad case of
Blame Monica Syndrome.
Doggett gives him a glare.
DOGGETT
(mad)
I'm out of here. You're
nothing but a janitor!
What do you know?
Doggett starts to head for the door.
JANITOR
You think I'm just a janitor?
I'll have you know I chose
this job.
Doggett turns to face him.
DOGGETT
(mad)
Yeah, that's a thing to
admit. You think I'm gonna
listen to someone who chose
to clean toilets for a living?
JANITOR
I know how the brain works.
(beat) I use to be a brain surgeon.
Doggett shoots him a doubtful look. CUT TO:
INT. DOGGETT & REYES' OFFICE - 12:15 P.M.
Scully is setting the laxatives on Doggett's desk, along with the "I Hope You Feel Better" card. She smiles then goes over to Monica's desk to continue reading the novel.
CUT TO:
INT. UNDERCOVER UNIT - 12:35 P.M.
Robert Alfredo is sitting at a table reviewing a file. His supervisor, Frank Donovan, stands in the door way.
DONOVAN
Robert?
Alfredo looks up from the file.
DONOVAN
Street Wise Towing is
on line two for you.
ALFREDO
(confused)
Ok. Thanks.He picks up the phone and hits line two.
ALFREDO
Agent Alfredo? (beat) Yes this is.
(beat) Uh-huh… (beat) What? (beat)
What do you mean it's demolished?! (beat)
Idiots…? You mean Mulder and Krycek…
(beat) Yes, thank you. I'll be right down.Alfredo hangs up the phone. He's not happy to hear the news of his car being demolished by Mulder and Krycek.
CUT TO:
INT. MONICA'S BRIGHT BLUE BEETLE - 1:00 P.M.
Mulder is bouncing in the back seat. Monica keeps glaring at him through the rearview mirror. Krycek scoots away from Mulder so he doesn't get hurt.
MULDER
Moni? I mean, Monica? Can we
stop at the Golden Arches for lunch?
MONICA
No.
MULDER
But I'm hungry.
KRYCEK
(excited)
Guys look!
MONICA
(hopeful)
You found the towing company?
KRYCEK
No, a nudie bar! Let's go
there for lunch!
MONICA
No. (beat) Was it Highway Tow?
Monica points to a building.
MULDER/KRYCEK
No…
Monica looks pained, wishing she would've been a mean person and never have agreed to help them.
MULDER
Monica?
MONICA
(pained)
What now?
MULDER
I think the juices of my
tummy are eating me
from the inside out.
(beat; serious) I might die.
Monica lets out and irritated sigh.
MONICA
(not happy)
Fine, we'll stop for lunch.
KRYCEK
Maybe food will help us remember.
Monica pulls over to some random food place. They all get out and enter the building. INT. HAMBURGER OUTLET - CON'T
This place is horrible. No one in their right mind would stop to eat here. It's a wonder this place is still open to the public.
MULDER
(excited)
Oh goodie! Hamburgers!
They go up to the counter. The cook of this joint comes up to them. He's missing a front tooth, has yellow teeth and his hygiene is a wee-bit questionable.
COOK
May I take your order?Let's hope they are smart enough not to eat here…
CUT TO:
INT. JANITOR'S LOUNGE - 1:30 P.M.
The Janitor is eating lunch. Doggett is laying on the couch in distress. The Janitor is still in the chair across from him.
DOGGETT
(distraught)
I don't mean to blame her
for Luke's death. I only
say that when we fight.
JANITOR
Do you know why you blame her?
DOGGETT
(distraught)
I don't know. (beat) She was
the head investigator. (beat)
Maybe I didn't do everything
I could to save him.
JANITOR
How does that make you feel?
DOGGETT
(distraught)
Horrible.
JANITOR
You did all you could. Everything
happens for a reason, John.
Doggett sits up. He's not happy with this comment.
DOGGETT
What are you saying? That my
little boy had to die? What's
the reason, or purpose, for that?!
JANITOR
I don't know. But it happened.
DOGGETT
(mad)
You sound like the
mumbo-jumbo that
comes out of Monica.
Doggett lays back down on the couch.
JANITOR
Is there any reason you sound
angry every time Monica is mentioned?
DOGGETT
(mad)
I don't know.
JANITOR
Do you think maybe you're
jealous of the happiness
that is in her life?
DOGGETT
(mad)
Impossible! I'm happy! I
have nothing to be jealous of!
JANITOR
You have an anger problem.
(beat) Have you ever gone to
an anger management therapist?
Doggett glares at him.
DOGGETT
Anger management therapist? Oh
please! That's mumbo-jumbo!
JANITOR
No it's not. I use to see one.
DOGGETT
(doubtful)
You?
JANITOR
Yeah. I use to get so mad,
I could tear people's heads
right off. (beat) Now look at me.
He smiles at Doggett. Doggett says nothing.
JANITOR
Let's talk about your working
relationship with Monica.
DOGGETT
What about it?
JANITOR
You shot her two times a while ago.
DOGGETT
Yeah?
JANITOR
Were you mad at her?
DOGGETT
(mad)
Are you suggesting that I
shot her on purpose?
JANITOR
You said it, not me.He smiles at Doggett.
DOGGETT
I would never do that!
JANITOR
So it wasn't payback for the
the time she shot you in the rear.
DOGGETT
I accidentally shot her when I was
trying to shoot something else.
(beat) It wasn't payback for anything.
(beat) She was the one who go in the way.
JANITOR
You just blamed her for
an accident. Do you realize that?
Doggett thinks.
DOGGETT
Your point?
JANITOR
Accidents are accidents. You
don't blame anyone for them.
They just happen.
DOGGETT
Sorry.
JANITOR
It's ok, we're working on it.
(beat) Let's talk about the
Kelly E. Clark case.
DOGGETT
What do you know about it?
JANITOR
I'm a janitor, I know
lot's of things.
DOGGETT
Are you suggesting that you-
JANITOR
-In your account, you put
blame on Monica.
DOGGETT
Because I took the roll of
the father that just lost
their child. I clouded
my judgement. (beat) I know
this already. What's your point?
JANITOR
Have you ever thought that
maybe you and Monica shouldn't
be partners?
Doggett shrugs.
DOGGETT
It's crossed my mind once
or twice. (beat) Why?
JANITOR
I don't know. Maybe you both
would work better if you had
different partners.
Doggett looks pensive.
JANITOR
But it's not my place to say.The Janitor allows him time to think.
CUT TO:
INT. FBI CAFETERIA - 1:45 P.M.
No one is in the cafeteria except Scully, who is sitting at a table eating a late lunch. Brad comes over and sits with her.
BRAD
You're here late.
SCULLY
I went out to buy
John some laxatives.
Brad looks at her with an odd expression. Scully continues on as if that's a normal thing.
BRAD
Oh…
Sometimes Scully says the strangest things.
SCULLY
Why are you here so late?
BRAD
I just got out of one of Kersh's
meetings. He wouldn't let us leave
until we all decided on a new button
for The Brotherhood.
SCULLY
(confused)
Your meeting was about buttons?
BRAD
Yeah. (beat) I miss the old days
when there was real work to do and
Alvin wasn't so obsessed with The
Brotherhood and everyone actually
got some work done. (beat) Between
Alvin's buttons and Walter's Rogaine,
I'm the only one who really does
anything. (beat) And sometimes I just
try to balance pencils on my nose
when there's no work to be done. (beat)
What ever happened to this Bureau. Nowadays,
it seems that any clown can get in and
do whatever he wants, ya know? It irritates me.Brad takes a bit out of his sandwich. He's frustrated.
SCULLY
Speaking of clowns… I haven't
seen Mulder or Krycek all day.
BRAD
Oh, that would be because they
wrecked Agent Alfredo's car and
can't remember which towing
company towed the car.
SCULLY
(confused)
How do you know that?
BRAD
I got a call from Monica. (beat)
Apparently, they called her for
a ride and sucked her into the
adventure of finding the towing company.
SCULLY
That poor girl…
BRAD
You have no idea.He takes another bit out of his sandwich.
BRAD
(after a beat)
Agent Krycek thinks that since
she's been suspended that it's
ok for him to aggressively hit
on her and make rude sexual
comments to her.
SCULLY
I thought you were
in that meeting all day.
BRAD
I was. Mon' text messaged me.He pulls out his cell phone.
BRAD
We bought new phones with
a lot more options. (beat)
She'll entertain me when I'm
stuck in a pointless meeting.
SCULLY
Entertain you?
BRAD
Yeah, you see it's got a camera
on it. She'll send photos of the
random things that happen in the
basement. (laughs) Strange things
happen down there.
SCULLY
I would know.She smiles at him.
BRAD
Anyway, what Agent Krycek's
forgotten is that Mon' is still
an agent of the Bureau and he's
on Bureau time. (beat) Kersh
isn't very happy with him.
SCULLY
As usual.
She takes a bit of her salad. CUT TO:
INT. MONICA'S BRIGHT BLUE BEETLE - 2:00 P.M.
Krycek is now driving Monica's car. Mulder is in the front passenger's seat and Monica is laying down on the back seat. She doesn't look so good.
MULDER
There, there Moni.
MONICA
(in pain)
Shut up Mulder. I'm dying.
KRYCEK
Maybe it was something you ate.
Monica rolls her eyes and sits up.
MONICA
(pissed)
No kidding!She falls back down and grabs her stomach in pain.
MONICA
(in pain)
I hate you.
MULDER
(worried)
Don't hate us. Hate
is such a negative-
KRYCEK
-Enough, Mulder.
Krycek gives Mulder a look not to bother her.
MULDER
(quiet)
Sorry.
MONICA
(pathetic)
I hate this. I want
Brad. Drive faster.
MULDER
NO! Speed kills!
MONICA
I'll kill if I don't get home!
KRYCEK
I'll get you home as
fast as I can, ok?
Mulder looks at Krycek with wide eyes. He doesn't want another accident.
MONICA
Why don't you two feel
bad? Why me?
MULDER
Maybe we're used to
bad food. After all,
we do eat what's in
our refrigerator.
KRYCEK
That's got to be it!
Yesterday I think
I ate moldy bread.
MULDER
Not to mention the sour
milk I had with my stale
Lucky Charms this morning.
Mulder and Krycek both spazz as if they are reliving eating their food. Monica sits up.
MONICA
(pain/panic)
Oh god…
MULDER
(oblivious to her pain)
I know.
MONICA
Pull over.
MULDER
(pleading)
Oh please! Don't kick us out!
MONICA
(sick/pain)
Pull over now, it's coming.Krycek pulls over on the side of the highway. Monica jumps out of the car. Mulder looks to Krycek confused.
MULDER
What's coming?
KRYCEK
Her lunch.
MULDER
Huh?
KRYCEK
Think about it.
Mulder thinks for a few beats. Krycek gets out of the car to see if Monica is ok.
MULDER
(getting it)
Oh… Ew…
CUT TO: INT. JANITOR'S LOUNGE - 3:00 P.M.
Doggett is still laying on the couch. He looks as if he has just realized something. The Janitor is eating a green apple, once again allowing Doggett time to think.
DOGGETT
(realization)
Oh my god… I'm horrible
to her. (beat) I project
all of my problems onto
her. I've done life changing
things to her like setting her
watch back a few hours so she
would think Brad stood her up.
She left him and ran to New
Orleans because of me. (beat)
She failed her driving test
in high school because Knowle
and I played around with the
speedometer and she got pulled
over by a cop for going too fast.Doggett thinks some more.
DOGGETT
It's not her fault I couldn't
ask Dana out in Paris. I'm the
one who froze because of my
fear of heights.
JANITOR
And why do you have
a fear of heights?
DOGGETT
Because of Monica's
brother's, not Monica.Doggett thinks for another beat.
DOGGETT
Janitor, why do I blame
Monica for everything?
The Janitor throws his apple away.
JANITOR
The way I see it, you blame
her because you've always
blamed her. (beat) When you
do something dumb she's the
safety net you fall on. She's
always been there for you to
blame. Since the age of four
you've done this. You've conditioned
yourself to blame her. (beat)
That's just how it's always been.
DOGGETT
What should I do?
JANITOR
Recognize when you've done
something dumb and stand up
and take responsibility for it.Doggett nods his head.
DOGGETT
Ok.
Doggett smiles.
JANITOR
We've been in here all day.
We should get back to work.
DOGGETT
Yeah.
They both get up and leave the lounge. INT. HALLWAY - CON'T
The Janitor starts to head toward the elevator.
DOGGETT
Janitor?
The Janitor turns to face him.
JANITOR
Yeah?
DOGGETT
Thank you.
JANITOR
Not a problem.He turns and continues about his business. Doggett smiles and enters the office.
INT. DOGGETT & REYES' OFFICE - CON'T
Scully is still at Monica's desk reading a novel. She's very into it. Doggett goes over to his desk. He notices the card and laxatives. He looks at it confused and opens the card. He looks over at Scully.
DOGGETT
Dana?Scully jumps, startled that he's back.
SCULLY
Hi.
DOGGETT
What's this for?
He holds up the laxatives.
SCULLY
Well, I thought that since you
were… well, you know… in the
bathroom all day that they
might help you out a bit.
She smiles at him.
DOGGETT
I wasn't in the bathroom all day.
SCULLY
(confused)
You weren't?
DOGGETT
No, I was talking with
the Janitor in The
Janitor's Lounge.
Scully's eyes widen, realizing she made a wrong assumption.
SCULLY
Oh… I'm so sorry.
DOGGETT
It's ok.In the hallway, a loud crashing noise interrupts their conversation.
SCULLY
What was that?
Doggett and Scully go over to the door and look out into the hallway. There is no shock about who caused the crash… Mulder and Krycek are back.
MULDER
Scully! Monica is at home sick!
I think she may be dying!
KRYCEK
She's not dying, you fool! She
just got food poisoning. She's
feeling better though. I think.
MULDER
(to Scully)
I want you to check on her.
I still think she's dying.
She said so herself!
SCULLY
I'm sure she's not dying.
MULDER
Please!Mulder starts to cry.
MULDER
I'm scared!
SCULLY
Ok, Mulder. I'll check on her.
She puts her arm around Mulder to comfort him.
SCULLY
Shh… there, there. Everything
will be all right.
MULDER
(hopeful)
Really?
SCULLY
Yes. (beat) I got you something
today… it's on your desk.
Mulder's eyes light up with excitement. He runs into the office. Krycek walks by Scully and she whacks him hard on the back of the head.
KRYCEK
OW! What?!
SCULLY
First of all: Stealing Alfredo's
car? Are you stupid?
She smacks him on the head again.
MULDER (O.S.)
(excited)
FINDING NEMO! WHOOHOO!
SCULLY
Second of all: Aggressively hitting
on Monica and spouting out rude
sexual comments to her?!
She hits him again.
KRYCEK
Ow!
SCULLY
She's still an agent!
Kersh is pissed at you.
KRYCEK
How do you know about that?!
SCULLY
I know things.She gives him her "watchful eye".
SCULLY
(nicer)
Now, go into your office.
I got you something too.
Krycek does as told. TIME CUT TO:
INT. SCULLY, MARITA, MONICA'S APARTMENT - 5:30 P.M.
Monica is laying on the couch feeling horrible. The apartment is nice and quiet, until…
The door to opens and Marita walks in, followed by Mulder, Krycek and Scully.
KRYCEK
Marita, I love you!
MARITA
No you don't!
KRYCEK
Yes I do!Krycek and Marita continue to have their "I love you" and "No you don't" argument as:
MULDER
(upset)
Scully, why didn't you
check on Monica for me?
What if she's dead?
Mulder starts to cry.
SCULLY
She's not dead, Mulder.
MARITA
GET OUT ALEX!
KRYCEK
NO! I LOVE YOU!
The apartment has gone from nice and quiet to loud and annoying in no time. Everyone is talking over each other. Monica looks up at them as they continue to talk loudly. Scully and Mulder go over to Monica.
SCULLY
See Mulder, she's alive.Krycek and Marita go into the kitchen.
MULDER
Is she ok?
SCULLY
I don't know. Monica sweetie,
how do you feel?
KRYCEK (O.S.)
I LOVE YOU!
MONICA
I'm fine now, but a sudden
headache has hit me.
MARITA (O.S.)
I HATE YOU!Mulder's eyes go wide.
MULDER
Oh my, Marita just
said the "H" word.
SCULLY
It's ok, Mulder.The door opens and Alfredo comes in, followed by Brad.
ALFREDO
(mad)
Mulder?! Krycek?!
Mulder's eyes widen and he dives over the couch to hide. Monica sits up so she doesn't get hurt.
ALFREDO
Get back here you little punk!
Brad quietly shuts the door as Alfredo makes his way in.
BRAD
(to himself; re: Alfredo)
Sure, not even a "thanks
for driving me, Brad."Krycek comes out of the kitchen. Brad goes over to Monica and Scully. He sits next to Monica and puts his arm around her and gives her a kiss on the forehead.
BRAD
How are you doing?
Alfredo sees Krycek and goes after him. Scully gets up off the couch.
SCULLY
(not wanting a fist fight)
Now Robert…
MONICA
(quietly to Brad)
I'm ok.
KRYCEK
(to Alfredo)
Stop loving my Marita!
MARITA
(to Krycek)
I'M NOT YOUR'S!!
ALFREDO
(to Krycek)
You stole and wrecked my car!
KRYCEK
No! Mulder was driving!
ALFREDO
Yeah, well you still
stole my car!
KRYCEK
NO!Doggett comes into the apartment carrying a jacket in his hand. He stops in the doorway when he sees and hears all the chaos.
MULDER (O.S.)
(from behind the couch)
Let's all stop arguing.
MARITA
(to Krycek)
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR'S!
Krycek turns pathetically to Marita.
KRYCEK
But I love you, Marita.
MARITA
NO! I HATE YOU!
KRYCEK
(mad)
FINE!Mad, Krycek goes over to the couch where Monica and Brad are quietly sitting and he kisses Monica. Marita's eyes widen in anger and she storms off into the kitchen.
MONICA
(pushing him away)
No!
BRAD
Krycek, what has gotten into you?
KRYCEK
I have to make Marita jealous!
MONICA
(to Brad)
Take me home…Brad nods his head. This place is way too loud and chaotic for someone who is sick and who has just spent the day driving Mulder and Krycek around. They get up off the couch and make their way to the door.
Alfredo goes up to Krycek.
ALFREDO
You owe me a new mustang.
KRYCEK
I do not!
Suddenly, Marita comes running out of the kitchen with a frying pan. She's screaming like a frickin' lunatic. She runs up behind Monica and whacks her over the head, knocking her down to the ground.
MARITA
(to Monica)
Stay away from him you bitch!!Marita turns around and goes into her room, slamming the door behind her.
The room has fallen silent. Brad kneels down next to Monica.
BRAD
(worried)
Monica?
Scully comes over as we… SLOWLY FADE TO BLACK
DIM FADE IN:
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Sight is blurry. A cold night breeze passes through the car window that is open. Monica slowly blinks her eyes to help the blur go away. She slowly looks around to find herself in the back seat of someone's car. She looks forward and sees Robert Alfredo in the driver's seat.
She notices that the car is not moving and that Alfredo is speaking to someone standing outside. In the near distance is a building with bright floodlights. No text is on the building that she can see.
Monica slowly looks next to her and finds Doggett. He's not awake. The faint smell of cigarette smoke slowly makes it's way through the open window.
FLASH CUT:
INT. BRIGHT WHITE ROOM
The light in the room is so bright, she can hardly make out anything. A figure enters frame. It is Scully, dressed in scrubs. She doesn't look happy.
SCULLY
(soft)
I'm sorry.Scully's lips don't move, it is her thoughts. She puts something to block our view as we suddenly…
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SCULLY, MARITA, MONICA'S APARTMENT
Monica sits up fast. Her breath quick. She lets out a scream of pain as she clutches her stomach and falls back to the ground.
BRAD
Monica?Monica slowly opens her eyes and looks up to see Brad right above her. He's worried. She looks around and sees Scully over her, along with Doggett, Alfredo, Mulder and Krycek. Monica looks confused.
SCULLY
(worried)
Are you all right? Do
you know who you are?
Monica nods her head and slowly tries to sit up. Brad and Doggett help her.
SCULLY
What's your name?
MONICA
(slow)
Monica Isabella Reyes.
SCULLY
(relieved)
Good. Do you know everyone here?
MONICA
I don't have amnesia, Dana.
(beat) What happened?
ALFREDO
Marita whacked you over
the head with a frying pan.
MONICA
Oh. (beat) Was I out long?
BRAD
(still worried)
Just a few minutes.
Monica looks at Brad, sensing his worry.
MONICA
I'm all right, Brad.She gives him a reassuring smile, and starts to get back up on her feet. Brad helps her.
BRAD
(concerned)
Mon', you're freezing.
MONICA
I am?
Brad gives her his jacket.
MULDER
I was worried.
ALFREDO
I need to talk to Marita.
Monica turns to Brad.
MONICA
Let's go home.
BRAD
All right.
SCULLY
Are you sure you're ok?
MONICA
I'll be fine. Don't worry.
SCULLY
You might want to get
ice on your head. She
hit you pretty hard.
MONCIA
Ok.
SCULLY
I'll get you some.Scully goes to the kitchen.
DOGGETT
(to Monica)
That's some hit you took.
KRYCEK
I'm sorry Monica baby. I
didn't know Marita would
go loony and attack you.
Monica nods. She's not in the mood for conversation right now. Scully comes back out of the kitchen and gives Monica an ice pack for her head.
MONICA
Thanks.
Brad opens the door and he and Monica leave.
SCULLY
Ok, I think everyone
should go home now.
MULDER
I'm sorry I caused
such a big ruckus.
SCULLY
It wasn't you, Mulder.
MULDER
Oh, ok. Bye-bye.
Mulder heads out the door.
KRYCEK
Hold up, Mulder. I need
to talk to Marita about
something before we go.
MULDER
All righty. I'll wait
outside for you.
Scully goes up to Doggett.
SCULLY
Why are you here?
Doggett holds up the jacket.
DOGGETT
You forgot your
jacket at the office.
SCULLY
Oh. Thanks.
DOGGETT
No problem.
He smiles at her.
DOGGETT
I'll leave now before
Marita comes out again.
Scully laughs.
SCULLY
I wish I could leave too.
Scully gives him a smile, in the hopes that maybe he'll invite her to go somewhere with him. Doggett only nods his head and nervously scratches the back of his neck as he leaves. A small smile forms on Scully as she quietly laughs about Doggett's nervousness. She shuts the door. CUT TO:
INT. MARITA'S ROOM
Alfredo and Marita are sitting on her bed.
MARITA
So what are you saying, Robbie?
ALFREDO
I'm saying that it's obvious
that you and I aren't meant
to be. (beat) You're jealous
rage that was displayed tonight
tells me that you still love
Alex Krycek. I don't want to
get in the way of that.
MARITA
I don't love him.
ALFREDO
Yeah you do.Alfredo gives her a knowing look. Marita looks down.
ALFREDO
So what I'm sayin' is,
I think we should see
other people.
Marita doesn't say anything.
ALFREDO
Stop torturing yourself and
be with the man you love.Marita looks up at him, knowing that he is right. He nods his head and leaves her room.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Scully and Krycek are sitting on the couch waiting for Alfredo to finish talking with Marita. Alfredo enters the living room. Krycek stands up immediately.
ALFREDO
I'm done talking to her
if you need to talk with
her Krycek.
Krycek nods his head and heads for Marita's room. Alfredo looks at Scully. He goes over to her.
ALFREDO
Doing anything tonight?
SCULLY
Nope.
ALFREDO
Probably don't want to
stay here, huh?
SCULLY
Not really.
ALFREDO
Want to get a cup of
coffee with me or somethin'?
Scully looks over at him with a smile.
SCULLY
I'd love to.Scully and Alfredo get up off the couch and leave the apartment.
CUT TO:
INT. MARITA'S ROOM
Marita is laying in her bed, softly crying. Why does she always do things to get herself hurt by others? Krycek quietly enters her room.
MARITA
(upset)
I don't want to talk.
Go away and leave me alone.Marita hides her head underneath her blankets. Krycek goes over to her bed.
KRYCEK
(soft)
Marita?
MARITA
(quiet)
No…
KRYCEK
I need to talk to you
about something that's
very important.
After a beat, Marita removes the blankets from her head and looks up at him. He kneels down at eye level to her.
MARITA
What is it?
KRYCEK
I've been concerned about
you. (beat) You're behaviour
hasn't been… normal.
His words come out carefully so he won't upset her.
KRYCEK
Tonight, you assaulted a
friend with a frying pan.
(beat) This worries me.
I think, and I don't want
you to think anything bad
about this, but I think you
need to talk to somebody about
what's going up in here.
He lightly taps her forehead with his index finger.
MARITA
What do you mean?
KRYCEK
I've been looking around for
a while for a good doctor.
I found one and I think he
could help you.
Marita listens.
KRYCEK
His name is Dr. Peterson, and
if you'd like, I can set up an
appointment for you to talk to him.
Marita quietly shakes her head "yes".
KRYCEK
Ok, I will.
Marita sits up in her bed.
MARITA
I don't want to end up
like my mother. (beat)
My daddy locked her up,
and she's only allowed
out on certain occasions.
(beat) I don't want that
to be my future.
KRYCEK
It won't. I promise you.
Marita hugs Krycek, happy that she's getting help and that she knows he's understanding. Krycek pulls her close to him… something he's wanted to do for a long long time.
MARITA
(soft)
Ya teb-ya loob-loo, Sasha.She gives him a kiss on his cheek and continues to hug him.
FADE OUT:
THE END.
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